How To Describe A Good Person

It has been so long since I last wrote here. Cyworld has changed and I don't like it very much. Now, it's just like any blog page with a messy organization of its content. I don't like to have my stuff all on the same page. It was great to have a menu on the right and sub tabs. Anyways.

Ah, it has been working and working since school ended. It has been freaking busy and I haven't even had the opportunity to lazy at home even if it's just one day. However, that's what I like about being busy...and away. It makes me miss home, otherwise, I'd always want to be outside. Somehow, the more you're away from something, the more you'll miss it. At the moment, I don't know how to love my family anymore and being home alone is like a torture...Lucky that with my job, I'd have opportunities to go away. And when I'd come back home, hopefully, I would have learn to love again. I know I'm blaming them for something they aren't even aware of...and it's as if by doing so, I'd feel less guilty for all the bad mishaps I'm doing to them. It's my idiotic way of balancing everything. I know I should not, but aren't there many many things I shouldn't do and many many things I should do, yet don't act accordingly?

Like a week ago, I met my nursing teacher to have my evaluation. She told me something that I can't get off of my mind, something that another nursing teacher once told me two years ago. They both said that they are aware I'm a good person, however, I must be careful with who I'm with, because some people have prejudices. They told me to stand strong because I have true values. Um...first, I'm not a good person and to think that I'm a good person is a prejudice. Second, I completely forgot until a friend reminded me that at that time, some student talked bad behind my back to the teacher so yeah. The problem is that throughout the traning period, I spent my time with one single person... someone who treat me like her friend (while I don't). It doesn't make much sense to me... as what can she possibly tell the teacher for her to give me those advice. But whatever, it happens all the time for me to be with people giving me back influence so whatever, up to me to choose.

I'm also very glad and I anticipate the moment I'd get my diploma. It seems so far away yet so close to me... after three years of intense training, finally. At 20 years, being a nurse is still unbeliveable to me. It's too young. I feel so old. To have so much work experience and being through different situations in life make me feel old...as if I've skipped a stage in life... where young people only enjoy life... does it appear like an unrealistic ideal? yeah eh? To be offically known as a nurse who take care of people when she can't even take care of herself is really something. From another point of view, I'm glad to have this ability because at the moment, taking care of unknown people seem to be what I do that best..and it brings me some sort of joy.

I can't rely on family, can't trust love, and have enough to be dependant on friends. Aye, I'm such a materialistic person...relying on superficial stuff to have a bit of happiness... But, I know...I know I yearn very much for my family's love and that special someone's...but now yet. Life brought me work and that's what I'm going to take for at least, the next five upcoming years. As I'm still young, it's the best time to get experience for work. And I love my job.

It's as if... I know what I want, yet going to the opposite path, and I end up being confused.

Time to go to bed, almost midnight and I'm working tomorrow morning. Back home, I'll have to update my laptop..hehe... and do some housecleaning, aiyaya.

Good night people.

Much love.

Yen