Digital Perm

I've been lacking update and haven't given any explanation for it yet, but that will come on the next entry. So about three weeks ago, as I was going for my zip code vaccine.... Mom forced me into getting it otherwise if I get stopped at the borders and waste a 800$ all-included ticket, she would kill me. Actually, with my work, I have access to those vaccine confirmation papers and can fill in one myself. It wouldn't do much harm since the fake papers won't go into governments' statistics. Anyways, I did it for my cake friend 'cuz he refuses the vaccine but had to take the plane for California. My cousin literally hates me for not faking one for her because her mom also forced her to take the vaccine. I can't bring myself to fake it upon me, since I belong to the health care system. You either have it or you don't. Even with the vaccine, I still think that I can very well contract the zip code virus. I cannot bring myself to believe in its effectiveness. (Oh yes, and instead of getting it at work (hospital and vaccination center) when it was the time, I went through all the waiting lines and process because I totally lagged behind. Crappy me.)

On that very same day, I went for a digital perm. The difference between a regular perm is that it costs twice the price, yet does less harm to the hair and gives a way better result. I had been pondering on getting a perm for ages, but couldn't do it because of its price and I was scared to end up like a lion. Well, that day, I decided it was time for a change. I didn't want shorter hair nor a change in color because I just like my dark brownish burned by the sun hair color. All the process lasted for four hours and I nearly thought my neck would break in two. The rods were burning my scalp even with the thick cotton pads. The hairstylist also trimmed way too much hair off of my head, but when I realized it, it was too late. I understand why he did so, but hey...spare some hair please! Those Asians...

This isn't me...it's borrowed from Google. Indeed, they are hot rods attached to the heating machine. I looked like someone who came out of Star Wars or something.

Immediately after the perm, when I was finally home.

I thought I looked horrible. I was yet to get used to the change and felt like I had curls when I asked for waves. He refused to pick the biggest rods and it was only a week later that I understood the reason for it.

After my first hair wash.

I was prohibited to wash my hair for 48h. Oh did it stink the chemical products.

A week after the perm

If you haven't noticed, the curls uncurled themselves into looser waves. I'm loving it. It takes higher maintenance and I've lost quite some hair as I tried to entangle all the knots, but I've gotten many compliments and even friends and family who want to get a digital perm too! My hair has been straight for over twenty years, so I have some strands that are almost as straight as they used to be...which sucks. Damn it, the best I can do is shaping the curls with my finger. I hate gel and mousse.

Oh, and if you think this is a lot of long hair, you are so wrong! Once they gather on my sides, nothing is left behind. Before the perm, my hair went past my boobs. Now, it isn't always the case, depending on which strand it is.

So, what do you think of the change?

Red Velvet

Have you heard about my infamous red velvet? And not because it's extraordinary tasty, but because of the stupid gossips it dragged along. To tell you the truth, they had led to nothing.

The ingredients : before I realized that I should take a picture, I've already put all the dry powder together.

Divided into two pans...shishhh...such as work on my on, since the other person wasn't there yet. But really, it's just a cake, it has been worse before (cutting carrots into thin layers).

The final result!!! My cakes obviously deflated. The recipe has too much frosting so if you plan on baking a red velvet, lower the frosting portions down almost by half. All right, it wasn't my idea to put the fruits like this although I got most credits for the cake. He did it on his own as I was in my bedroom getting ready for the birthday dinner.

There was a little less than 3/4 of the cake left after everyone had a piece at the restaurant. Everyone was too full to eat more. A girl was supposed to take the leftover since she had a lift and the rest all took the metro including me. However, he (the other person who helped with the cake) told me that he took it home and his mom and brother almost finished the cake, which was excellent. Yay? Geez, it cost me 40$ from my own pockets... (and no I didn't ask for a share from everyone else).

So, what's the big deal about it? Just those two words I keep hearing from the girls : "something something". But hey, nothing happened and nothing is near to happen. Being not very subtle about it, I think it's very embarrassing for him. The girls are not very mature about it and they like to tease a little too much. My longtime friend and I concluded that because we're so easily bullied....we just get bullied when it's our turn, even if we've never bullied them when they were in a relationship. Actually, I never did, but it would be a long story if I have to go back to who's in debts with whom.

In the end, all I can tell you is that, there is nothing between us. We're probably not eager enough, not into it enough or because we're just fine like this. Sometimes, you get too comfortable to make a change. And honestly with you, I've been waiting so long for a normal drama-less life that I'll just take it as it is, even if it means to be really alone.

So here is the recipe if anyone is interested.

Cake

* 2 1/4 cups sifted cake flour (sifted, then measured)
* 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
* 1 teaspoon baking powder
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup buttermilk
* 1 tablespoon red food coloring
* 1 teaspoon distilled white vinegar
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 1 1/2 cups sugar
* 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
* 2 large eggs


Frosting

* 2 8-ounce packages cream cheese, room temperature
* 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
* 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
* 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar


* 3 1/2-pint baskets fresh raspberries
* 3 1/2-pint baskets fresh blueberries

For cake:
Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter and flour two 9-inch-diameter cake pans with 1 1/2-inch-high sides. Sift sifted flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda, and salt into medium bowl. Whisk buttermilk, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla in small bowl to blend. Using electric mixer, beat sugar and butter in large bowl until well blended. Add eggs 1 at a time, beating until well blended after each addition. Beat in dry ingredients in 4 additions alternately with buttermilk mixture in 3 additions.

Divide batter between prepared pans. Bake cakes until tester inserted into center comes out clean, about 27 minutes. Cool in pans on racks 10 minutes. Turn cakes out onto racks; cool completely.

For frosting:
Beat cream cheese and butter in large bowl until smooth. Beat in vanilla. Add powdered sugar and beat until smooth.

Place 1 cake layer, flat side up, on platter. Spread 1 cup frosting over top of cake. Arrange 1 basket raspberries and 1/2 basket blueberries atop frosting, pressing lightly to adhere. Top with second cake layer, flat side down. Spread remaining frosting over top and sides of cake. Arrange remaining berries decoratively over top of cake. (Can be made 1 day ahead. Cover and refrigerate. Let stand at room temperature 1 hour before serving.)

Source : google?

After Patience and Effort...

Kind of self-explanatory

After so much patience and effort, finally someone gave in.
Yet, isn't it always like this?
It's just another love story worth reading of.

Meaning of Love in School Subjects

Yeah...it's in Vietnamese, but I've roughly added some English translations.

LỊCH SỬ: Tình yêu là một cuộc cách mạng giải phóng chủ nghĩa độc thân. History: Love is a revolution against the state of being alone

ĐỊA LÍ:Tình yêu là một trận động đất trong tâm hồn và trái tim là "núi lửa ". Geography: Love is an earthquake in your soul and the heart is a “volcano”.

HÓA HỌC: Tình yêu là một phản ứng hóa học sinh ra axít. Chemistry: Love is a chemical reaction that forms acid

VẬT LÍ: Tình yêu là một lực hút mạnh hơn lực hút của trái đất. Physics: Love is a gravitation force stronger than the Earth’s

TÓAN HỌC: Tình yêu là một phép trừ của túi tiền,phép chia của trái tim,phép nhân của nhân lọai, và là phép cộng của mọi sự rắc rối. Math: Love is subtraction from bag of money, division of the heart, multiplication of humans and the addition of every problem.

VĂN HỌC: Tình yêu là một quyển sách dày mà đọc từ đầu trang đến cuối trang ta không hiểu gì cả. Literature: Love is reading a thick book from the beginning page till the end and not understanding a single thing

ẨM THỰC: Tình yêu là một lít rượu hòa chung với hai lít dấm. Food technology: Love is the mixture of 1 liter of wine and 2 liters of vinegar

TÂM THẦN HỌC: Tình yêu giống như bệnh tâm thần.Người đang yêu nhìn thấy,nghe thấy những điều mà người bình thường không nghe thấy. Họ cười, khóc, giận, thương, buồn, vui.....vô cớ mà vẫn cho rằng mình rất tỉnh táo. Psychiatry: Love is like mental illness. A person in love can see and hear things that a normal person can’t. They laugh, cry, get mad, feel sadness and happiness for no reason at all and still call themselves normal.

Các môn khoa học cố gắng làm những điều phức tạp thành đơn giản còn tình yêu thì làm điều ngược lại. Science makes complex stuff turn simple while love does the opposite thing.

Respirez par le nez

Crime, je pense que s'il y a une autre personne qui me demande s'elle devrait accepter le vaccin contre la grippe des cochons, je vais la piquer moi-même, malgré que je n'ai pas eu la formation. Bon, en réalité, je lui réponds, 'c'est ton choix', question d'éviter de remplir mes devoirs.

Et puis après 10 demandes de la raison de mon refus du vaccin, je leur répond que je suis suicidaire. Ahhmm... non, pas vraiment.

Mais sérieusement, outre le vaccin, il y a quelque chose qui s'appelle système immunitaire. Par exemple, se laver les mains avec de l'eau et du savon c'est plus utile que de l'eau Javel(Purel). Et sérieusement, sans maladie prédisposante, je ne vois pas pourquoi, par chance, lorsque j'attrapperai cette grippe, j'en compliquerai. Cela est de même pour le reste de la population. Ne voyez-vous pas que c'est la pharmacie qui en resort avec plus qu'un sourire? (Après, il ne restera plus d'argent pour déblayer la neige des routes, je veux essayer de conduire en hiver, moi. Oui?) Et pourtant, mon amie en médecine m'a bien répondu 'et une autre...' quand je lui ai dis que je ne le veux pas ce foutu vaccin. L'ironie est que les médecins ne recommandent pas ce vaccin aux femmes enceintes, malgré avec le retrait de l'additif. Vous y croyez-vous au pouvoir d'un vaccin créé en moins de 1 an? Moi, je crois aux transformations d'ADN des virus.

Il faut avouer que mon système immuntaire ne m'aime pas toujours, mais bien dormir et manger, tout en essayant d'écraser ce maudit stress, aura un plus gros succès. Bon bref, m'a faire mon devoir... et conseiller ce vaccin aux personnes souffrant de maladies respiratoires (asthme). Effectivement, la grippe pourrait entraîner de sérieuses complications respiratoires (parce que la mort n'est pas la pire conséquence). Oh hey, mais les gens continuent de mourir de cancer et du sida, alors la grippe...respirez donc par le nez!

//Edit 09.11.08

Voici un exemple d'attitude qui ne concorde pas avec le comportement. Vendredi soir, j'ai été appelée pour vacciner les gens contre ce virus, ce dont j'ai accepté. Pour quelqu'un qui se demandait quoi faire de sa fin de semaine, ramasser 500$ en 2 jours, cela n'est pas une si mauvaise idée.

Travailler sur son cul, cela a son côté épuisant. Pendant les heures de pointes, je faisais près de 1 vaccin à la minute. Aujourd'hui, contrairement à hier, pendant 3h, aucun des enfants que j'ai vacciné à pleurer. L'infirmier a côté de moi m'a gagé que si aucun ne pleure jusqu'à son départ, il allait me donner un cadeau pour Noël. Je n'ai jamais réellement compris ce que je faisais de différent, mais les patients à l'hôpital me font la remarque que je fais moins mal que les autres. Bref, cela a abouti à des "quand est-ce que tu veux ton cadeau? Il faudrait qu'on se voit. Ou donne moi ton numéro de téléphone, je vais te l'amener chez toi." Évidemment, il m'a freak out et quand j'écrivais des sms à Nancy, il m'a demandé si j'avais un 'date' après. WTF? Bon donc, j'ai passé les 2h suivant à l'ignorer et je pense qu'il a compris, tout en me redemandant à maintes reprises si je ne veux pas le cadeau et qu'il ne fait que m'agacer. Oui, c'est ça. Non, je ne suis pas intéressée. Il me rappelle le microbiologiste pervers de mon hôpital (mais au lieu d'être dans la cinquantaine, il était dans la trentaine) dont j'ai eu le malheur d'être dans le même ascenceur que lui après mon travail, pour lequel j'ai mérité un "Mais comment ça se fait que tu es ici? Depuis quand tu travailles un vendredi?" (C'est vrai, mais vous me stalkez ou quoi? Beurk, une chance que son résident cute était là...) C'était quoi le but de mon histoire déjà?

Ah oui... c'est certain qu'on m'a demandé si j'ai eu le vaccin... et ben, non. Voilà l'ironie. Je me sentais presque mal lorsque je vaccinais des femmes enceintes, soutout celle qui le prennent avec adjuvant.

The Bucket of Stress

Ok, so I heard I tend to disappear from a few but almost everyone. Fact is, I've lessen my hospital work days to spend more time on midterms, to which I've realized they aren't midterms, but full-terms. By the time I'd be done with them, I'll have about 3 weeks before finals. Hence, that didn't really help much with the social life. Yet, I don't mind. Let's rewind to what happened recently, starting from a week ago.

My cell is sick: chronic illness. Through an acquaintance, who has the cell that I'd like, he suggested that I buy it on Ebay for a lower price than retail's. Being me, I knew I was going to be scammed, so I asked 2 different friends to come, in case one couldn't make it, but in the end, neither of them came. Picking the phone up on my own (seller made it complicated as she lives in Brossard), my brain processed that the cell was fine as it was working. While at home, the acquaintance and I were trying to figure out what's wrong when my laptop couldn't detect the phone nor via Bluetooth or USB cable. We were also trying to find a way to update its firmware. I still don't get the point for companies to sell unstable electronics that need upgrade after upgrade. Then, he said that I should have called him to come with me. "Ok...you may have my phone number, but I don't have yours." "It's on FB." Really? 'Cuz I often check FB to see if people leaves their phone number there! (That's it, minus 1 day for stuyding.)

The next day, as I promised to take some friends out of their boredom, even if I was lacking time for myself, we went for some rocks climbing. The very very few times I choose to go to HorizonRoc, it has to snow or rain like there was no tomorrow. Why does my friend always want to hold my umbrella while he just can't do it for two? In the end, we were three soaked ducks inside the sweaty-stinky place. And I had to have the brilliant idea to come without clothes to change. I also felt so apologetic towards my French friend who came even if he knew he couldn't climb without accreditation. Since he made it to there, he decided to take the test without any lesson, but gave up in beginning as he didn't remember much from his high school climbing experience. We ended up being the 3 of us...but something was wrong. Even if I was on the ground holding onto my friend's life, I was freaking stressing out. He tried for a few times to overcome an angled wall and everytimes, he'd entangled around the cord, it lifted me a bit from the floor. It's almost as frightening as my med-like exam. Not normal. Or was it stressed building up from test, phone, climbing fright? Yeah...just imagine me few meters away from the ground if I'm already palm sweating holding onto someone else's life. Seriously, I'm a joke. (Minus another day for studying)

Back to the story of not-my-phone, I was afraid the woman would run away with my money. She doesn't understand it when I tried to explain the reasons why the phone is a fake. Well, she called back after my climbing friend stalked her. Then, thanks to him, two days after paying for the phone, he drove me to Champlain Mall on South Shore to get my money back. Phieww...

Now we're onto Monday and it's two days before my exam. As I was reading an article, my netbook screen suddenly went blue, stating that there was an error so it shut down. It'd reboot on itself but Windows couldn't be restarted. Damn it. Anyways, I took the opportunity to catch up on a friend, while another one reinstalled Windows. He managed to do a backup of my files but couldn't retrieve them. I lost what I just fell in love with: PS-CS2. Good lord, my documents are in a separate drive. He doesn't know what cause the crash and just said it happens sometimes...just very rarely. I'm just unlucky enough for that to fall on me. On the very same day, at the very same moment, I got a call from Kim asking me to go to ER with her as she's under tremendous pain with her swollen wrist. I've declined. I got too many things to do for myself and with the exam, I cannot lose another day of studying. Plus, I told her there's nothing I can do for it even if I came along and it's probably just sprained (to which I'm right). Ok...I guess, I suck as a friend.

The bottom line is...over the past few weeks, all these melting pot of events, even if I was tired, I couldn't fall asleep before very late. Headache was continuous days after days and it fell like my neck was about to break off from its spine. Yet, I'm not doing anything. I'm no longer attending parties, I hate hanging out in groups and I canceled 3 invitations for Halloween parties. Also, I just learned I've to do some blood tests after my shift on a friend (and her bf, who never undergone any test), who just learned that her bf had unprotected sex with a woman, who was having unprotected sex with someone else, and he didn't tell say anything before going unprotected with her. The hospital will some money in exchange of my friend's stress-relieved state, if everything'll be fine. Lovely. Nonetheless, birth control pills are the best invention ever (after electricity).

Well, at least I enjoy what I'm learning and books are my best friends. We're having one way communication. I think mankind scares me. Somehow. Oh well, it's always full of surprises.

That's the story of my uncontrolled stressed moments.
Massage saved my day.
And it's almost 3h00 so I better try to sleep before I write some more. See ya!

First Fall

Days like Today

Isn't it a day to capture into a photo outside? Clear blue sky, blissfully warmth and cold weather...I like it. Ok, it sucks working on a day like this, but even with an extra patient, I came home within 45 min!!! (loving the bus schedules now that they're back to normal). Now, it's even better that I can take the car out for a ride whenever some friends call for dinner after the job. I will probably curse myself over when the time to park the huge black beast in the Mont-Royal and downtown area arrives. Nevertheless, I get to taste receipes from our Eastern cousins. My friend (the same friend who calls me 'bonhomme en carton' over my new addiction) wants to learn how to make chicken congee since summer ...but God knows how long it can take me to do something sometimes. For tonight, I'll just bring some spring rolls over and stinky fish sauce for the fat ugly cat.

Oh, did this happen to you before? As your phone ring, you glance over the callerID, then you pick it up and start blabbering endlessly, until you realize the person who has been listening to you, isn't the one you thought would be? Instead of being a female voice, it's a male voice saying, 'yeah ok, but Im X'. All this while, he could have said something! So embarassing.

Running CS2 on this blog layout for the first time was worth it. Finally, an useful upgrade. They added new filters. They are wonderful and so useful! It took me less than 15 min and I got it done. The super duper cheesy viet quote I added on the menu was shown to a friend. She didn't agree with it and turned it into this:

Dành một phút để nhớ
Dành một giờ để yêu
Dành một tháng để buon
Dành một năm để han
Và dành cả đời để quen một người

Mind her, she was having a quarelling week with the boyfriend. But I can't hate someone for a year, while only sparing an hour for its mirror feeling. I'd switch these two, then it'll all make more sense, won't it?

p.s. no pervert jokes among us tonight. my heart can't take it. yes.

nah ah

One Year Later

It took me over a year to upload the last album to Vietnam 2008. Maybe it should have been the first one for it summarizes the whole trip, but it just didn't happen that way.

VN

One year is very short. Two years may seem long, but are also so short. Three years are a piece.
I just need one.

There are days I want to be alone. But it's not possible. For the long weekend, on Saturday morning, I received a phone call from cousins to pay a visit to family in Ottawa. Last time I went there, I was probably 8-9 years old for the Tulips. And hey, I planned to stay home the whole weekend.

It's tiring to have to fit in, to please and be nice. I'd rather have to assume my choices, by acknowledging them publicly, than to behave accordingly to conform to others' appraisals...But hey, the girl has always taking pleasure at those rebelious acts and behaving opposite to what everyone wants her to do.

Nursing in Switzerland, I'm hoping for a change of perspective and acquire new practical learning. I'm so disappointed that I can't go next year. For 2010, my lil cousin is considering having her hotel training in Switzerland and my dear Miji is also considering work in Switzerland if she is not admitted into the music program. Damn. It.

The question I'd want to ask then, "How was your one year?"

Officially Pervert Doc

This is more than wrong. It's completely unethical. For the past year, I've done what I could to not have to deal with my pervert microbiologist. With his comments thrown here and there, his intentions were obvious. Even my teacher nurse knows about it. Everyone notices that he's behaving inappropriately with certain people. Anyways, due to this issue of mine that comes and goes, but that I've been 'treating' it on my own whenever it occured, I haven't needed his prescriptions, until what happened this weekend. It wasn't a need when I was discussing it. Everytime he comes on my unit and I happen to be there, he'd ask how I am doing, then goes on with why my 'thing' is incurable. Therefore, he decides to do a check-up. The following day, he appears on the unit, claiming that he went to the lab to take a look at the petri glass himself. WHAT? (You could have waited for the result to be out, I'm in no hurry, no pain, no nothing.) A while ago, he even asks about my whereabouts from my friend on another unit. He comments on how, "c'est tout dans le regard". "Quel regard?" I asked to which he didn't want to respond. Today, since I'm home, he gave me a phone call to talk about the antibotics and my future treatment (to which I don't think I need as of now.) In the middle of the medical conversation, he throws, "j'aimerais ça te voir, mais ce serait un conflit d'intérêt. (DISGUSTING) [...] Parce que je suis ton medecin traitant, je ne peux pas te regarder comme il faut." WHAT THE FUCK? --> that came to my head, so I just didn't reply to this and went back to the initial subject. Before hanging up he says, "je vois que tu as changé de sujet, tu es habile. C'est correct." I hurried some 'byes' before hanging up as I was freaking out!!!

I immediately dialed to a nurse-friend, I needed to talk about this!!! Seriously, he's scaring me, even if it stays at a verbal level. I hope he understood I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with him. The doctor/patient relationship will stop from now on too. Whatever prescriptions he'll set out, they won't be taken in consideration. Geez! Why this kind of situation likes to stick to me? Out of all the patients, out of all the doctors, out of all the driving teachers, why, but oh god, why me? (I look like crap at work and I make sure just to wear pants on driving classes.) Is it because I seem so weak and vulnerable so they think I'm an easy prey? Is it because they think no one will know? Sometimes, I just think I'm over sensible, but sometimes, it's just too obvious to miss. Then, I had to reach my teacher nurse at the hospital to talk to her about this situation. She supports that if I need help, she can talk it out with the doc for me. I can't think right as of now, cuz I'm even scared being home by myself. I feel like he'll pop out of nowhere!!! Damn him, he's old, ugly, and has a wife with kids!!! For god' sake, respect your family, yourself, and others. Instead of changing subject, maybe I should have told him straight that "out of all due respect, I don't appreciate this kind of behavior from you." As if I don't have enough problems like this...

p.s. Virus love Facebook, so beware of applications.

Another Beginning

So I heard, "The thing about new beginnings is that they require something else to end..."

It makes sense. It happens to others. But it has been a while since I witnessed a concrete conclusion. My situations likes to unfold themselves into worse case scenarios. Why is it that when you try to look for an answer, you don't exactly get a lie, but a simple reply to cover up the truth behind it? Isn't it just worse? Isn't that how doubt takes place? Anyways, it's just that sometimes, I'd really make use of an ending... Sometimes, endings can be more interesting than the beginnings. Some people just go 'pouff' and disappear out of your life. Then, you'd wonder why or how.

School started with news of a girl in my nursing program who died from a car accident. She was taken off from life support the day prior to debut. It is a shame for her to die like this. Nevertheless, for a moment, the thought of exchanging place with her flew through me. You see, what's scary isn't the car accident itself. After all, she became brain dead and is thus unaware of her situation. If it was to happen, I'd rather choose that than having to cope with the lost of an organ or limb or personality. Consequences are more difficult to bear when you have to assume them.

This world of pretend is tiresome. There were weeks that I had plans every evening just not to have to bump into my family members. As far as I remember, there are always moments with hatred within the whole big family. When I needed protection, I didn't hear what I would have wanted to. When I haven't asked for any opinion, suddenly, barriers are popping out to surround me.

The idea of a family isn't this. This... isn't what I want for family. Truthfully, it's not about anyone. It's just me. I resent myself for destroying the idea of what relationships are supposed to be like, all those values and ideals are gone. It is a redundant mess. I think I hate myself. Someone else wouldn't have let those situations exist. It'd have been ok, if someone was at least genuinely happy.

But I wanted to do something to change, not only being all about talks. Few weeks ago, I subscribed to a nursing agency to Switzerland...

"Some endings take a long time to reveal themselves, but when they do they're almost too easy to ignore...
Some beginnings start so quietly you don't even notice they're happening.
But most endings come when you least expect them. And what they portend is darker than you've ever imagined."

500cc de sang plus tard

C'est beaux les vacances... quand ils me permettent de dormir après minuit et de me reveiller à 10h00. Donc après avoir passé la journée à tenter de lire mes notes, ce dont je n'ai pas vraiment réussi étant préoccupée par des détails ridicules sans but réel...Bon, le jour que je serais assez forte pour laisser les ennuis de la vie de côté et de me concentrer sur ce qui est vrai, je pense que je pourrais faire partie des recrues de Bouddha. Quand la fille en a assez, (oui, ça lui arrive) elle ne veut plus rien savoir de personne.

Le temps venu, je suis allée à ma séance de physiothérapie. Elles me coûtent un bras, mais enfin, je sens la différence et je n'espère plus que mon sacroiliaque droite va rester en place pour de bon. Étant donné que presque personne ne m'a rejoint durant la journée et que je reviendrai bientôt, j'ai quitté sans mon meilleur ami fatiguant. Pour rejoindre la clinique au Centre Claude-Robillard, il fallait que je traverse Héma-Québec qui récolte du sang. Yay! J'ai mangé avant de partir alors tentons ma chance après ma séance de physio.

La première étape : il faut que je passe le test d'hémoglobine (Hb). Depuis mes 18 ans, j'ai fait la file quatre fois, mais la moitié du temps, j'ai été refusé, étant donné que mon Hb donnait inférieur à 120. La norme est de 120-160 hommes et femmes confondus. J'ai obtenu 127. Youpi!

La deuxième étape: le centre sportif est climatisé et je n'ai donc pas chaud, frilleuse comme je suis. En attendant mon tour, je cherche mes veines, mais en vain. C'est à peine si je les sens, alors les voir est un problème. Si vous me connaissez assez, mes veines fuient quand j'ai froid. Effectivement, l'infirmière m'a affirmé que la grosse veine est du même calibre que l'aiguille géante que je n'ose même pas regarder. Attendez, cela ne fait pas de sens...

Inf: " Pense pas qu'on ne va pas remplir le sac avec ta veine. Bon bouge pas, je suis dedans." YAY!!!! J'espère que ça va tenir...

La troisième étape: OH là là, je me sens bizarre, mais c'est du connu. Endure, cela va aller. C'est fini, on m'amène vers un banc pour m'allonger. J'émet un gros soupir ne me sentant pas super, mais c'est normal, on vient de m'enlever plus de 500ml de sang. Une inf passe pas là et me demande avec un ton inquiet, "est ce que ça va?" Je la regarde en fonçant des sourcils et je lui répond avec mon plus gros sourire, "oui ça va, pourquoi?" Quelques minutes plus tard, une autre inf me redemande la même question pour laquelle je lui relance la même réponse de la même manière. Cette fois-ci, je demande à ma bénévole de garde si j'ai une face pâle ou quelque chose. Elle dénit, alors je me lève pour prendre une collation.

La quatrième étape: Un peu plus que deux heures plus tard, il faut que je me ramène à la maison. Je me dirige lentement chez moi et me dis comment on est bien avec les sapins (?), le vent et sans mon cellulaire, c'est juste la paix. Arrivée chez moi, oh là, je ne me sens pas mieux, j'ai la nausée et je me regarde donc dans le mirror. Crime, je dois faire peur, je suis blanche comme mon mur. C'est à peine si je peux me tirer jusqu'à la douche, je sens mon coeur battre. Physiologiquement normal, le manque de sang diminue la pression artérielle, alors le coeur doit compenser en battant plus rapidement, mais quand je sens mon coeur battre comme si j'avais trop bu d'alcool trop vite, j'ai le goût de gerber.

Avec la BA de l'année, ça aidera 2-3 personnes...m'a juste enduré. Ça va passer. Si tous les soucis pouvaient disparaître si facilement... En passant, j'ai juste manqué 2 appels et 3 sms. Eh bien, la vie sans cellulaire, comment serais-tu? Sûrement mieux.

Seriously, sometimes, I wonder what the hell am I doing? If it was really just about blood donation...

Conversation Between Us

Since when did the conversation between us became this awkward silent? Why did it happen? Because I have wanted to mend it, I have stepped forward on my own. I have tried, but all I could get is nothing more than this. Tiresome confusion haunts me over and over again. Is it because Honesty had gone and left behind two empty people? In the end, if you don't want to drop it, by choosing to hang on, you have to let it be, right? But for how long can it stay that way, I wonder? You tell me.

Relationships among human beings are probably something I would never be able grasp the essence of it. A new bond between two strangers can blossom today to become good friends tomorrow. Conversations between them are so naturally easy. They can share anything without worrying about being upset by the other one's answer nor worrying about being disrespectful. They would not lament nor become bored. They do not know of the inexplicable silence. They exist to take care of each other. Happiness in their conversations can last very well regardless of Time.

Meanwhile, you can nurse a precious relationship born yesterday, but just because the other person does not want to or just somehow, it has withered and would not grow again. Some people would just very well continue to pour in effort endlessly, trying to maintain what is left of the broken gem. On the other hand, what makes people choose to finally give up and step into something new?

There are these conversations between us. And there are those conversations between you and her. Yet, both are what I used to know of. But today, I am searching for those conversations between us. Envious of whom, you say?

The Ugly Truth About Health

La jambe droite a fait trop mal, l'endurer pendant trois ans, je pense que ça suffit. Alors depuis deux semaines, je visite une physiothérapeute privée. Oh que ça coûte cher, mais en autant qu'elle me remet le sacro-illiaque en place. Alors voilà, ce n'était pas qu'une douleur psychoesomatique, j'ai l'articulation qui relie à la hanche un peu déplacée, alors ça fait mal au genou et à la cheville. Selon elle, j'ai une petite rotule, mais je n'y peux rien, il faut vivre avec comme ben d'autres choses d'ailleurs. Elle m'a aussi bandés les deux pieds, évidemment pas ensembles comme certains le croiraient, pour donner la même sensation que de porter une orthèse. La raison étant que je marche sans arc...c'est peut-être pourquoi je traine dans mes pantouffles. Quand j'ai tenté de monter les escaliers les pieds tapés, j'ai échappé mes pantouffles sur les marches et failli les débouler. Bon d'accord, continuons la montée avec les pantouffles en arrière, je les ramasserai bien sur le chemin de la descente. Le petit 'hic' de la thérapie c'est une douleur auparavant inexistante au même niveau du dos, mais à gauche! Sapristi, je me sens pas à peu près comme une grand-mère à ces moments-ci, surtout que j'ai déjà de la misère à bouger une 'mamie' (un terme que les Français aiment bien utiliser j'en ai eu l'impression) ayant deux fois mon poids.

Je pense bien que je passe trop de temps auprès d'eux, après un bout, je finis par dire des trucs bizarres...quoiqu'on passe notre temps à dire 'quoi?', parce qu'on ne comprend pas la moitié des expressions de l'autre... Ils ont un chat énorme! J'suis même pas arrivée à le soulever pour le mettre sur mes genoux, on dirait une pyramide ambulante, mais il a une tête tellement innocent et perdu, que son ventre pendant est pardonné.

Drame au travail, 12 patients en attente de se faire opérer la semaine dernìère, plaintes après plaintes...codes bleus quaisiment à chaque semaine, tellement de décès qu'il ne restait plus que 2-3 places à la morgue et des étudiants de soins à bdeb en formation continue aussi incompétents que leur prof que je n'ai jamais vu avant.

!ere impression: Il y avait un code bleu, un patient d'une candidate infrimière. Elle n'a pas le droit de prendre les ordonnances verbaux, il faut une inf dans la chambre. De loin, je vois une étudiante qui traine dans cette chambre, mais que fait-elle là? Elle doit sortir de là! Il paraît donc que c'est la prof qui leur dise d'aller voir comment un patient peut décompenser vite. Oh, ça va, il y a déjà des résidents de partout qui débarquent juste pour observer, mais ils doivent être plus utiles que toi; j'avais le goût de faire la remarque.

2eme impression: Je n'avais pas grands soins avec mes 5 patients et cela faisait déjà 5 jours que je les avais. J'ai donc dit à la prof que je pouvais prendre 1 étudiant avec moi et le suivre pour ses soins. 10h30, il vient de finir de passer ses médicaments...j'aurais fini il y a 1h... mais c'est pas grave, j'ai toute ma journée. Là, quand je lui demande pourquoi il donne tel médicament, et que dans le dernier 30 min, ça fait 3 fois que je pose la question pour le même médicament et qu'il doit le chercher à chaque fois, mais alors, où est passé ta mémoire? Sauf que, je lui répond que, 'ce n'est pas grave, ca viendra'. Ce qui est vrai. Quelques grosses minutes après, j'apprend que j'ai une prise de sang à faire sur un patient facile à piquer. Il essaye avec sa prof, quatre tentatives plus tard, ils arrivent pour me dire qu'ils n'ont pas été capable. D'accord, j'essaye une fois et le tube est plein. J'ai oublié ce qui s'est passé le reste de la journée, mais je pense que ça suffit.

1ère confirmation: Pour des étudiants qui font 'tout', ça fait durs. J'arrive de mon dîner, j'apperçois un étudiant habillé en civil dans la chambre d'une de mes patients, qui me dit qu'il a fermé le débit de mon soluté. Hey mon grand, t'es qui toi pour toucher à mes trucs? As-tu irrigué avec l'héparine rinse (un anticoagulant pour éviter qu'un caillot se forme et bloque la voie)? As-tu remarqué que c'était une voie qui va directement dans le coeur? En plus, il y a déjà de la résistance, cette voie est presque perdue! Quand je lui en parle, il me répond, "je ne le savais pas". Je me suis dis que c'était chiant d'en parler à son prof, mais une collègue m'a convaincue que c'était nécessaire: ce étudiant est dangereux, puisque la prof me le confirme par la suite.

2ème confirmation: 1 semaine plus tard, je suis de retour au travail et j'annonce à la prof que j'ai besoin d'installer un cathéter périphérique et lui propose qu'un étudiant le fasse pour qu'il se pratique. Elle me dit qu'il n'y a pas de problème, ils n'ont rien à faire. Il était 9h45. À 10h15, je les vois se préparer à prendre leur pause, ce dont nous n'avons pas réellement le temps de connaître. J'explique à la prof que j'ai besoin de ma voie avant 11h00 car le patient a un antiotique IV. 11h15, j'arrive avec mon antibio dans les mains tranquillement, la voie n'est même pas mise, ils sont en train de raser le bras de mon patient! 11h30, ils arrivent pour s'excuser, ils n'ont pas réussi après 4 tentatives même avec l'aide de la prof. Quoi?!?!?!? Mon patient a peur des aiguilles, il en perd connaissance. Les hommes qui ont peur des aiguilles, ça me fait rire. Trop chou. Bon, je pensais qu'il était réellement difficile à piquer et quelqu'un était venu le chercher pour passer un scan, alors j'attrape une inf pour l'installer à ma place. La veine bondissait hors de la peau! Mais à quel point sont-ils incompétents?

3ème confirmation: Au rapport le matin, j'apprend que ce n'est pas seulement mon opinion. J'ai même demandé à une inf si j'étais aussi pourrie à mon temps, parce qu'en fin de compte, on vient de la même école. Elle me déconfirme. On confirme que si c'est pour avoir ces étudiants comme infirmiers, on préfère s'ouvrir une veine soi-même. Ce n'était pas sur mon dos, mais pour oublier de prendre les signes vitaux, de prendre la glycémie, de donner certains médicaments, on se demande où est-ce que étudiant avait la tête toute la journée... Aujourd'hui, c'était bien silencieux sans eux. Pourtant, j'aime bien enseigner. Seulement, quand ils ne savent pas se servir de leur tête ainsi que de rentrer la routine dans le corps, j'en désespère.

Après la job, je suis passée au HMV pour voir s'il y a des séries en vente...déception, si ce n'est pas à 60$, les nouvelles séries comme Grey's Anatomy 5th season sortent dans 2 mois...Plus rien d'intéressant à regarder pour m'endormir. Depuis un bout, j'aime bien prendre un thé, même à la chaleur, mais ça m'empêche de comater avant minuit. Ben oui, c'est quoi l'idée, thé vert avec caféine? Et je n'ai même pas vu ça écrit sur la boîte. >.< Oh, les sièges de cinéma au AMC Forum sont trop cool!!! Pour quelques dollars de plus, c'est rare que la salle est pleine alors hop, je lève 3 bras de sièges et je m'allonge sur la vraie chair humaine (parce que une épaule, ce n'est pas aussi confortable à la longue) pour siester pendant un film trop long et plate de Johnny Depp.

Pocket Full of Sunshine

As I am starring at the screen, words are being typed down one by one and the next I know, the page goes blank again and again, words are being erased, for I cannot choose what to share. I am so perplex by how so many events can happen within such a short period of time. Then, I would wish it was not me, that everything could be simpler. I used to enjoy writing a lot, black ink on white paper, for I suppose it is my favorite way to express, but since a few weeks ago, that somehow got interrupted.

I hate how as time passes, as you grow older, you don't learn how pretty this world is. Instead, you are being reminded that you cannot trust anyone but yourself; something I still cannot grasp. I just cannot do it that way. Some people are just too close, you would have never thought betrayal can happen, but it did... long, long ago, or it was just me, who does not know when to beware, if I ever do so. This is how hatred and resentment started to build up. Incredibly disrespectful insults, endless critics, going berserk, tears rushing down, hyperventilation, exhaustion at nights, I wonder, what harm have I done to deserve these? After all, even if I was not the one shooting the arrows towards myself, I am the one holding the bow that they are resting on. Just let me be, let me assume. Regardless of the situation, it does not give any reason for privacy invasion. These do not excuse the labels you used nor give ways to what occurred.

As a result, should I just fight back or fly away? Some may not agree, but I chose to stay. Oftentimes, I amaze people with the tolerance I can display. Just like an elastic, the more you stretch it, the more it is going hurt you when it decides to bounce back on you. The day it can fight back, it would have grown stronger.

On days that I would suddenly feel at lost and sad, I would sometimes ponder about work exchange in Swiss. I would imagine a better routine, away from what I don't get here. If it is not because I am under few contracts here, I would have probably signed it. Just one year, it should be enough. However, it is not going to happen, that is reality. In the end, things can get simpler, but who can guarantee it will be better? Issues are still right here.

Those people who had hurt you, they can very well hurt you just the same once again. Because we don't learn and even if we regret, we don't change. But sometimes, some actions make some situations change... therefore, they make people wish they understood how great it used to be. Once trust ties between certain people or certain relationships are broken, they cannot be sewed back. But whatever the choice I make, there is no miracle, no such thing as happiness guarantee...and nobody said it is easy.

Conclusion, I choose to not explain my ruthless behavior, certainly not toward the multiple personalities disorder of yours. Ironically, I don't feel better by responding like this. But, the bird is crushed. It is too late, some words in some situations cannot be taken back.

(lol...The title got chosen for its song lyrics representation of this specific post only.)

Human Furnitures

In the name of July 1st, the 'official' day for moving home. Why is it set that way? Don't ask me why they have to be naked.

Walking to Toronto

It's kind of a miracle that all of us made it for the trip, right? It was Jade's first time in Toronto. Although it isn't my ideal place for vacations, but it was great being with friends again. Guess what? Time matters and it is magic. Once again, time has proven that it can heal. When the right moment comes, some grudges disappear on its own. In fact, it happened some time before the trip. Somehow, in the end, friends always come back together.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the Feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love asked Richness for help. Richness answered, "No, I can't...There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked Sadness for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Love, realizing how much he owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Do you know who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Trees Days to Abestos

It was mostly cloudy and the possibility of rain was too high for horseback riding and canoe, so we didn't get to do any. As soon as we started packing to go back to the city, the sky was perfect blue. Anyways, it was still the fresh air, green and blue all over the places.

- Got my first camp fire ever. Umm... I really like that scent.
- I drove people who drank too much, yet not drunk enough to not be able to supervise me, to a bar.
- Create the first traffic jam ever by parking in the dark (now with my friend's dad's car). He thought it was funny that I started laughing instead of freaking out...mehh...
- Saw the Abestos mine twice, after walking 45 min to go (twice) and 45 to come back (twice).
- Had my first raclette ever, not that good actually or not used to it yet.
- Ate, digest, sleep late: repeat again x times.
- Went to a cheese festival (without cheese 'cuz we arrived 1h earlier), ending up with a medium ice cream as huge as my hand on my sweater and my friend had cheese juice leaking on her.
- Overall, had some relaxing time away from internet and my phone.



And I knew it was going to happen. The friend, who says "don't ditch me at the last minute", told me she cannot go on the trip anymore because she can't take those days off. Just great, you know? lol.

Feeling Good?

My five weeks nightmare is finally over. Yeah, the training sucks as a whole, but at least, it's done and I'd probably get a good mark out of it. As you may know, I initially had traveling non-plans that turned out to be a flop. With friend_A we were supposed to go Saguenay, but due to schedules conflicts, that didn't work out. Friend_A is leaving tomorrow to Saguenay for a week as I grin with envy. As stubborn as I could be, I didn't want to waste my vacation week staying in MTL and doing nothing.

Therefore, I've suggested to my elder cousin driving us to visit her little sister who is training 8h away MTL, but she can't leave her children (hospital-kitchen-employees who are cats fighting everyday). Still not giving up, I went on a friend hunting trip to look for someone who'd want to go on bus tour to Gaspésie/Lac St-Jean with me. This is how I found friend_B who doesn't like 'asian' bus tours trip. In the end, we chose to forget about it because that agency has other fees attached to the plans. Sucking bad to go somewhere 'near' the city that cost half the price of 'down to South' whole week trip.

None of my plans were working out, so I figure, I'd just stay in MTL to work...then, that's how I stumbled on friend_C whom I met few years ago, but we didn't get any occasion to keep contacts. At first, friend_C agreed on the bus tours, however we settled to go Magog. I've never been there and I know it's pretty. I really don't mind the closeness of it to MTL as it'd be cheaper. Plus, my initial plans were to enjoy Québec's nature gift and to spend some time away from the rush of the city or my life as a whole. Oh maybe there's a problem or not: none of my close friends or family has ever met friend_C. Another friend even asked if I'm sure to stay at a stranger's house. I'd have to admit that within those 3 years, all our conversations added together don't last more than 10h. At this point, I guess I'm too desperate to leave that I don't care for the risk I'm taking, not that I'm even afraid. After all, I got to get away from this uptight routine and meet new people.

Oh, got a gift card to Spa Eastman for late bday so my cousin and I dropped by earlier today. Timing was right; I finally got those tense muscles to relaxe, but also got a body exfoliation. Right now, skin has never been that soft. It reminds me that the ortho-spine resident said, "you might have a small disk hernia that's why you feel pain down the whole leg". "Beside my work, I didn't do anything to break my back," I replied. "But you're petite," he argued. "Okay," that's how I agreed to show up next wednesday at MGH because he said he'd do a physical assessment in-between two patients. All right, all those plans are pretty good, but I should start with stopping to fall asleep before 23h00 and waking before 8h00...that's so granny-like.

Failed. Good Night.

Millenium: The Movie

While having hasty lunch with my cousin, I suggested to go to movies after our hospital hours to relax after all the hardship we've been going through. Well, it is mostly her, as two weeks ago, she managed to finally let go of her seven years of relationship. Then, I really doubt they will go back together again due to all the hatred they're holding towards each other now. Ah, finally, she doesn't want to keep the Wii, so I'm broke and stuck with it, not even having time to play with it...it is a boring thing, to hit the Wii alone. I'm so broke, but even paid for her car gas 'cuz the girl forgot her wallet in her mom's purse, yet we still wanted to have fun: dining out and movie. =D

Anyways, so we chose to go watch Millenium although neither of us had read the book. It wasn't the most relaxing movie ever, but a very clever storyline. My personal negative point is that the whole movie is about rape. I'm personally sensitive towards that. During the first 'official' rape scene, I had to get up because nausea was catching up (might be because I chow down the dinner within 15min and we were sitting too close to the screen). Those scenes of Lisbeth being forced on oral sex and then the next one, we saw her tied down and being raped...I just had to leave. It somehow triggers back certain memories one had wished to forget (not that exact same situation had happened to me). The main crime is just about rapes, those killers without remorse, raping and murdering for the joy of it, not having mercy on his own daugheter and sister.

Seriously, what's wrong with people? They're not even human. I just felt the same way when I saw the movie Taken, although it wasn't as intense since the movie was so boring, but hey, human traffic for sex? What if that girl was your mother or your daughter? I know very well that this kind of situation exists and hell of a scary thing to travel alone =( Honestly, I can't comprehend sexual relationships without respect and consent. I probably will never understand the reason behind that. (We once had a raped patient on the unit, I didn't dare to go see her. Apparently, the man (a friend) beated her up so bad she's unrecognizable. Coworkers say that it is obvious he wanted her to die.)

Nevertheless, I'm interested into reading the second and third book as I want to learn more about Lisbeth...I'll probably take the Renaud-Bray gift card that I got on Sat for my late bday to buy the book, hoping, it isn't seriously about rape. The sex scenes were too real for me to think that they were only pretending. But it felt so good to witness a woman who can protect herself like she did : sticking the fake penis into his ass and tatooing him...well, not every woman can do this, right? In most movies and reality, either women endure it, leave, or end up murdering the person. And God knows that death is not the best revenge.

Men Bitches

As you may know, I entered the training one week later and there were already established teams for two different research subjects. I chose the Trauma Brain Injury project one, because I met its team member first. Bad choice, I thought for these past weeks. At first, I thought it would be more relax with 2 guys and 1 one girls. Geez, I've encountered what I now call 'Men Bitches'. They are not bastards...and not jerk enough for me to label them this way. However, they complain every morning about the same thing like no tomorrow. Hey, we're not happier than you guys to be here, but please, just do your job and shut the hell up. I, too, thought that it was forever over to give baths or to pick up poops...but no, we have to do that all over again. One of them keep on saying how exhausted and pissed he is cuz he had just worked 44 hours within 3-4 days. I used to just nod, but it's annoying to always hear the same complains, so I asked him, even if I already knew the answer, "well, why do you have to work so much?" "I had to exchange some days to have my vacation days later." "Ok...so that was your choice, got to live with it." The other guy just follow the previous guy ideas. I have nothing against them knowing each other beforehand or even working together in the same hospital, but geez, be a man and have a backbone. I can't stand men without a backbone...no matter how candy looking they are.

On almost top of this, our research project is not making big steps enough and the teacher always has new ideas that she wants us to add into our project. My girl partner and I think that it is just pure time losing to meet up every Thursday's morning, for all the guys have to say is, "let's split the project into parts." Well, that can be done at home. They do everything else beside advancing into the writing project. We don't need a PowerPoint now, that can be done at the end. Hell no, they need to do that now. PP is easy...I can do that at 3am if I have the content. Why not build its content first?

Apparently, the teacher had told them that we don't have to bulid a questionnaire...but in the end, the same teacher has requested us to. Then, one of the guys had asked the McGill research responsible woman to distribute the questionaire on the unit for us to which she had agreed to do, because we are on the unit only two days per week, which is more than enough to hang us upside down. Today, I received a call from my teacher starting with, "I got a call from the hospital to call me back. What did you ask Lisa ( research woman) to do?" That creep me out for two seconds. I thought I forgot to do something before leaving. Well, I call to my guy partner back, and that Lisa told our teacher that she feels very disappointed, because we had dared to ask Lisa such a thing. Geez, why the hell did you accept to do it then? What's with this backstabbing issue? You could have said no, we didn't ask you to build the questionaire for us. Those are real bitches.

Have you notice how frustration can make me cursey these days? On the cherry top of these, my to the St-Jean trip is cancelled, because my vacation week and my friend's don't match... Remember how I said I need to get away? Well, I'm very very serious about it. I have a feeling that my august vacation will also be a flop, because even if Kim works 9h per day for the last year, she never has money. Hopefully, my other friend can make it.... Oh god. Anywhere away from the city, I'd be happy with only 4-5 days. It is a good thing we are contracted to 7 days of work per 15 days so we can always manage to have one week off out of nowhere.

All right, those guys aren't that bitchey. Once he knew I was upset with the homework related to stage, he tried to give me a hand. Outside of the work world, they would have made good friends.

Black Letters

Aaahhh!!! >.< I got an email this evening to check if I can still do my summer tranining nevertheless. Now, I'm stuck. If the commitee says yes, I can't say no after all the effort they went through. Mind you, if I ever come to the training, I'll be one week behind on six, lol. On the other hand, I was schedule to work on Tuesday morning. What the fuck? Let's rewind. Due to the changes to my school schedules, I had spent one whole day dialing phone numbers and sending off emails to cancel or re-activate many many projects I have. I also have two jobs to deal with, meaning building schedules to my liking...geez!

Anyways, so when I called the hospital to cancel on Tuesday (let's not be too mean, they need time to find someone to replace me), she announces that I will much probably have to train assistant nurse. You're kidding me right? Did you see how many days I've worked for the past year? Still funny, because I was actually expecting this. All right, I expected to train students or externs....not the unlicensed nurses or assistant nurses...they'll be best stepping over my dead body. It's not fun to be holding that little piece of license that give you rights and responsibilities, because...I'm scared >.<
I'll just go dig a hole and hide my head inside. Yep yep...butt sticking out like an ostrich. I don't want to be a swallow that can fly anymore................................

After all, I was all happy this week. Those letters destroyed my happy-go-lucky mood! Boo!

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

You Are Exotic and Mystifying

People see you as a complete enigma, and only you truly understand who you are. You spend most of your time introspecting and seeking truth. You're a very interesting person... but not many people know you enough to realize it. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life. You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone. Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

Usually, the "what's the meaning of your name" sucks, they never give accurate definition. This one is not that bad...beside the "agressive, authoritative, strong, Type A, selfish...etc."

Love Land Park

[R-18] =P

Notice the handles?

Incredible to find these in a public park, right? Well... they are actually made by different Korean artists from Korea and the park is in Chesu island...such a tourist attraction.

Lesson #2: Knowing

The preview of the movie Knowing with Nicolas Cage appeared to be very interesting. However, it turned out to be a scary/science-fiction movie and a "the end is only a new beginning" theme. When I got out of the movie theaters, my heart couldn't stop racing... which went on until I went to be. Such a stressor I didn't need, urgh.

I thought it was only Autumn that makes people become grey and blue; I didn't know Spring has that ability too... or is it Summer?

Can you tell how a person feels by judging her appearance? What if she's just pretending? What if she maintains her calm and gentle voice when she speaks with you? What if she still presents herself with a smile? Would you be able to tell...that when she's scared to fall asleep at night, it's because she's scared that her nightmares would come true? That she has a hard time to fall asleep without sounds? Would you be able to tell that she feels obsessed...with the same thoughts running around in her minds, those thoughts that wouldn't leave?

And if you knew all that...would you say she's just a crazy person? If you knew all of these, would you understand why so she wants to be gone so much? Would you get why she doesn't want to be who she is? Would you understand...how great it is if memories could be erased?

You probably know that wondering is by far far worse than knowing? But do you know...that expecting the end can hurt more than starting over again with an unexpected ending?

Little did she know, she's already an adult and like anyone, there are responsibilities to be taken care of. If she knew that growing meant so much pain...if she could have chosen, she'd have stayed like stardust...without worries, without thoughts and feelings, and so free. She wouldn't have to belong.

Ambivalence...there are always two potential choices...and you never know what to choose until the very last minute. No more summer stage, I'm tired of schooling. I'll take things slow and smooth from now on, learning to walk again...making each step with my own pace. It will take more time, but I will eventually reach the finish line...It just feels so much better...so peaceful. I'm relieved...until it starts again.

Voyage Voyage

Have you heard that song on the radio? I hate songs that have the same words on repeat, but my cousins keep playing this thing in the car, it just ends up in the head.



I like this bedroom...everything in it. That's a good green for the walls, just enough wood, a fine amount of white (maybe a tad bit too much, still ok). Mijanou and I were looking at apartments. God knows how hard it is to concede between price, emplacement (near metro, not too far from each other hospitals), quality of the house...Then, we magically lend on this as we cried out of joy and sorrow...because we can't move out NOW! It's around 7xx and I forgot where it is, must be Rosement East or CDN.

Patrimonial house, wood and white...perfect!

A bedroom

Small kitchen, is there a counter anywhere else?

Awww...I love this bathroom, so new and clean, even if it's a bit small.

It's so so sad! Now, back on the real trip thing. What are the plans for my real vacations this summer?
Let's rewind to a year ago or so... Monika wanted us to go on a winter holidays trip to the US, but that obviously failed. Then, she wanted to go to US for summer vacation. We have different jobs, with different availability and everyone is kinda pockets empty, so she settled for a trip to Toronto. I'm not a big fan of TO, but even if I've never went to NYC, I'd rather choose TO. I've always hated crowded places...I hate those big, crowded, modern cities. Plus, I'm a car-sick girl...Anyways, seven of them have to accommodate for my schedule, so yeah, why not? That should be 3 days gone, with Momo and her girl friend (who wants absolutely to be in the same car with Nancy (parce que Nancy fait rire...oh la la) ) and two of Momo's guy friends driving another car.

What would I do with the other days left? I've been spending more time with a friend these days, just to escape from others. My friend had proposed for camping, but with only two people, that ain't fun. Our common friends hate camping. I've never tried that, so I really really want to. Then, the same friend proposed a trip to Lac St-Jean and Chicoutimi! Yayness!!! My parents obviously don't know much about what our nature has to offer, so I never got the chance to explore Quebec. I'm not a big fan of museums and cities-like stuff when I'm on vacations. I'd rather go bicycle by the lake with fresh air, enjoyingthe great blue sky and green trees. Let's not forget all the animals I can meet on my way. Also, we might go horsing! Something I've never tried before! Oh...that's going to be love. (except the car sick part...)

The last but not the least, I've managed to snatch an extra week off from the hospital right in August (thanks to the senior who retired). I've also never went to the Cuba/Cancun or anything similar. With another friend, we wanted to go there together a long time ago too, then obviously, money is always a problem... Therefore, I proposed the idea to my family, but my lil cousin will be gone to a training for four months and her elder sister just got an administrative work at the hospitals, so she will very much probably not get the same week as I did. Ah...you don't know how upset I became. I really really really want to go, but it seems like God is not able to gift me with someone to tag along! >.< So...until then, I'll just pray that I can get a friend to enjoy the beach with me.

Lesson #1 : Letting Go

You have probably heard this saying :

If you love someone, let them go….
If they come back to you, they're yours
If they don't, it was never meant to be.
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he ever comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, as expected, he never was.

Shakespeare:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he ever comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, here's the poison, suicide
yourself for him.

Bill Gates:
If you love someone,Set them free,
If they come back, I think we can charge them for re-installation fees
but tell them that they’re also going to get an upgrade.

Actuary:
If you love someone, Set them free,
If they love you, the probability of them coming back is high
If they don’t, the distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
Don't worry, he will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he ever comes back, ask him why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he doesn't comes back within some time
forget him.

Patient:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he doesn't come back,
Continue to wait until he comes back...

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
*If he comes back, and if you love him
still,
Set him free again,
repeat*


Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set him free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be
free!!

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set him free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Act clearly states that....

Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set him free,
he'll evolve.

Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set him free,
HE'LL BE BACK!

Buddhist:
If you love someone, show them the way.
When they come back, they will have no memory of you what-so-ever.

Realist: If you love someone
WHY SET THEM FREE IN THE FIRST PLACE???????

Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he ever comes back, deal!
If he doesn't, so what! "NEXT".

Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show him the plan...
If he ever comes back, sign him up,
If he doesn't, keep follow up with him and
never give up!

Physics expert:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If he doesn't, either there's friction higher
than the force or the angle of collision between two
objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If he doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos
(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the
infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone,
Set him free,
If he Comes Back, he is Yours
If he Doesn't, Hunt Down and Kill him...!!!
Or perhaps report to immigration
That she/he is an illegal immigrant...

_____________


I'm forfeiting.
Yes, on one of my entry few months earlier, I did say I don't want to give up. Now, I'm giving up on trying. I used to think I had reasons, or at least one, to complete my degree within 2 years, but it was all in my head. Maybe the reasons are still there, but I can't see them anymore, or maybe they are just not worth it anymore. Along the way, I got convinced by others...that I still have lot and lot of time left...Well, do I really?

Result #1: Failed
The person who's responsible of the nursing program refused my demand to switch part-time. She wants me to wait...Wait for what? Until I hit the wall so hard that I wouldn't be able to turn back anymore? Yes, I've tried that before...To go so far that beside hurting, I'm left empty-handed...with no solution left...but to step even closer to the edge.

I'm known to not be efficient at juggling both work and school. My marks had always drop bad until I quit the job, regardless of my almost zero social life. Up to this point, I cannot not work, unless I resign from the hospital... I said that before. It's not because you've put *that* amount of effort, that you'd get what you wish for. I'm like a little white ball on this casino table that keeps on spinning, waiting for luck to land somewhere. Now, it's tired to spin. If it was just work and school, it would have been much easier to deal with.

I didn't prepare anything with anyone for my birthday because I wasn't in the mood for. Not having enough time is true, but that's mostly an excuse. Last year turned out pretty bad. Therefore, I didn't want to try harder once again; not when I don't want to try anything. You might think I gave up too quickly, don't you? It's not the first time that birthdays dinners turn out to be a flop. Someone who knows me long enough had to comfort me when I was ten, crying out of disappointment, over a messed up party. History had repeated itself over and over again, and I learned to erase them from my memories. It's not just a matter of friends. Do you really think family remembered? The family members I grew up with, I did not hear a word from them (except for the aunt I live with). I got friends who used to ask, "What? You don't get anything for New Year? Nothing on your birthday from your parents?" "Nop...too bad, so what?" It's not the material result, sometimes...a person just wishes for a 'Happy Birthday'. (Yeah ok, like it matters, huh?) It tells that you remembered, that you care enough, because she can just forget.

Birth days...are just like any other day. They can sucks as bad as yesterday or be a gift just like tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm sorry for asking my friends to cancel the reservation at a restaurant they made for me. I guess I am. On the other hand, I've told them weeks and days prior that I don't know what I want to do with the 23rd of April...because, it was far from being any of my concerns. Also, I couldn't drag my body around trying to relax when I haven't had 6h of sleep right after a 3h exam. It's possible I've even become socially retarded. Nowadays, probably from fatigue, I strike back! If you're mean to me, I can also be mean to you. o.O Wait, that's not me, right? Over the past 3 weeks, I have successfully (otherwise, I won't be hear writing this crap) crossed the street 3 times on a red light thinking it's green! My cousin is right, I don't do much beside work and school. And when I'm in this grey-dark mood like this, I like to seclude myself away from people that force me to 'talk'. I'd instinctively choose to be with only certain people I know, I can sit beside for hours...through silence. That way, it's easier for me to focus...

It comes to a point where are some cues you cannot keep on ignoring. They tell you, it's time. I had tried...tried for a very long period of time, more than I probably should have...I'm clueless. Tell me how can I try harder... because I still wish I don't have to do this. Only sometimes, there's nothing else you can do, but to make the choice of letting go.

_____________


All of this may sounds dark, but it's not that dark. Two particular stories I want to share, which are not mine.

Triangle Between Two
First of all, there's this girl my family and I know. Her mother has always been very strict. The mother forbids her from everything life can give. Along the course of her young life, she met a guy on the internet. The guy met this girl, who wasn't her. Why? She sent him a picture of her, that did not reflect her. She's asian, but gave him a blue eyes/blond hair girl picture. She literally created a character...maybe because she was not confident enough in herself, maybe she thought it would only be a game.

Who knew that the guy would fall for this girl so hard that he moved from France to Montreal..., leaving behind everything he possesed, with the only purpose to be with her. In Montreal, the girl whom this guy imagined as his love of his life was nowhere to be found. She apparently went to a student exchange and introduced her bestfriend to him...which was the real girl herself. Events escalading themselves, while her feelings were developping into strong affection, he was missing his never-met-lover. They got intertwined into a triangle relationship where there are only two people. He threatenen to end his life. He wrote unbelievable emails. He left his hometown for her...for nothing, but he also left his hometown to find peace. A person doesn't only have one problem. Family relationship wasn't doing fine over there. To escape from the mess she had created, the girl chose to go on an exchange student in Germany this summer...is it really to fly away or to be with him? In the end, he'd have to move back to his country.

Triangle Between Sisters
One day, the guy announced that he's getting hitched. With who you would ask? With the sister of his son's mother, who's also pregnant with his own baby. Many years ago, the elder sister and this man created a life together, only to leave this child hanging between two parents who no longer talk to each other. Is society supposed to condemn this kind act or just let it be? How the hell did the younger sister had sexual relationship with the father of her nephew and end up pregnant? Had sex really lost its reasons to be and became so easy? Is sex only an impulse? What do both families think of this almost incest story? What will happen to the innocent children?

Those are real life stories I've recently heard of. After reading this, you'd probably think our lives are not that bad after all, right? Oh well, that way of thinking, it will only last the time you're still on my random blabbering blog. Hee~

Be indulgent with your significant other!