She's the one you call when you're bored, because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down, because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by tha same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine for her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you, and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relation or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool...why can't all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spent any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get pinkberry like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, ans she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
Anyway, yeah. I'm a meantime Girl. Been one more times that I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's even had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.
30.10.07
12 Rules
1) Don’t turn your back on love when it’s already in front of you, Don’t drive it away from you, because if you do, someday, you’ll think again, why you let love flew when it was there next to you.
2) In Love, think things first over if you’re sure about how you feel, Don’t fall too hard not knowing where you will stand, ‘coz it will hurt real bad if things don’t go the way you want them to be.
3) It’s an irony to know that it takes hours for someone to have guts to say “hi” to the one he likes, days to admire, weeks to miss the person, months to love, but just a blink of an eye to say goodbye…
4) Go for the person who loves you. It is not wrong to love someone who belongs to someone else, but it is much better to love someone who could also love you in return.
5) Love isn’t something we hold, it is something we set free, It’s not something we just do, but it’s something we don’t imagine to be. Lastly, it’s not something we choose, it chooses us…
6) The scariest thing about falling in love is getting hurt. The scariest thing about getting hurt is not being able to love again. The scariest thing about not loving again is being alone forever.
7) When you follow your heart, worry not where it will lead you, for your heart knows the way. And if you do get lost or reach a dead end, use your head to lead you back home. (I like this one!)
8.) When you truly care for someone, you don’t look for faults, you don’t look for answers, you don’t look for mistakes. Instead, you fight for the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook excuses.
9) It’s better to lose your pride to the one you love, than lose your loved one to your useless pride.
10) Love is not “it’s your fault”, but “i’m sorry”, not “where are you?”, but “i’m here”, not “how could you?”, but “i understand”, not “i wish you were here”, but “i’m thankful you are “.
11) The beginning of love is to let those we love be just themselves, and not twist with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselveswe find in them.
12) If a relationship is truly meant for you, your love will find a way to make it happen.
2) In Love, think things first over if you’re sure about how you feel, Don’t fall too hard not knowing where you will stand, ‘coz it will hurt real bad if things don’t go the way you want them to be.
3) It’s an irony to know that it takes hours for someone to have guts to say “hi” to the one he likes, days to admire, weeks to miss the person, months to love, but just a blink of an eye to say goodbye…
4) Go for the person who loves you. It is not wrong to love someone who belongs to someone else, but it is much better to love someone who could also love you in return.
5) Love isn’t something we hold, it is something we set free, It’s not something we just do, but it’s something we don’t imagine to be. Lastly, it’s not something we choose, it chooses us…
6) The scariest thing about falling in love is getting hurt. The scariest thing about getting hurt is not being able to love again. The scariest thing about not loving again is being alone forever.
7) When you follow your heart, worry not where it will lead you, for your heart knows the way. And if you do get lost or reach a dead end, use your head to lead you back home. (I like this one!)
8.) When you truly care for someone, you don’t look for faults, you don’t look for answers, you don’t look for mistakes. Instead, you fight for the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook excuses.
9) It’s better to lose your pride to the one you love, than lose your loved one to your useless pride.
10) Love is not “it’s your fault”, but “i’m sorry”, not “where are you?”, but “i’m here”, not “how could you?”, but “i understand”, not “i wish you were here”, but “i’m thankful you are “.
11) The beginning of love is to let those we love be just themselves, and not twist with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselveswe find in them.
12) If a relationship is truly meant for you, your love will find a way to make it happen.
The Tale of Love and Life
My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why? " he asked, shocked.
"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?
And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.
Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"
He said: " I will give you your answer tomorrow.... " My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .. And as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...
Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE
Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why? " he asked, shocked.
"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?
And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.
Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"
He said: " I will give you your answer tomorrow.... " My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .. And as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...
Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE
29.10.07
To Mend A Heart
When your young your parents hold your heart; they take care of it, nurture it, feed it and love it. They are your heart's caretaker. But once you grow older your parents give you your heart and tell your to give it to someone you love. From that point on your heart is yours to give. But your parents have been taking care of your heart for you up to that point and no matter what you mess it up. You give it to someone and they stomp on it, spit on it and tear it to bits and pieces, but you kneel down to pick up the pieces and mend every back together because even though its a dirty, broken heart its still your heart. But you cant find happiness if your heart doesn't get shattered into a million pieces, you have to let it get mangled by others. As time goes on and the more people you give your heart to and the more it gets broken the closer you are to finding the person who has scars that match your own. When that time comes you give them your heart and they know how to hold it, care for it, and nurture it because they know what you've been through and how to be the caretaker of your heart.
That is true love
That is true love
26.10.07
"No"
What is unconditional love? It is when the person you love, tears you into pieces and yet you still smile and say..."You know what, you don't have to love me back...I'll be perfectly fine." "All...all you have to know, is that once upon a time, there was someone who really loved you."
She told them, she doesn't mind even if it's over as long as she has a clear answer. She got it wrong, she lied.
Maybe it's easier for her to accept a 'no' answer than not an answer at all, because there's fear.
Why can't she be the one to cut it off...but waits for it to be done? She's so weak to fear of the miss that the future would bring. Yet, she knows she would be fine. Everyone can, even her.
But, in my eyes, she's such a stupid girl. I wished her eyes can look into someone else and say, "I like you".
However, that's only what she thought a months ago. Time goes by so fast...many things change...so much that she doesn't even know what.
In the end, what truly prevails?
She told them, she doesn't mind even if it's over as long as she has a clear answer. She got it wrong, she lied.
Maybe it's easier for her to accept a 'no' answer than not an answer at all, because there's fear.
Why can't she be the one to cut it off...but waits for it to be done? She's so weak to fear of the miss that the future would bring. Yet, she knows she would be fine. Everyone can, even her.
But, in my eyes, she's such a stupid girl. I wished her eyes can look into someone else and say, "I like you".
However, that's only what she thought a months ago. Time goes by so fast...many things change...so much that she doesn't even know what.
In the end, what truly prevails?
If I can give up everything I own
Every dream I dreamed
Even my own life for that one person
And ask for nothing in return
Only then, just maybe
I can come to a mere fraction
of understanding what love truly means
and that is truly worth living, and dying for.
Every dream I dreamed
Even my own life for that one person
And ask for nothing in return
Only then, just maybe
I can come to a mere fraction
of understanding what love truly means
and that is truly worth living, and dying for.
25.10.07
What's Happening?
"Sometimes, it is much better to care than love. Cause when you care, you're safe from losing the person you care for. But when you love, you can lose everything you're scared of losing forever."
I'm so tired. I haven't spent over six hours working non-stop for school for this past semester except yesterday. At least, I was drawing, coloring, and cutting. When I went to bed, it ached everywhere.
But...Today, I'm feeling tired, differently.
Three months ago, I planned going to Cuba during holidays. My friend didn't want to go because we were just two. I wished to finally be away from here once. Then, I just lost the need to go. Another friend introduced a holiday, part time, job for me. I went for the interview last week, kind of flunked it, but they still took me in, lol. However, at the beginning of this week, I received I call from the hospital, and somehow, I knew it's for work during my winter break. Idiot. They swear they don't take students during the winter break. Anyways, I missed many calls from the head nurse and myself, I couldn't reach her with several tries. I hoped I can work part time at the hospital, so then, I can work at both places. Thinking that the chance was low, when I finally reached her, she said it's a 7/15 job!! Obviously, I agreed. It's going to be hard. By the 21st of January 08, I will again complain that I had no winter break, but I already feel excited to work.
I don't even care if it's sacrificing Christmas days or New Eves. I usually spend them alone in front of the computer. At least, I'll be with my patients. I'm glad, because I know they'd need me.
They say, people who try hard, will stop trying one day. I'm on the edge of it. I can bear a 'no'. I can bear a...'let's stop'. But I hate not knowing what's happening, because I've been through it, I don't want to feel like that again. I hate not knowing what's going on in someone's mind. I hate not knowing what you want. I hate...not having a clear answer.
In the end, I might just as well end it myself. It's right now that I hate the color 'gray', the word 'maybe'; I just want 'black or white', 'yes or no'.
" We've always known what hurts, still we haven't learned to stay away from such, because painful as it is, that's the only way to feel their presence (seems like some of my psycho patients who hurt themselves in order to feel that they are alive); we always give in, we still check on them every now and then just to see what's been happening since they left, that even if sometimes we say ' I just wanna see him/her happy', deep in our hearts, there's that flicker of hope. So then, it's true that the more you think you're healing, the deeper the wound is searing." It doesn't represent how I am now, only how I was.
I don't want to give, I don't want to care anymore. To be the only one who tries, it's too tiring. And what for?
Why...
being who I am...
will I still care?
I'm so tired. I haven't spent over six hours working non-stop for school for this past semester except yesterday. At least, I was drawing, coloring, and cutting. When I went to bed, it ached everywhere.
But...Today, I'm feeling tired, differently.
Three months ago, I planned going to Cuba during holidays. My friend didn't want to go because we were just two. I wished to finally be away from here once. Then, I just lost the need to go. Another friend introduced a holiday, part time, job for me. I went for the interview last week, kind of flunked it, but they still took me in, lol. However, at the beginning of this week, I received I call from the hospital, and somehow, I knew it's for work during my winter break. Idiot. They swear they don't take students during the winter break. Anyways, I missed many calls from the head nurse and myself, I couldn't reach her with several tries. I hoped I can work part time at the hospital, so then, I can work at both places. Thinking that the chance was low, when I finally reached her, she said it's a 7/15 job!! Obviously, I agreed. It's going to be hard. By the 21st of January 08, I will again complain that I had no winter break, but I already feel excited to work.
I don't even care if it's sacrificing Christmas days or New Eves. I usually spend them alone in front of the computer. At least, I'll be with my patients. I'm glad, because I know they'd need me.
They say, people who try hard, will stop trying one day. I'm on the edge of it. I can bear a 'no'. I can bear a...'let's stop'. But I hate not knowing what's happening, because I've been through it, I don't want to feel like that again. I hate not knowing what's going on in someone's mind. I hate not knowing what you want. I hate...not having a clear answer.
In the end, I might just as well end it myself. It's right now that I hate the color 'gray', the word 'maybe'; I just want 'black or white', 'yes or no'.
" We've always known what hurts, still we haven't learned to stay away from such, because painful as it is, that's the only way to feel their presence (seems like some of my psycho patients who hurt themselves in order to feel that they are alive); we always give in, we still check on them every now and then just to see what's been happening since they left, that even if sometimes we say ' I just wanna see him/her happy', deep in our hearts, there's that flicker of hope. So then, it's true that the more you think you're healing, the deeper the wound is searing." It doesn't represent how I am now, only how I was.
I don't want to give, I don't want to care anymore. To be the only one who tries, it's too tiring. And what for?
Why...
being who I am...
will I still care?
23.10.07
The Value of Friendship
To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident...
To! realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
Among family, friends, career, and love, I value Friends the most, yet rely on career more, but I know, when I fall...only true friends would be there to catch me. ^^ And forgive my mistakes.
I love you, friends.
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident...
To! realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
Among family, friends, career, and love, I value Friends the most, yet rely on career more, but I know, when I fall...only true friends would be there to catch me. ^^ And forgive my mistakes.
I love you, friends.
14.10.07
A Typical Day of Mine
Aiya.
Erh.
Started this entry yesterday...only wrote the title... but don't know what to say.
I'm yawning.
Good Night to me. ^__^ aaahh... it's great talking to an old best friend once in a while. =)
lol...will be edited for sure.
// So I edited this entry with this crap =P // 07-10-16
Typical day of mine, not. - Nowhere on your birth certificate did it say life would be fair.
Okay... I hate filling the "Today I'm [...]" part. It never seems to have the exact word I need.
8:00 : Feeling all right, ready to go to school.
9:00 12:00 : Class subject: Soins aux mourants. Ouh. I guess, I was feeling so-so, wasn't paying much attention.
12:00 : Got 3 SMS from friends o.O
1) What are you doing?
2) I have my driver license!!!
3) We're at St-Paul. (WHERE, at St-Paul? So I called the friend back and geez, she was so rude as if I was dumb, asking, 'Can't you read the sms'? But damn, be more polite, you didn't specify.
12:00 to 13:00 : Listening to friends complaining about their class... they came late to class and the whole class was kind of bitching at them... They somewhat felt attacked...uh.
13:00 to 15:40 : Had a just-for-fun test in which I did not so bad. You get 1% just for being there.
15:40 to 15:52 : Oh Damn, I'm too early. Let's walk around...and wait... Ah no, 'toc, toc toc, the teacher was actually in her office.
16:52 to 16h45 : Training evaluation. Overall, it was good, but before leaving, the teacher said, ' I expect from you a little bit more than what I asked, just a little bit more.' All right, so what you meant by this after saying that... my training was good? o.O
17:00 to 18: 00: I was indecisive about if I should go to the library to study or go home. I just can't concentrate at home. In the end, I got off at Cremazie, (feeling too hungry), then I went to buy some food instead of eating the dinner at home and was very wired to do a good job at home.
18:00 to 19:00 : Still feeling very wired, went to take shower, came out to eat, drank coffee...
19:00 to 19:45: Ooouhh... excited!!!!
19:45 to 23:00 : Almost did nothing although my books are opened in front of me.
23:00 to 24:15 : Scanned a stupid huge book for friends and myself because we decided not to buy it. Frustration. Angered!!!! PISSED OFF! for god' sake.
I can't even remember when was the last time I've accumulated so much anger during days. and. can't evacuate it!!! GRRR! ...it just gets worse. and no. it's not *just* because of that stupid book. >.<>.< gahh!!!
Can that be said to be a typical day of mine?
Erh.
Started this entry yesterday...only wrote the title... but don't know what to say.
I'm yawning.
Good Night to me. ^__^ aaahh... it's great talking to an old best friend once in a while. =)
lol...will be edited for sure.
// So I edited this entry with this crap =P // 07-10-16
Typical day of mine, not. - Nowhere on your birth certificate did it say life would be fair.
Okay... I hate filling the "Today I'm [...]" part. It never seems to have the exact word I need.
8:00 : Feeling all right, ready to go to school.
9:00 12:00 : Class subject: Soins aux mourants. Ouh. I guess, I was feeling so-so, wasn't paying much attention.
12:00 : Got 3 SMS from friends o.O
1) What are you doing?
2) I have my driver license!!!
3) We're at St-Paul. (WHERE, at St-Paul? So I called the friend back and geez, she was so rude as if I was dumb, asking, 'Can't you read the sms'? But damn, be more polite, you didn't specify.
12:00 to 13:00 : Listening to friends complaining about their class... they came late to class and the whole class was kind of bitching at them... They somewhat felt attacked...uh.
13:00 to 15:40 : Had a just-for-fun test in which I did not so bad. You get 1% just for being there.
15:40 to 15:52 : Oh Damn, I'm too early. Let's walk around...and wait... Ah no, 'toc, toc toc, the teacher was actually in her office.
16:52 to 16h45 : Training evaluation. Overall, it was good, but before leaving, the teacher said, ' I expect from you a little bit more than what I asked, just a little bit more.' All right, so what you meant by this after saying that... my training was good? o.O
17:00 to 18: 00: I was indecisive about if I should go to the library to study or go home. I just can't concentrate at home. In the end, I got off at Cremazie, (feeling too hungry), then I went to buy some food instead of eating the dinner at home and was very wired to do a good job at home.
18:00 to 19:00 : Still feeling very wired, went to take shower, came out to eat, drank coffee...
19:00 to 19:45: Ooouhh... excited!!!!
19:45 to 23:00 : Almost did nothing although my books are opened in front of me.
23:00 to 24:15 : Scanned a stupid huge book for friends and myself because we decided not to buy it. Frustration. Angered!!!! PISSED OFF! for god' sake.
I can't even remember when was the last time I've accumulated so much anger during days. and. can't evacuate it!!! GRRR! ...it just gets worse. and no. it's not *just* because of that stupid book. >.<>.< gahh!!!
Can that be said to be a typical day of mine?
13.10.07
Two Fs' thing
'Goodbye is only painful when you know you'll never say hello again.'
I may appear to be in deep thoughts, but actually, my mind is blank, because I'm just clueless.
Some may say that it's possible to stay neutral, just that it's hard to stand that way because people want you to take side. Some may see it as denial.
I don't want to stay neutral anymore. All along, my mom was just trying to protect her daughter. (I still think that for her to choose *that* moment to venge her anger isn't right.) What happened between my grandmother and her is none of my concern, but what history of my uncle is. That would be the only point I'll have to confront my aunt with. I guess, I'll have to get what she already knows and clarify with what she doesn't. By doing so, I take a risk of killing the fragile relationship I have with my aunt and I might be blamed by my dad and the rest of the family too, for causing more trouble.
It seems to be how the society is. If you stay neutral, you'll be condemned for not having an opinion, but if you make a choice, people who aren't satisfy with it, will blame you for the negative result.
It's not that I don't have an opinion. Only, the story belongs to the past and although it has never been resolved, I can't believe four years later, it will. Maybe I'm used of trying to satisfy most of people around me and just adapt myself to people's will... That the only picture I saw, was the big picture, neglecting my own mom's feelings.
I'm not really scared of confronting my aunt, what I'm scared of is that forgiveness doesn't have its place among my family members. I still believe that family should forgive... I don't like my uncle, but after four years, how can I still be bother by what he did? It's not like I'm traumatized by this for the rest of my life. My case seems to bring more problems to people around me than myself.
As a kid *and honestly, even when I was in high school*, grandmother would tell stories and as I listened attentively to them, I believe them, even though they were very far-fetched. Time goes by, I learned to believe some and forget about others.
Mom told me that in the letter, grandmother wrote that she wished I'll become a nobody. Am I really hurt by this? I'm upset by her immaturity. I know that the 'face' is extremely important for my grandmother. When she talked to her friend, who's daughter is studying med., she seemed to be embarrassed by me, who's in nursing. At that time, I barely noticed and didn't put much emphasis on it, only, mom reminded me about it.
It's all right that she doesn't love me as much as her other grandchildren. Love shouldn't be obtained by exchanging something, not between family members. And, I don't need her love to live. But, at least, I wish that she would know that even after all this, I care enough to forgive, because my mother won't. But then, she might not even know that I already have. Maybe I just don't care. It's all about, "Okay, I know now, so?]" [dot].
I just can't understand her immaturity. Aunt asked me to call her whenever I have time because she'll die soon. I don't want to be the first one calling. I don't want to be the one giving in, because she's at fault. If she really cared, she would have called, instead of going around, telling people that we don't care about her. (by the way, aunt, you don't know what being old really is, grandmom can have at least 15 years to go). Age is an excuse for her behavior. And, it shouldn't be.
I know that Dad wants to have news of her. I understand that after all, she's his mother...but what about mine? And like me, four years ago, Dad chose silence, for the big picture... and I used to resent him for that. Just a bit.
I take a lot of time before making my choice, but once I have, I don't want to turn back and regret. Whatever choice I make, I will either betray my mom or my dad. This is why I acted neutral as much as possible.
I'm wondering if that's how adults' world is built up. You turn against your own family and become a loner, but even when you're a loner, it's impossible to live without love, so you end up searching for it everywhere, being thirsty for acceptance. Isn't that how we live in society, wherever we are?
But, family doesn't consist of four people. And, in my definition of family, forgiveness exists; to care and respect each other shows your love.
Does it have to be like in the movies? That only when you lose someone, you'll know how he was precious to you? Is it that by then, we'll start to sincerely care? Or maybe, even after this, we'll still turn our back to each other. Can human beings be more selfless. Why are we all stuck with our own success? Have they ever tried doing something, just for the sake of it or someone, knowing that it's pointless, but still persevere?
Ah, maybe the problem is me. Maybe, I'm being at fault for being myself, for being naive. //Edit// The point is... there are some things I just don't want to hear, because I already know it. For instance, brother complained that parents didn't subscribe him in a back-up school, in case his entrance exam for Regina goes bad. I heard (from my room with my movie on) Dad says, "It's because you do better than your sister at school, you don't need a back-up high school." Might be a fact, but was it a must to *repeat* it? But then, seeing how Dad is relaxed, I've long understood...because I do remember the oh-so encouraging sentence he said as he drove me to school on the exam day. Just something similar to: "If you don't get in, you can't/won't be able to study anymore (not have a future)." //End//
Just a change of subject, the point is the same. Me, stuck in the middle.
In about one month and a half, it'll be two of my high school friends' birthday. One of my friend said that she only have one day free that she can spend with us. I, as always, understand that she's busy. I also know that she likes it better to spend time with her own friends. It's something that bother me a bit, just because it bother others. What I mean is, it's the same pattern every year. However, one of the birthday girl wrote to me, saying she'll take a day off work just because it's the other friend birthday. She said, would I like if it was my birthday and your friend shoots you one day to take or to leave. All right, it's upsetting...but what can I do? I... Why am I always taking matter lightly and end up with mess like this? I can't confront my friend who has her busy schedule taken by *other* friends and school and family... not that she isn't aware of what she's doing... and it's not like I'm not at any wrong here. I feel guilty myself and can't bring myself to confront her. They all go through by me so their complains would come to me... It does hurt to know that our position seems to be last, in the end, we're not even a priority anymore.
Ah, sac à patates.
See, in reality, there's nothing for me to stay here. I so don't feel attached to this place.
There isn't something like, ' I can't live without you.'
Nancy, Ly, and Kim knows I want to work abroad. One supported the idea. One absolutely doesn't want me to leave her. One obviously doesn't want me to go, but would still say 'all right...'.
Let me learn. When I come back, I would know how much I miss what I have here. By then, I'd know how precious people are here to me. =)
Ah, it's already 2AM and I just came back home about one hour and a half ago. It already smells like Winter so cold but I like it. Made me think all about this.
I may appear to be in deep thoughts, but actually, my mind is blank, because I'm just clueless.
Some may say that it's possible to stay neutral, just that it's hard to stand that way because people want you to take side. Some may see it as denial.
I don't want to stay neutral anymore. All along, my mom was just trying to protect her daughter. (I still think that for her to choose *that* moment to venge her anger isn't right.) What happened between my grandmother and her is none of my concern, but what history of my uncle is. That would be the only point I'll have to confront my aunt with. I guess, I'll have to get what she already knows and clarify with what she doesn't. By doing so, I take a risk of killing the fragile relationship I have with my aunt and I might be blamed by my dad and the rest of the family too, for causing more trouble.
It seems to be how the society is. If you stay neutral, you'll be condemned for not having an opinion, but if you make a choice, people who aren't satisfy with it, will blame you for the negative result.
It's not that I don't have an opinion. Only, the story belongs to the past and although it has never been resolved, I can't believe four years later, it will. Maybe I'm used of trying to satisfy most of people around me and just adapt myself to people's will... That the only picture I saw, was the big picture, neglecting my own mom's feelings.
I'm not really scared of confronting my aunt, what I'm scared of is that forgiveness doesn't have its place among my family members. I still believe that family should forgive... I don't like my uncle, but after four years, how can I still be bother by what he did? It's not like I'm traumatized by this for the rest of my life. My case seems to bring more problems to people around me than myself.
As a kid *and honestly, even when I was in high school*, grandmother would tell stories and as I listened attentively to them, I believe them, even though they were very far-fetched. Time goes by, I learned to believe some and forget about others.
Mom told me that in the letter, grandmother wrote that she wished I'll become a nobody. Am I really hurt by this? I'm upset by her immaturity. I know that the 'face' is extremely important for my grandmother. When she talked to her friend, who's daughter is studying med., she seemed to be embarrassed by me, who's in nursing. At that time, I barely noticed and didn't put much emphasis on it, only, mom reminded me about it.
It's all right that she doesn't love me as much as her other grandchildren. Love shouldn't be obtained by exchanging something, not between family members. And, I don't need her love to live. But, at least, I wish that she would know that even after all this, I care enough to forgive, because my mother won't. But then, she might not even know that I already have. Maybe I just don't care. It's all about, "Okay, I know now, so?]" [dot].
I just can't understand her immaturity. Aunt asked me to call her whenever I have time because she'll die soon. I don't want to be the first one calling. I don't want to be the one giving in, because she's at fault. If she really cared, she would have called, instead of going around, telling people that we don't care about her. (by the way, aunt, you don't know what being old really is, grandmom can have at least 15 years to go). Age is an excuse for her behavior. And, it shouldn't be.
I know that Dad wants to have news of her. I understand that after all, she's his mother...but what about mine? And like me, four years ago, Dad chose silence, for the big picture... and I used to resent him for that. Just a bit.
I take a lot of time before making my choice, but once I have, I don't want to turn back and regret. Whatever choice I make, I will either betray my mom or my dad. This is why I acted neutral as much as possible.
I'm wondering if that's how adults' world is built up. You turn against your own family and become a loner, but even when you're a loner, it's impossible to live without love, so you end up searching for it everywhere, being thirsty for acceptance. Isn't that how we live in society, wherever we are?
But, family doesn't consist of four people. And, in my definition of family, forgiveness exists; to care and respect each other shows your love.
Does it have to be like in the movies? That only when you lose someone, you'll know how he was precious to you? Is it that by then, we'll start to sincerely care? Or maybe, even after this, we'll still turn our back to each other. Can human beings be more selfless. Why are we all stuck with our own success? Have they ever tried doing something, just for the sake of it or someone, knowing that it's pointless, but still persevere?
Ah, maybe the problem is me. Maybe, I'm being at fault for being myself, for being naive. //Edit// The point is... there are some things I just don't want to hear, because I already know it. For instance, brother complained that parents didn't subscribe him in a back-up school, in case his entrance exam for Regina goes bad. I heard (from my room with my movie on) Dad says, "It's because you do better than your sister at school, you don't need a back-up high school." Might be a fact, but was it a must to *repeat* it? But then, seeing how Dad is relaxed, I've long understood...because I do remember the oh-so encouraging sentence he said as he drove me to school on the exam day. Just something similar to: "If you don't get in, you can't/won't be able to study anymore (not have a future)." //End//
Just a change of subject, the point is the same. Me, stuck in the middle.
In about one month and a half, it'll be two of my high school friends' birthday. One of my friend said that she only have one day free that she can spend with us. I, as always, understand that she's busy. I also know that she likes it better to spend time with her own friends. It's something that bother me a bit, just because it bother others. What I mean is, it's the same pattern every year. However, one of the birthday girl wrote to me, saying she'll take a day off work just because it's the other friend birthday. She said, would I like if it was my birthday and your friend shoots you one day to take or to leave. All right, it's upsetting...but what can I do? I... Why am I always taking matter lightly and end up with mess like this? I can't confront my friend who has her busy schedule taken by *other* friends and school and family... not that she isn't aware of what she's doing... and it's not like I'm not at any wrong here. I feel guilty myself and can't bring myself to confront her. They all go through by me so their complains would come to me... It does hurt to know that our position seems to be last, in the end, we're not even a priority anymore.
Ah, sac à patates.
See, in reality, there's nothing for me to stay here. I so don't feel attached to this place.
There isn't something like, ' I can't live without you.'
Nancy, Ly, and Kim knows I want to work abroad. One supported the idea. One absolutely doesn't want me to leave her. One obviously doesn't want me to go, but would still say 'all right...'.
Let me learn. When I come back, I would know how much I miss what I have here. By then, I'd know how precious people are here to me. =)
Ah, it's already 2AM and I just came back home about one hour and a half ago. It already smells like Winter so cold but I like it. Made me think all about this.
10.10.07
Seven Wonders of the World
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help. " The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear
She hesitated a little, and then added
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and To LOVE
The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous.
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help. " The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear
She hesitated a little, and then added
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and To LOVE
The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous.
1.10.07
Buses and Life
"Although we can't see it, everyone has a red thread tied to their little finger. And on the other end of the thread is tied to the person who has the conjugal tie. However, the thread is entangled. So it's hard to find the other end. And sometimes, people just get lost. But some day, we will hold the red thread and stand in front of our conjugal tie."
So, after class, a friend gave me a ride and I had to choose to either take the subway at Henri-Bou or to take the bus at Christophe-Colomb. In the end, I chose to take the bus, thinking it will come in 5 minutes and we'll get there in time. We would have if we didn't get all the red lights. In the end, the bus turned the street just in front of my eyes and the chauffeur drove away when I was few meters away from the bus. Damn it.
Nah, I really didn't feel like walking for 30 min to reach home so I took the bus back to the subway station. There, I waited for another bus that goes on St-Hubert, knowing I'll be able to catch my bus ...one day. (Okay, I could have taken the subway but no.) Thinking that if it goes fine, I'll be able to catch the bus à 18h17 instead of waiting until 18h29 and it was about 18h10 when I looked my watch. Oh my... Can I feel luckier. The bus driver once again got most of the red lights too! When I got off of that bus, I was sure I missed my bus-home. Then, asking a lady standing there, she said the bus hasn't yet to come. Uh, after waiting for a while (7min?) the bus finally came, late but it still arrive.
Isn't it like life? Making the wrong choice, missing the opportunities, going backwards, missing another opportunities, feeling hopeless but still go on, and when you think you've again missed it, in the end, it still come. Late. But in the end, it comes around.
Hum, all right, I just did an examen in my Humanity class...might be a post-trauma.
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