What's Happening?

"Sometimes, it is much better to care than love. Cause when you care, you're safe from losing the person you care for. But when you love, you can lose everything you're scared of losing forever."

I'm so tired. I haven't spent over six hours working non-stop for school for this past semester except yesterday. At least, I was drawing, coloring, and cutting. When I went to bed, it ached everywhere.

But...Today, I'm feeling tired, differently.
Three months ago, I planned going to Cuba during holidays. My friend didn't want to go because we were just two. I wished to finally be away from here once. Then, I just lost the need to go. Another friend introduced a holiday, part time, job for me. I went for the interview last week, kind of flunked it, but they still took me in, lol. However, at the beginning of this week, I received I call from the hospital, and somehow, I knew it's for work during my winter break. Idiot. They swear they don't take students during the winter break. Anyways, I missed many calls from the head nurse and myself, I couldn't reach her with several tries. I hoped I can work part time at the hospital, so then, I can work at both places. Thinking that the chance was low, when I finally reached her, she said it's a 7/15 job!! Obviously, I agreed. It's going to be hard. By the 21st of January 08, I will again complain that I had no winter break, but I already feel excited to work.

I don't even care if it's sacrificing Christmas days or New Eves. I usually spend them alone in front of the computer. At least, I'll be with my patients. I'm glad, because I know they'd need me.

They say, people who try hard, will stop trying one day. I'm on the edge of it. I can bear a 'no'. I can bear a...'let's stop'. But I hate not knowing what's happening, because I've been through it, I don't want to feel like that again. I hate not knowing what's going on in someone's mind. I hate not knowing what you want. I hate...not having a clear answer.

In the end, I might just as well end it myself. It's right now that I hate the color 'gray', the word 'maybe'; I just want 'black or white', 'yes or no'.

" We've always known what hurts, still we haven't learned to stay away from such, because painful as it is, that's the only way to feel their presence (seems like some of my psycho patients who hurt themselves in order to feel that they are alive); we always give in, we still check on them every now and then just to see what's been happening since they left, that even if sometimes we say ' I just wanna see him/her happy', deep in our hearts, there's that flicker of hope. So then, it's true that the more you think you're healing, the deeper the wound is searing." It doesn't represent how I am now, only how I was.

I don't want to give, I don't want to care anymore. To be the only one who tries, it's too tiring. And what for?

Why...

being who I am...

will I still care?