I should be writing this earlier but didn't have time. Mah, actually, my computer was plugged on my TV. My PC is getting weird. Sometimes it doesn't want to start when I just switched monitor. Baby, don't get sick like me. I need you. >.>'.
I went to school...thursday... I stayed quit most of the day. Two of my friends knew something was wrong but all I did was saying I'm fine. Hum, part of why I didn't talk much was because my throat was extremely sore. Then, at the end of the day, because she continuously asked, I told her that their sarcastic comments aren't funny anymore. Telling me I'm depressed and that I get myself into studies just to... 3 times a day are too much. Just because we're studying in "santé mentale" doesn't give them the right to associate diseases with me continuously like this. I know that they are just saying it for fun, but honestly, repeating the same s*** several times a day is too much. I'm not the me of before who would tolerate everything.
Ha, then next day, she would talk softly to me and she obviously thought before speaking. It was 'too' obvious though. Anyways... I can careless. Trainings are starting in two days, thus we will only see each other twice a week.
On Friday, I finished early but I didn't call my aunt.
Today, is the last day of work but I called in sick. I spent few hours at the library studying instead. Not very productive as I had to take care of my nose every minute. I even bought Puff with lotion because it's so irritated. I feel like Ruldoph in swimming suit. Have you ever seen Ruldoph in a swimming suit?
A friend came over to sleep yesterday, but she couldn't fall asleep as my Dad was drinking with his friends till very late. She even had her Ipod on. As for me... my friend thought I'd stop breathing soon in my sleep. As I was exhaling, I made a weird sound. At first, she thought I was snoring, but told me that it was obvious I had trouble breathing. Anyways, it's just funny to know. Nothing dangerous. Just a simple cold.
26.8.07
22.8.07
Too Much Nonsense
"We're old enough and mature enough to control our words."
I think, I've been forgiven for my sins...but I'm no longer in a state to be forgiving.
I know that my aunt is trying to keep contacts with me. However, I've been very hostile towards her. I don't want so, but I have a strong need to protect myself. She hasn't done anything wrong, though. I was thinking if I should call her up for lunch, but...I'm very reluctant.
I cannot forgive my family, yet they didn't commit something unforgivable. Their temper purely got out hands. They are human creatures who blame someone else for their own misery. Just as I do. I'm blaming them for bursting the family image or hope I had in my mind. I was always aware of the problems we had and I know that in every family, there are their own problems. It just...happened at the wrong moment, at the wrong time.
I was talking about the family image with a friend, saying that what I believed as a real family was 2 people who, although lost the love (passion) they had, still stay together for the sake of the family. Then, she told me, it's because that what's we know of 'family'. The real definition isn't really like that. I... I wanted to create my own with my own values. However, I've always had this scare about divorces, even if I don't know what a divorce is.
Getting married, doesn't guarantee a loyal love towards each other.
Not getting married, doesn't mean you don't love each.
Not divorcing, doesn't mean you still love each other.
Divorcing, doesn't always mean you stopped loving each other.
Anyways, this is over. I don't want anymore. If it's to live like this, I don't want anything at all. And yes. I'm perfectly aware It's because I want to protect myself too much.
I said before, it's either work or family. Now, I'm choosing work. I'll study well, because I know it won't betray me. And with that, I can go work in many cities around the world.
Others might wonder why do I have such strong reactions towards these situations. They are very common actually, right? There are even worse situations.
So? Everyone's different. It's not because you would have went through all this well, that I have to, too. And it's not because people are dying out there that I can't live my emotions as I feel like to.
And I admit, I'm weak.
Then, if this crisis happened at another period of my life, maybe it would end better, but at the moment, I really can't.
_______________________________________________________
At the moment, I believe we're old enough to know what we're saying. Fine if you hurt the other party with your words and have the habit of saying 'sorry' after. .
But this won't do. Even if you're a friend. I'm sorry.
Okay, I'll say 'you're like this'. This is an excuse I give you and an excuse you give yourself. We all have to grow up and learn that there are some things that cannot be told or shall be said with a different tone. Saying, 'I'm a spontaneous person ' won't do.
Honestly speaking, I've very thankful for what you've done up to now. But, I'm not the old me who would digest all your sarcastic words. Everytime, you'll see me carrying a tired face. Although you can't see, but I know you can feel it. You might still believe that nothing bothers me...yet it's wrong. Behind this smile, lays pain and frustration. Just like a clown.
I'm learning to live my frustration fully. And you, will learn to have me distancing myself from you.
Another friend once told me, there are many friendships that last a month, some three months, others a year, but only a few will last a lifetime and it's only with them, that you can you fully open yourself to.
It might be weird to say this...that I used to always fully trust my friends, but today, believe that even those that I thought were genuine, are pure manipulations.
Tinh Gia Dinh,
Tinh Ban,
Tinh Yeu,
Con Viec,
Only one won't betray me. The one I had least thought of. Or maybe is it the only one that is truly safe, depending
on how much effort I put in?
Oh, and would you believe me if I tell you "I'm okay?"
I'm really okay!!! Really.
Lol, it's true.
Hum...I feel like turning off my cellphone. Just a while. Can I?
Just for a while, cutting contacts with the world.
I think, I've been forgiven for my sins...but I'm no longer in a state to be forgiving.
I know that my aunt is trying to keep contacts with me. However, I've been very hostile towards her. I don't want so, but I have a strong need to protect myself. She hasn't done anything wrong, though. I was thinking if I should call her up for lunch, but...I'm very reluctant.
I cannot forgive my family, yet they didn't commit something unforgivable. Their temper purely got out hands. They are human creatures who blame someone else for their own misery. Just as I do. I'm blaming them for bursting the family image or hope I had in my mind. I was always aware of the problems we had and I know that in every family, there are their own problems. It just...happened at the wrong moment, at the wrong time.
I was talking about the family image with a friend, saying that what I believed as a real family was 2 people who, although lost the love (passion) they had, still stay together for the sake of the family. Then, she told me, it's because that what's we know of 'family'. The real definition isn't really like that. I... I wanted to create my own with my own values. However, I've always had this scare about divorces, even if I don't know what a divorce is.
Getting married, doesn't guarantee a loyal love towards each other.
Not getting married, doesn't mean you don't love each.
Not divorcing, doesn't mean you still love each other.
Divorcing, doesn't always mean you stopped loving each other.
Anyways, this is over. I don't want anymore. If it's to live like this, I don't want anything at all. And yes. I'm perfectly aware It's because I want to protect myself too much.
I said before, it's either work or family. Now, I'm choosing work. I'll study well, because I know it won't betray me. And with that, I can go work in many cities around the world.
Others might wonder why do I have such strong reactions towards these situations. They are very common actually, right? There are even worse situations.
So? Everyone's different. It's not because you would have went through all this well, that I have to, too. And it's not because people are dying out there that I can't live my emotions as I feel like to.
And I admit, I'm weak.
Then, if this crisis happened at another period of my life, maybe it would end better, but at the moment, I really can't.
_______________________________________________________
At the moment, I believe we're old enough to know what we're saying. Fine if you hurt the other party with your words and have the habit of saying 'sorry' after. .
But this won't do. Even if you're a friend. I'm sorry.
Okay, I'll say 'you're like this'. This is an excuse I give you and an excuse you give yourself. We all have to grow up and learn that there are some things that cannot be told or shall be said with a different tone. Saying, 'I'm a spontaneous person ' won't do.
Honestly speaking, I've very thankful for what you've done up to now. But, I'm not the old me who would digest all your sarcastic words. Everytime, you'll see me carrying a tired face. Although you can't see, but I know you can feel it. You might still believe that nothing bothers me...yet it's wrong. Behind this smile, lays pain and frustration. Just like a clown.
I'm learning to live my frustration fully. And you, will learn to have me distancing myself from you.
Another friend once told me, there are many friendships that last a month, some three months, others a year, but only a few will last a lifetime and it's only with them, that you can you fully open yourself to.
It might be weird to say this...that I used to always fully trust my friends, but today, believe that even those that I thought were genuine, are pure manipulations.
Tinh Gia Dinh,
Tinh Ban,
Tinh Yeu,
Con Viec,
Only one won't betray me. The one I had least thought of. Or maybe is it the only one that is truly safe, depending
on how much effort I put in?
Oh, and would you believe me if I tell you "I'm okay?"
I'm really okay!!! Really.
Lol, it's true.
Hum...I feel like turning off my cellphone. Just a while. Can I?
Just for a while, cutting contacts with the world.
Pas Le Temps
"Remember, everything is going to be okay-- no matter what happens."
Bon alors, la session 5 a commencé et il me reste donc un an avant de terminer ma technique. Ah, finalement, je n'aurai pas tant de journée à rien faire que cela. Elles sont la plupart occupées par des laboratoires. Toutefois, j'ai quand même 2h30-3h à perdre les vendredis-midis.
Hum, j'ai commencé ma session en me disant que ce serait horrible en psychiatrie et en gérontologie. Je ne sais pas encore pour géronto, mais la psy, c'est quand même intéressant. Un peu trop de blah blah et on se demande quoi faire pour les examens, mais c'est intéressant. Tout comme le test que j'ai passé aujourd'hui.
Vous êtes sur un chemin...vous marchez...
1. Vous trouvez une tasse par terre. Que faites-vous avec? Et en quoi est-elle faite?
2. Vous continuez votre chemin et voyez une clé par terre. Que faites-vous?
3. Vous continuez votre chemin et arrivez devant une maison. Que faites-vous? (ex. contourner la maison)
4. Vous continuez votre chemin et vous vous retrouvez devant un étang d'eau. Qu'est-ce que c'est? (ex. un lac)
5. Vous continuez votre chemin et vous arrivez devant un mur. Deux choix : rebrousser chemin ou passer par-dessus.
Mes réponses et la signification
1. Ramasser la tasse -- porcelaine (fragile)
Cela représente l'amour.
2. Ramasser la clé et mettre dans la poche. (voleuse!!!ouioui)
Cela représente l'argent.
3. Essayer d'ouvrir la porte de la maison avec la clé.(entrer dans la maison)
Cela représente la famille. (Ouais, je comprend très bien d'où j'ai sorti ça...)
4. c'est juste une flaque d'eau que je passe par dessus.
Cela représente l'importance de la sexualité...plus c'est gros plus ca prend de la place...(Que voulez-vous, j'étais la seule dans la classe qui a sortie ça comme réponse.)
5. Rebrousser chemin
Cela représente la mort. (Cela veut dire que...j'ai peur.)
Les stages commencent déjà la semaine prochaine. Cette session, il va falloir que je rende à Laval pour un stage et l'autre, je me retrouve à Hochelaga. Erh. Ce qui est amusant, c'est qu'on est habillé en civil et les jupes (longues) sont permises. Ah, pas de jeans bleus.
Mahhh...je me suis réveillée ce matin avec un mal de gorge et j'ai éternué toute la journée. Fait froid...j'ai froid. Mon bout du nez a froid. Ce n'est pas vraiment le temps d'avoir un rhume, surtout que je travaille en fin de semaine...
Bon alors, la session 5 a commencé et il me reste donc un an avant de terminer ma technique. Ah, finalement, je n'aurai pas tant de journée à rien faire que cela. Elles sont la plupart occupées par des laboratoires. Toutefois, j'ai quand même 2h30-3h à perdre les vendredis-midis.
Hum, j'ai commencé ma session en me disant que ce serait horrible en psychiatrie et en gérontologie. Je ne sais pas encore pour géronto, mais la psy, c'est quand même intéressant. Un peu trop de blah blah et on se demande quoi faire pour les examens, mais c'est intéressant. Tout comme le test que j'ai passé aujourd'hui.
Vous êtes sur un chemin...vous marchez...
1. Vous trouvez une tasse par terre. Que faites-vous avec? Et en quoi est-elle faite?
2. Vous continuez votre chemin et voyez une clé par terre. Que faites-vous?
3. Vous continuez votre chemin et arrivez devant une maison. Que faites-vous? (ex. contourner la maison)
4. Vous continuez votre chemin et vous vous retrouvez devant un étang d'eau. Qu'est-ce que c'est? (ex. un lac)
5. Vous continuez votre chemin et vous arrivez devant un mur. Deux choix : rebrousser chemin ou passer par-dessus.
Mes réponses et la signification
1. Ramasser la tasse -- porcelaine (fragile)
Cela représente l'amour.
2. Ramasser la clé et mettre dans la poche. (voleuse!!!ouioui)
Cela représente l'argent.
3. Essayer d'ouvrir la porte de la maison avec la clé.(entrer dans la maison)
Cela représente la famille. (Ouais, je comprend très bien d'où j'ai sorti ça...)
4. c'est juste une flaque d'eau que je passe par dessus.
Cela représente l'importance de la sexualité...plus c'est gros plus ca prend de la place...(Que voulez-vous, j'étais la seule dans la classe qui a sortie ça comme réponse.)
5. Rebrousser chemin
Cela représente la mort. (Cela veut dire que...j'ai peur.)
Les stages commencent déjà la semaine prochaine. Cette session, il va falloir que je rende à Laval pour un stage et l'autre, je me retrouve à Hochelaga. Erh. Ce qui est amusant, c'est qu'on est habillé en civil et les jupes (longues) sont permises. Ah, pas de jeans bleus.
Mahhh...je me suis réveillée ce matin avec un mal de gorge et j'ai éternué toute la journée. Fait froid...j'ai froid. Mon bout du nez a froid. Ce n'est pas vraiment le temps d'avoir un rhume, surtout que je travaille en fin de semaine...
21.8.07
To Forgive and Forget
Forgiving isn't forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt.
Forgetting doesn't make it all better, it just makes it hurts again when I remember.
Forgetting doesn't make it all better, it just makes it hurts again when I remember.
14.8.07
Suspicious
"Human beings are creatures who cannot even recognize the truth that lays before their very eyes."
I know that right now, my personality is taking a turn-around. Alice's mom called yesterday after my work, but she said she wanted to call grandmother, yet thought of my cellphone number. Well, the thing is, she usually only mistakes my home phone number. She started asking about if I was getting off my training. No, I'm not in training but working. Then, she asked when I'd started work and if I have any long break this semester. The only 'long' break is on Friday, during lunch time for about 2h30. However, it's too short on time to go downtown and go back to school after. I'll see. I really want to move it, to make this space disappear from my schedule. I have nothing to do during 2h30 of break on a Friday. Anyways, I didn't explain all this to her. She still asked me to come have lunch with her. All right.
Honestly speaking, although Dad has asked me to call Alice's mom to ask about grandmother and her, but I didn't do so and never planned to do so. I could careless. I'm very tired to take care of people who do not even care themselves. I could be careless. Why should I care?
They are the 'real' adults after all.
Then, today I met my aunt who's living upstairs at the metro station when going back home. We didn't really talk. I was on the phone.
They have to understand that I can get mad too.
My patience, my tolerance, my caring, all have been drained.
And I start to doubt about silly things. Like why did my aunt call? Why did my uncle mailed?
Excuses. We should stop giving excuses for someone's behavior. Can't live up with excuses.
Truth hits on the face and hard.
Me, being gullible is enough too. I don't want to trust people as much I as blindly as I used to. Although I can't see myself doing so... I know, I need to protect myself.
I used not to bother, believing that real friends won't purposely hurt me. I believed that we were sincere and genuine.
Building up something a new me, I'm a bit scared of the outcome...
Part of life, maturing and well...changes?
I'll be fine. Time will heal, yet a scar will remain.
At least, at work, they still complain that I laugh and smile for no reason. However, few days ago, with a nurse I like a lot, while dressing up a wound, she made sign, telling me to smile..........
Now, let's try to eat and sleep normally. How come I can only do one properly?! Ah geez.
I know that right now, my personality is taking a turn-around. Alice's mom called yesterday after my work, but she said she wanted to call grandmother, yet thought of my cellphone number. Well, the thing is, she usually only mistakes my home phone number. She started asking about if I was getting off my training. No, I'm not in training but working. Then, she asked when I'd started work and if I have any long break this semester. The only 'long' break is on Friday, during lunch time for about 2h30. However, it's too short on time to go downtown and go back to school after. I'll see. I really want to move it, to make this space disappear from my schedule. I have nothing to do during 2h30 of break on a Friday. Anyways, I didn't explain all this to her. She still asked me to come have lunch with her. All right.
Honestly speaking, although Dad has asked me to call Alice's mom to ask about grandmother and her, but I didn't do so and never planned to do so. I could careless. I'm very tired to take care of people who do not even care themselves. I could be careless. Why should I care?
They are the 'real' adults after all.
Then, today I met my aunt who's living upstairs at the metro station when going back home. We didn't really talk. I was on the phone.
They have to understand that I can get mad too.
My patience, my tolerance, my caring, all have been drained.
And I start to doubt about silly things. Like why did my aunt call? Why did my uncle mailed?
Excuses. We should stop giving excuses for someone's behavior. Can't live up with excuses.
Truth hits on the face and hard.
Me, being gullible is enough too. I don't want to trust people as much I as blindly as I used to. Although I can't see myself doing so... I know, I need to protect myself.
I used not to bother, believing that real friends won't purposely hurt me. I believed that we were sincere and genuine.
Building up something a new me, I'm a bit scared of the outcome...
Part of life, maturing and well...changes?
I'll be fine. Time will heal, yet a scar will remain.
At least, at work, they still complain that I laugh and smile for no reason. However, few days ago, with a nurse I like a lot, while dressing up a wound, she made sign, telling me to smile..........
Now, let's try to eat and sleep normally. How come I can only do one properly?! Ah geez.
Genre de traumatisme
"Always smile, even if it's a sad smile because even sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile."
Il y a à peu près de cela un mois. En dedans de une semaine, je me suis coupée l'index et le pouce en ouvrant ce contenant de médicament. Jamais auparavant je m'étais heurtée le doigt contre la paroi de vitre lorsque l'ampoule est cassée. Cela ne fait pas excessivement mal. La plaie n'est pas très large, elle semble seulement plus profonde que je l'aurais imaginé, étant donné que cela n'arrêtait pas de saigner et il fallait que j'aille donner une injection à partir de cette ampoule en vitesse parce que la patiente souffrait. Ben oui, avec le sang qui imbibait le coton de ouate... En dedans de une semaine, la plaie se referme. Par contre, lorsque j'appliquais une légère pression à ces endroits, cela faisait bizarrement mal ou plutôt sensible. Depuis ce temps, j'ai peur des ampoules. Je tiens l'ampoule avec un morceau de papier pour ne pas me couper, je force pour l'ouvrir, mais je ne suis pas capable et l'inf. doit me le faire. Le pire, tout le département ou presque sait que j'ai peur de ça. Une après l'autre a donné un 'truc', pas que cela ne marche pas, c'est pas ce qu'il faut.
Assez incommode comme peur. Elle s'est installée... comme si dans ma mémoire, je ne peux pas oublier le 'shhhreek' au moment de la coupure. Pourtant, ma cheville me fait bien plus mal, et ce depuis bien plus longtemps, mais ça ne m'empêche pas de marcher ni de porter des talons hauts.
;)
Il y a à peu près de cela un mois. En dedans de une semaine, je me suis coupée l'index et le pouce en ouvrant ce contenant de médicament. Jamais auparavant je m'étais heurtée le doigt contre la paroi de vitre lorsque l'ampoule est cassée. Cela ne fait pas excessivement mal. La plaie n'est pas très large, elle semble seulement plus profonde que je l'aurais imaginé, étant donné que cela n'arrêtait pas de saigner et il fallait que j'aille donner une injection à partir de cette ampoule en vitesse parce que la patiente souffrait. Ben oui, avec le sang qui imbibait le coton de ouate... En dedans de une semaine, la plaie se referme. Par contre, lorsque j'appliquais une légère pression à ces endroits, cela faisait bizarrement mal ou plutôt sensible. Depuis ce temps, j'ai peur des ampoules. Je tiens l'ampoule avec un morceau de papier pour ne pas me couper, je force pour l'ouvrir, mais je ne suis pas capable et l'inf. doit me le faire. Le pire, tout le département ou presque sait que j'ai peur de ça. Une après l'autre a donné un 'truc', pas que cela ne marche pas, c'est pas ce qu'il faut.
Assez incommode comme peur. Elle s'est installée... comme si dans ma mémoire, je ne peux pas oublier le 'shhhreek' au moment de la coupure. Pourtant, ma cheville me fait bien plus mal, et ce depuis bien plus longtemps, mais ça ne m'empêche pas de marcher ni de porter des talons hauts.
13.8.07
Horaire pour automne 2007
"And I lied to myself, and said it was for the best."
Fin août, septembre, octobre, novembre, début décembre.
Psychiatrie.
Réadaptation (gérontologie).
Non, je n'ai pas le goût.
Oui, je n'ai pas vraiment eu de vacances cette été. Été assez laid à vrai dire.
Oui, j'ai passé une journée de formation pour travailler durant l'année scolaire, mais j'ai décidé et averti le responsable que je ne travaillerai pas.
Oui, la majorité de mes patients sont des personnes âgées qui ont l'alzheimer ou sont simplements confus.
Oui, je suis sur un département d'orthopédie, alors le début de la réadaptation, j'ai bien vu comment c'est difficile pour eux.
Donc, non, je n'ai pas le goût de refaire cela, en pire.
Oui, ils font pitiés, mais non, je n'ai plus de patience pour les patients qui ne s'aident pas eux-mêmes.
Je vais avoir des stages pendant toute la session, trois fois par semaine, sauf que le mois d'octobre. Qu'est-ce que je vais faire pendant le mois d'octobre, au-secours. Ce serait donc trois journées de congé + deux jours de fin de semaine = semaine à l'envers ( 2 jours d'école, 5 jours de congé). Sincèrement, il faut absolument que je me trouve un passe-temps outre sortir et m'écraser chez moi.
Mais enfin, je me dis cela deux fois par année: la première fois c'est quand qu'on change d'année et la deuxième fois c'est quand que je commence une nouvelle année scolaire.
Let's hope it ends for a new beginning.
Fin août, septembre, octobre, novembre, début décembre.
Psychiatrie.
Réadaptation (gérontologie).
Non, je n'ai pas le goût.
Oui, je n'ai pas vraiment eu de vacances cette été. Été assez laid à vrai dire.
Oui, j'ai passé une journée de formation pour travailler durant l'année scolaire, mais j'ai décidé et averti le responsable que je ne travaillerai pas.
Oui, la majorité de mes patients sont des personnes âgées qui ont l'alzheimer ou sont simplements confus.
Oui, je suis sur un département d'orthopédie, alors le début de la réadaptation, j'ai bien vu comment c'est difficile pour eux.
Donc, non, je n'ai pas le goût de refaire cela, en pire.
Oui, ils font pitiés, mais non, je n'ai plus de patience pour les patients qui ne s'aident pas eux-mêmes.
Je vais avoir des stages pendant toute la session, trois fois par semaine, sauf que le mois d'octobre. Qu'est-ce que je vais faire pendant le mois d'octobre, au-secours. Ce serait donc trois journées de congé + deux jours de fin de semaine = semaine à l'envers ( 2 jours d'école, 5 jours de congé). Sincèrement, il faut absolument que je me trouve un passe-temps outre sortir et m'écraser chez moi.
Mais enfin, je me dis cela deux fois par année: la première fois c'est quand qu'on change d'année et la deuxième fois c'est quand que je commence une nouvelle année scolaire.
Let's hope it ends for a new beginning.
4.8.07
Annoyed
I don't know where the idea of going to the beach before school starts came from. Maybe, I just wanted to do something out of this painful summer '07. Ah, somehow, most of my summers were terrible to go through. Still, went through them all. How come this one seems like it will never end?
Hum, I don't think this plan will work out. People aren't available.
All right... then. I'll just go to the Super Aqua Club with Nancy. Must do something out of this summer that can bring some happy memories before I concentrate myself on studies.
Happiness is ephemeral.
But, I'm not ' Kam Sum (cantonese)' or... 'Cam Lon' with the way it's ending. However, I don't have control over it.
Don't ask me if it was worth it.
Hum, I don't think this plan will work out. People aren't available.
All right... then. I'll just go to the Super Aqua Club with Nancy. Must do something out of this summer that can bring some happy memories before I concentrate myself on studies.
Happiness is ephemeral.
But, I'm not ' Kam Sum (cantonese)' or... 'Cam Lon' with the way it's ending. However, I don't have control over it.
Don't ask me if it was worth it.
2.8.07
Depression or Confusion
Seems like something very important and huge.
This time, I'm not kidding. It has been going on for more than a month. Even my friend is scared... I used to think that tomorrow, it will be a better day. Yet, it doesn't work anymore. Actually, tomorrow hurts more than yesterday. sleeping wouldn't help.
My mind isn't here.
I carried around a weary smile for a whole month, but I found myself helpless. I used to discuss with patients and laughed with them wholeheartedly. Nurses would even say that I laugh easily for absolutely nothing. Starting maybe about a week or so ago, I can't anymore. I don't feel like starting a complex discussion with them. Sometimes, when they talk about their personal life, like going somewhere on a trip, I even fake listening.
I clearly know that to fake or put on a smiley face wouldn't bring me happiness, yet I still do it. There's still feeling of protection that is so strong, that I couldn't help it. Sometimes, I tend to be scared to hurt people who hurt me. I don't know why.
Trying to change ideas, to think about something else, to go out and have fun, to stay home and sleep or watch series, reading books, talked to friends : I've tried all that. Nothing works.
Someone said when I'm hurt, I'd smile. It's just... I don't want the concerned person to know. Why protecting them? I just do.
Family, what does the word Family means? My family appears to be fine, but it actually isn't. Maybe I'd rather see divorce than seeing them being together without being happy. But, I guess, there comes a time when you get use to a certain lifestyle and is lazy to change. It's a choice. Right, of course, my parents aren't mad at each other anymore. About the rest of the family, it's another story. Honestly, I'm just pissed off at their immaturity that I don't want to know the details about this fight. If this is their definition of family... hum...
For sure, family members that fight would eventually forgive each other because they are family. What if, they aren't? As a grandmother, how can you be so harsh and speak on impulse, telling your children that they aren't yours anymore?
Why can't they keep the past inside when they fight during the present, but bring back. all the grudge that they held. Why did they have to say words that would hurt to the extent of no coming back? Worse, both parties aren't very forgiven people. They don't forget either.
A friend said, thanks for not being like your family; thanks for not holding grudges. That friend also used to say I do not understand that someone has hurt me with their words.
It hurts a lot. Everyday... and the day after would hurt even more.
Time used to heal.
I used to be able to let go easily.
There had been a time I felt more relax, thinking I've succeeded. Wrong. I actually lost my rebound. There, I went back to my original state or maybe worse.
Really, it's a shame that because Quebec has a different way of teaching, that I can't study abroad in nursing. I'd have to wait at least three years before going over to Australia and work there.
It might be selfish to say this, but here, I don't feel like I have anything to hold on to anymore. I know, nobody close to me died, nor am I actually left alone.
Somehow, maybe I've given up on myself...that's why I can't see.
Of course, I know I have friends who care and worry and parents who love me.
But still, I don't want to stay.
Nah, it shouldn't sound that desperate. Why being so desperate when I have everything around me? Hum? Isn't it weird? Very simple. I don't know where I am...
It's all, I'll be okay.
I know, there come at time, I'd have to stand up on my own.
When that time comes, I'll do it myself, no more rebound.
After that period passed, I'm scared I'll close myself up.
Just because I've opened myself too much.
And right now, I don't want anyone to tell me that someone's else situation is worse. I know that.
So what?
This time, I'm not kidding. It has been going on for more than a month. Even my friend is scared... I used to think that tomorrow, it will be a better day. Yet, it doesn't work anymore. Actually, tomorrow hurts more than yesterday. sleeping wouldn't help.
My mind isn't here.
I carried around a weary smile for a whole month, but I found myself helpless. I used to discuss with patients and laughed with them wholeheartedly. Nurses would even say that I laugh easily for absolutely nothing. Starting maybe about a week or so ago, I can't anymore. I don't feel like starting a complex discussion with them. Sometimes, when they talk about their personal life, like going somewhere on a trip, I even fake listening.
I clearly know that to fake or put on a smiley face wouldn't bring me happiness, yet I still do it. There's still feeling of protection that is so strong, that I couldn't help it. Sometimes, I tend to be scared to hurt people who hurt me. I don't know why.
Trying to change ideas, to think about something else, to go out and have fun, to stay home and sleep or watch series, reading books, talked to friends : I've tried all that. Nothing works.
Someone said when I'm hurt, I'd smile. It's just... I don't want the concerned person to know. Why protecting them? I just do.
Family, what does the word Family means? My family appears to be fine, but it actually isn't. Maybe I'd rather see divorce than seeing them being together without being happy. But, I guess, there comes a time when you get use to a certain lifestyle and is lazy to change. It's a choice. Right, of course, my parents aren't mad at each other anymore. About the rest of the family, it's another story. Honestly, I'm just pissed off at their immaturity that I don't want to know the details about this fight. If this is their definition of family... hum...
For sure, family members that fight would eventually forgive each other because they are family. What if, they aren't? As a grandmother, how can you be so harsh and speak on impulse, telling your children that they aren't yours anymore?
Why can't they keep the past inside when they fight during the present, but bring back. all the grudge that they held. Why did they have to say words that would hurt to the extent of no coming back? Worse, both parties aren't very forgiven people. They don't forget either.
A friend said, thanks for not being like your family; thanks for not holding grudges. That friend also used to say I do not understand that someone has hurt me with their words.
It hurts a lot. Everyday... and the day after would hurt even more.
Time used to heal.
I used to be able to let go easily.
There had been a time I felt more relax, thinking I've succeeded. Wrong. I actually lost my rebound. There, I went back to my original state or maybe worse.
Really, it's a shame that because Quebec has a different way of teaching, that I can't study abroad in nursing. I'd have to wait at least three years before going over to Australia and work there.
It might be selfish to say this, but here, I don't feel like I have anything to hold on to anymore. I know, nobody close to me died, nor am I actually left alone.
Somehow, maybe I've given up on myself...that's why I can't see.
Of course, I know I have friends who care and worry and parents who love me.
But still, I don't want to stay.
Nah, it shouldn't sound that desperate. Why being so desperate when I have everything around me? Hum? Isn't it weird? Very simple. I don't know where I am...
It's all, I'll be okay.
I know, there come at time, I'd have to stand up on my own.
When that time comes, I'll do it myself, no more rebound.
After that period passed, I'm scared I'll close myself up.
Just because I've opened myself too much.
And right now, I don't want anyone to tell me that someone's else situation is worse. I know that.
So what?
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