Sinh nhật

I know you want me to be okay, but you can't always get what you want. In the meantime, you don't even actually care."

All right, so now I'm 20. I remember back then when I got 18, I didn't even feel like I've aged or whatever. However, even before reaching the rightful date, I felt so old. Is it because so much happened within one year? Most likely. Did I learn something good? Guess not. On the other hand, I'm done with my 3 years Nursing studies. It's short for all the responsibilities.

After all, I don't think I understand life more than I did a year ago.
A friend said I feel like I'm old, because people keep telling me I look older, but actually, I'm still baby...still naive.

It's just...life brings some events I would never understand why.

For instance, after a seven year relationship, my cousin and her fiancé broke apart. The reason is, they haven't been happy together for the past six months. Of course, I'd never really know, since I'm just an outsider. It seems to be easier to turn away than confronting the person to solve the problem. How come, decades ago, divorce wasn't even something people'd think of and now it happens to half of the marriages? People come to me, telling me I'm tolerating too much. Maybe. But can you be a little bit more tolerant towards your significant other, then? A little bit less of jealousy, a little bit less of tantrums, be a little more understanding, care of the other a little bit more...but I know, this happens only in my idealistic world.

It's sad that people can say 'goodbye' so easily. Some relationships really can't be worked-up and sometimes, it's better to leave it broken than trying to fix it up and hurt yourself.

I'm upset for my Bday party. First, a friend got mad. She jerked off my hand when I took hers, so I thought I did something bad. The things is, that side of her, she only shows it to me...because she smiled to others. My others friends thought it wasn't appropriated. All I can say is, it has always been like this. Friends like to show their upset side preferably only to me. Why? Probably because I don't bite. Part of, I might be closer to them than someone else, but again, you just don't do this to your friend...at least, be fair. I guess, it's too much to ask for.

Then, another friend thought I faked of having too much alcohol in me for attention-crave, until she saw I was all red with patches. How come I stupidly believe what they say, taken for granted that they are my friends, while they don't believe my words? In the end, she had to feel guily and apologize several times. And I answered, 'It's okay'.

As the cherry on top, friends kinda ignored the cake and continued with their hockey game. It was getting stuffing inside, without saying a word to them, I went outside for fresh air. The friend that accompagnied me doesn't understand how a friend can be less important than a hockey game. I told her that at least, it only happens once.

Because I never want to make a big deal out of many events that bother me, I don't say anything.

But today I'm very tired.
I know I don't quite respect myself sometimes...but I still want to be respected as a friend.
I don't want to be ignored.

Me, being a fool like this, is it the same as someone who chose the easy path in his relationship?
He doesn't want to solve the problem with his partner, is it because he doesn't have enough courage to face her?
I don't want to speak out, is it because I don't have enough courage?
But sincerely, I don't want to hurt them...and hurt myself after fixing up the mess...
My feelings do not come into words, but they show in my behaviour.
I want to keep it, but the chest wants to explode.

Sometimes, you want to be alone.
Sometimes, you feel sad and want to reach out of someone...
You see him, but he only shows his back; being ignored, you turn and walk away.
Can you really do it?
Or you just stay there, frustrated...
And continue to wait?

To go.
Meet new people, see another world.
If there's someone who'd sincerely take care of me...
Because taking care of others takes a lot of your love.
When you get back home, who do not want to see their beloved one?
And finally fall asleep in his embrace.
Because I want to be cherished too.
Can it be a long long term birthday wish?

Up to now, I still don't understand life. Why does it have to be so complicated?
I'm very ignorant, but I don't want to learn.
Although I see a lot of the grown-up's world, I cannot bring that into myself and I don't see myself getting into it. I don't learn.

It's like my friend who kept on telling me how our department is bitchy after she came back to work. How come I didn't see this? People were nice to me...(repeating myself...