Heartless

The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.

Sometimes, I wonder if I have a heart. What happened for me to have such a cold heart? I attended a funeral, witnessed that person dying, but can't even shed tears. Seeing my cousins so sad, there's nothing I can do beside hugging them. During a whole lifetime, people come and go, but there's a difference when you know you'll never see that person ever again. However, that feeling is unknown to me. Having seen few deaths, I don't tremble in front of this. What I'm scared of is losing a life in my hands, but I'm aware that when time comes, people have to go.

I met many family members that I haven't seen in years, some recognize me, some don't. Everyone was there. With some, the feeling was great and the atmosphere was wonderful...but with others, it was awkward.

They are people we haven't talked to for so long due to family's problems. With my cousin's dad departure, family members gathered and everything seems normal. People tried to be as friendly as possible, although they are complaining and actually do not want to be there. I wonder how long this peaceful moment would last. Would the coldness come back? Why can't we sincerely forgive each other, turn the page, and move on with our lives? Anyways, from the start, we meant nothing to each other, so why bothering being angry?

I can't understand them and I don't understand myself.

Sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing. Being stubborn, I just do it without caring if it's good or not...or even knowing it's bad, I'd still do it. Why? I feel so heartless not only to people around me but also to myself. I'm aware that by doing this...I'll just get sad...but I did not expect to be so upset.

I know I've been lying to myself from the start...and kept on doing so. Also, even though I knew the truth, I would just ignore it, as if it wasn't there. That's so not a way to live a life.

After all this, I find myself losing strength. I guess time to give up is coming. I can't see myself going on for long anymore without knowing where I'm heading towards to... At first, it might be fun to live an unstable life because not a day is the same...but in the end, it's tiresome.

I'm losing patience. Some kind of behaviour is just not tolerable. There's a give-and-take rule that needs to be kept balanced in any sort of relationship and when it's unbalanced with consequences, then it's time to reflect on what's wrong.

Why can't we face it? Why can't we face the truth and talk about what went wrong? As if, it wasn't worth the effort, worth the time, worth investing.

I'm exhausted.

I'm pissed off...because I tried too much, gave more than me.

When would it be really too much?

I wish I could press on a button so that I can see how's the future.

But... how many times have I told myself to stop and never did?
How many times did I hide that I'm mad or sad...?
It's wrong not showing how we really feel...I'm aware that I have tendency to keep things inside, however this might be done due to inferiority feelings that shouldn't be there in the first place. I need to rise.

tuy người hầu bên cạnh ngươi không phải la ta
ta không được lồng của ngươi
nhưng mà đã được có người của ngươi
như vậy đã đủ cho ta
nhớ một đời, một kiếp.

Omg, it took me age to type this down right, hopefully. It's actually a script from a chinese series...but, in such a long while, it made me tear up..weeping in my room.

//Edit
Initially, I thought about posting this private so that I can continue the entry another day...but as I'm busy everyday, didn't get time and mood to continue this. At most, I'll just create another entry.