Depression or Confusion

Seems like something very important and huge.

This time, I'm not kidding. It has been going on for more than a month. Even my friend is scared... I used to think that tomorrow, it will be a better day. Yet, it doesn't work anymore. Actually, tomorrow hurts more than yesterday. sleeping wouldn't help.

My mind isn't here.

I carried around a weary smile for a whole month, but I found myself helpless. I used to discuss with patients and laughed with them wholeheartedly. Nurses would even say that I laugh easily for absolutely nothing. Starting maybe about a week or so ago, I can't anymore. I don't feel like starting a complex discussion with them. Sometimes, when they talk about their personal life, like going somewhere on a trip, I even fake listening.

I clearly know that to fake or put on a smiley face wouldn't bring me happiness, yet I still do it. There's still feeling of protection that is so strong, that I couldn't help it. Sometimes, I tend to be scared to hurt people who hurt me. I don't know why.

Trying to change ideas, to think about something else, to go out and have fun, to stay home and sleep or watch series, reading books, talked to friends : I've tried all that. Nothing works.

Someone said when I'm hurt, I'd smile. It's just... I don't want the concerned person to know. Why protecting them? I just do.

Family, what does the word Family means? My family appears to be fine, but it actually isn't. Maybe I'd rather see divorce than seeing them being together without being happy. But, I guess, there comes a time when you get use to a certain lifestyle and is lazy to change. It's a choice. Right, of course, my parents aren't mad at each other anymore. About the rest of the family, it's another story. Honestly, I'm just pissed off at their immaturity that I don't want to know the details about this fight. If this is their definition of family... hum...
For sure, family members that fight would eventually forgive each other because they are family. What if, they aren't? As a grandmother, how can you be so harsh and speak on impulse, telling your children that they aren't yours anymore?

Why can't they keep the past inside when they fight during the present, but bring back. all the grudge that they held. Why did they have to say words that would hurt to the extent of no coming back? Worse, both parties aren't very forgiven people. They don't forget either.

A friend said, thanks for not being like your family; thanks for not holding grudges. That friend also used to say I do not understand that someone has hurt me with their words.

It hurts a lot. Everyday... and the day after would hurt even more.

Time used to heal.
I used to be able to let go easily.

There had been a time I felt more relax, thinking I've succeeded. Wrong. I actually lost my rebound. There, I went back to my original state or maybe worse.

Really, it's a shame that because Quebec has a different way of teaching, that I can't study abroad in nursing. I'd have to wait at least three years before going over to Australia and work there.

It might be selfish to say this, but here, I don't feel like I have anything to hold on to anymore. I know, nobody close to me died, nor am I actually left alone.

Somehow, maybe I've given up on myself...that's why I can't see.

Of course, I know I have friends who care and worry and parents who love me.

But still, I don't want to stay.

Nah, it shouldn't sound that desperate. Why being so desperate when I have everything around me? Hum? Isn't it weird? Very simple. I don't know where I am...

It's all, I'll be okay.

I know, there come at time, I'd have to stand up on my own.
When that time comes, I'll do it myself, no more rebound.
After that period passed, I'm scared I'll close myself up.
Just because I've opened myself too much.

And right now, I don't want anyone to tell me that someone's else situation is worse. I know that.

So what?