Seriously, I don't know what else I can do or say. But I do have a lot to say.
Sunday morning, someone I have known for 8 years blamed me for doing friends selection. Blamed me for my straightforwardness that I don't realize what I say (I don't realize it because my intention wasn't mean. She took it the wrong way). The whole time, she'd think that I want to speak alone with another friend and so on. Therefore, she believes I select out friends and tell people different secrets time by time. At the moment, I thought, all right, so I am wrong. But the more that I talk about it, the more I can guarantee that everyone does it. Even she does it but when I confront her about, she's convinced that she doesn't.
For the whole time we've known each other, she has always blamed me for who I am. Was it when I was 16 y.o or is it when I'm 20 y.o...it's the same, because she still live in her childhood...or as a teenager.
Now, I want to ask her, what is she still doing here as my friend? She would never be able to accept me as I am. She says I speak hurtful words. She directly said, "Your life is a mess but ours aren't. You think your problems are just problem. But your problems are actually the end of the world for us."
What the heck? Do you say this to your friend?
As I am me. There're so many scenarios going on in my mind to confront her. But as I used to be, I always always forgive, even if they take 6 months to say I'm sorry. Plus, don't forget that to begin with, they were the one blaming me for everything. But since I've changed as much as she claimed I did, no, I don't want to speak a word to her again. And I don't want to forgive. Because this will always always go on. She'll never understand what's wrong with her. Spending her time judging her friends, saying she hates that person, and turning friends against each other is just as wrong as what I do. When she had trouble, I didn't word any judging and offered my help--even if that didn't work out.
It's not because a person does horrible thing that he's a horrible person. This, she will never understand.
At least, there's one thing that she agrees with me is that, even after 8 years, all five of us don't know each other.
She also puts words into my mouth. I've never said that I regretted about something, but if she goes on with this behavior of hers, sure I'll end up regretting it. Oh, I might have already by now. Serve you right. You say, you won't be able to tell me your secrets from now on? Do you think I'll be able to tell my secrets then? Trust me, you won't hear from me anytime soon. And, there's no way you'd get to know me anymore. If you haven't accepted me before, you won't do later on.
I believe I do evolve. Change. But at the same time, I believe sincerely that me is still me. Isn't there a saying that if you take any risk, you don't get anything? I was never perfect to begin with because I did not have a perfect life. Only you people thought I was perfect. But since I'm no longer who you think I am, and that you don't like me as who I am today, fuck off. I have so much going in my life, because you said it yourself, my life is such a mess, that I can't be dealing with you too! (Actually, I didn't think my life was such a mess before you said it. At least, I was still able to cope with my mess.)
Monday evening, my grandfather who left my house called home to yell at dad. He somehow learned about the story that happened on me due to my uncle. A story of 4 years old. He blamed them for not telling him when he was here. Then, he goes on blaming my grandmother's affair with my uncle. The hell? Why would my grandmother's having an affair with my uncle? Since the crisis between my grandmother and my mother, I haven't been talking to her much, but it's just an obvious thing. My grandfather wondered if my aunt knows about. Dad said no because he doesn't want my aunt to get more trouble with her life. Look, I did resent them for choosing this, but since I've kept this as it is for 4 years, can't they just move on with MY life?
People around me pretend that they've moved on. But they haven't because either they can't openly talk about the problem or they just talk about it days and nights.
You might think that I'm insensitive. Ok, I might be. But what do you want me to do? There's nothing to do! And yes, there're a so much more problems in the world, like a person dying of whatever illness that is. Oh and whatever, in the end, they're still MY problems. Can't I do what I want with them? Anyways, I've been digging such a deep hole to bury them that it doesn't matter anymore. And maybe, if I haven't been doing that, maybe I wouldn't even be here by now, 'cuz I seem to be a problem magnet.
Nevertheless, I am on the verge of an outburst. But, no tear is coming out even though I know I might feel better. I do want a shoulder to rest on.
When my aunt asked if I wanted to move to Toronto. I seriously freaked out. Yeah, I've always said that I don't want to stay here, but she sounded so serious. At that time (1month ago), I told her, there're still people I don't want to leave behind.
In the end, I don't have any reason to stay. Nobody really needs me. See? Why I only feel fine beside my patients' beds? Because I know, they truly need me to get through it. The smile of gratitude they share are genuine. Those strangers' smiles are more genuine than my friend's.
The irony of life.
I know, it sounds so dramatic. It is dramatic because all this is happening at the same time.
Just a not-so-funny story for fun.
I was so upset that I yelled out because there was no butter to put on my brownish toasts. I made a scene on my mom for butter!
Sunday morning, someone I have known for 8 years blamed me for doing friends selection. Blamed me for my straightforwardness that I don't realize what I say (I don't realize it because my intention wasn't mean. She took it the wrong way). The whole time, she'd think that I want to speak alone with another friend and so on. Therefore, she believes I select out friends and tell people different secrets time by time. At the moment, I thought, all right, so I am wrong. But the more that I talk about it, the more I can guarantee that everyone does it. Even she does it but when I confront her about, she's convinced that she doesn't.
For the whole time we've known each other, she has always blamed me for who I am. Was it when I was 16 y.o or is it when I'm 20 y.o...it's the same, because she still live in her childhood...or as a teenager.
Now, I want to ask her, what is she still doing here as my friend? She would never be able to accept me as I am. She says I speak hurtful words. She directly said, "Your life is a mess but ours aren't. You think your problems are just problem. But your problems are actually the end of the world for us."
What the heck? Do you say this to your friend?
As I am me. There're so many scenarios going on in my mind to confront her. But as I used to be, I always always forgive, even if they take 6 months to say I'm sorry. Plus, don't forget that to begin with, they were the one blaming me for everything. But since I've changed as much as she claimed I did, no, I don't want to speak a word to her again. And I don't want to forgive. Because this will always always go on. She'll never understand what's wrong with her. Spending her time judging her friends, saying she hates that person, and turning friends against each other is just as wrong as what I do. When she had trouble, I didn't word any judging and offered my help--even if that didn't work out.
It's not because a person does horrible thing that he's a horrible person. This, she will never understand.
At least, there's one thing that she agrees with me is that, even after 8 years, all five of us don't know each other.
She also puts words into my mouth. I've never said that I regretted about something, but if she goes on with this behavior of hers, sure I'll end up regretting it. Oh, I might have already by now. Serve you right. You say, you won't be able to tell me your secrets from now on? Do you think I'll be able to tell my secrets then? Trust me, you won't hear from me anytime soon. And, there's no way you'd get to know me anymore. If you haven't accepted me before, you won't do later on.
I believe I do evolve. Change. But at the same time, I believe sincerely that me is still me. Isn't there a saying that if you take any risk, you don't get anything? I was never perfect to begin with because I did not have a perfect life. Only you people thought I was perfect. But since I'm no longer who you think I am, and that you don't like me as who I am today, fuck off. I have so much going in my life, because you said it yourself, my life is such a mess, that I can't be dealing with you too! (Actually, I didn't think my life was such a mess before you said it. At least, I was still able to cope with my mess.)
Monday evening, my grandfather who left my house called home to yell at dad. He somehow learned about the story that happened on me due to my uncle. A story of 4 years old. He blamed them for not telling him when he was here. Then, he goes on blaming my grandmother's affair with my uncle. The hell? Why would my grandmother's having an affair with my uncle? Since the crisis between my grandmother and my mother, I haven't been talking to her much, but it's just an obvious thing. My grandfather wondered if my aunt knows about. Dad said no because he doesn't want my aunt to get more trouble with her life. Look, I did resent them for choosing this, but since I've kept this as it is for 4 years, can't they just move on with MY life?
People around me pretend that they've moved on. But they haven't because either they can't openly talk about the problem or they just talk about it days and nights.
You might think that I'm insensitive. Ok, I might be. But what do you want me to do? There's nothing to do! And yes, there're a so much more problems in the world, like a person dying of whatever illness that is. Oh and whatever, in the end, they're still MY problems. Can't I do what I want with them? Anyways, I've been digging such a deep hole to bury them that it doesn't matter anymore. And maybe, if I haven't been doing that, maybe I wouldn't even be here by now, 'cuz I seem to be a problem magnet.
Nevertheless, I am on the verge of an outburst. But, no tear is coming out even though I know I might feel better. I do want a shoulder to rest on.
When my aunt asked if I wanted to move to Toronto. I seriously freaked out. Yeah, I've always said that I don't want to stay here, but she sounded so serious. At that time (1month ago), I told her, there're still people I don't want to leave behind.
In the end, I don't have any reason to stay. Nobody really needs me. See? Why I only feel fine beside my patients' beds? Because I know, they truly need me to get through it. The smile of gratitude they share are genuine. Those strangers' smiles are more genuine than my friend's.
The irony of life.
I know, it sounds so dramatic. It is dramatic because all this is happening at the same time.
Just a not-so-funny story for fun.
I was so upset that I yelled out because there was no butter to put on my brownish toasts. I made a scene on my mom for butter!
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