Too Much Nonsense

"We're old enough and mature enough to control our words."

I think, I've been forgiven for my sins...but I'm no longer in a state to be forgiving.

I know that my aunt is trying to keep contacts with me. However, I've been very hostile towards her. I don't want so, but I have a strong need to protect myself. She hasn't done anything wrong, though. I was thinking if I should call her up for lunch, but...I'm very reluctant.

I cannot forgive my family, yet they didn't commit something unforgivable. Their temper purely got out hands. They are human creatures who blame someone else for their own misery. Just as I do. I'm blaming them for bursting the family image or hope I had in my mind. I was always aware of the problems we had and I know that in every family, there are their own problems. It just...happened at the wrong moment, at the wrong time.

I was talking about the family image with a friend, saying that what I believed as a real family was 2 people who, although lost the love (passion) they had, still stay together for the sake of the family. Then, she told me, it's because that what's we know of 'family'. The real definition isn't really like that. I... I wanted to create my own with my own values. However, I've always had this scare about divorces, even if I don't know what a divorce is.

Getting married, doesn't guarantee a loyal love towards each other.
Not getting married, doesn't mean you don't love each.
Not divorcing, doesn't mean you still love each other.
Divorcing, doesn't always mean you stopped loving each other.

Anyways, this is over. I don't want anymore. If it's to live like this, I don't want anything at all. And yes. I'm perfectly aware It's because I want to protect myself too much.

I said before, it's either work or family. Now, I'm choosing work. I'll study well, because I know it won't betray me. And with that, I can go work in many cities around the world.

Others might wonder why do I have such strong reactions towards these situations. They are very common actually, right? There are even worse situations.

So? Everyone's different. It's not because you would have went through all this well, that I have to, too. And it's not because people are dying out there that I can't live my emotions as I feel like to.

And I admit, I'm weak.

Then, if this crisis happened at another period of my life, maybe it would end better, but at the moment, I really can't.

_______________________________________________________

At the moment, I believe we're old enough to know what we're saying. Fine if you hurt the other party with your words and have the habit of saying 'sorry' after. .

But this won't do. Even if you're a friend. I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll say 'you're like this'. This is an excuse I give you and an excuse you give yourself. We all have to grow up and learn that there are some things that cannot be told or shall be said with a different tone. Saying, 'I'm a spontaneous person ' won't do.

Honestly speaking, I've very thankful for what you've done up to now. But, I'm not the old me who would digest all your sarcastic words. Everytime, you'll see me carrying a tired face. Although you can't see, but I know you can feel it. You might still believe that nothing bothers me...yet it's wrong. Behind this smile, lays pain and frustration. Just like a clown.

I'm learning to live my frustration fully. And you, will learn to have me distancing myself from you.

Another friend once told me, there are many friendships that last a month, some three months, others a year, but only a few will last a lifetime and it's only with them, that you can you fully open yourself to.

It might be weird to say this...that I used to always fully trust my friends, but today, believe that even those that I thought were genuine, are pure manipulations.

Tinh Gia Dinh,
Tinh Ban,
Tinh Yeu,
Con Viec,

Only one won't betray me. The one I had least thought of. Or maybe is it the only one that is truly safe, depending
on how much effort I put in?

Oh, and would you believe me if I tell you "I'm okay?"
I'm really okay!!! Really.
Lol, it's true.

Hum...I feel like turning off my cellphone. Just a while. Can I?

Just for a while, cutting contacts with the world.