Easy On The Words

A little conversation between my friend and me...and God knows it's much easier to speak than putting those words into concrete actions.

(7:24:44 PM) Friend: Wtf is happening to us.
(7:24:48 PM) Yen: [... going on about unrelated stuff as usual]
(7:26:07 PM) Yen: what's happening to us? we dont want to be alone but too scared to get involved. we're becoming cowards. and lovers of the easyness.
(7:26:56 PM) Yen: moi je pense que si tu laimes. go for it. give her a second chance mais un vrai second chance. both of you being there fully and if it breaks again.
(7:27:01 PM) Yen: then it does and that's it.
(7:27:25 PM) Yen: but at least, then you can say well i gave, i tried and we failed.
(7:27:40 PM) Yen: because there are people who dont even want to try. they already knows it's going to fail.
(7:27:53 PM) Friend: Wow yen.
(7:27:59 PM) Friend: TOtally.
(7:28:08 PM) Friend: I like your attitude.

It's a funny thing because hours later, in Grey's Anatomy, Sloan said to Callie, "You fought, you loved, you lost. Now, stand tall." Callie was a bit upset because she said, she used to be someone who could stand tall and she lost an inch when George came, then lost a few more when her lesbian girlfriend left. Grey's season 5 isn't great, very deceiving actually...until tonight. Izzie was becoming crazy and hateful character for hurting the poor faithful Alex. George'd barely have two lines per episode. Somehow the best friends forever got into a terrible fight they don't talk to each other anymore. There's absolutely no proper development.

How would that feel to stop caring for others and focus on yourself? You know, it doesn't matter how much you waste your saliva trying to convince others...nothing's gonna change. Those people who used to talk about integrity and self-respect... they probably are lacking on that too by now. I want to gain respect from people who think I'm a easy punching bag. I know I haven't done anything wrong, why do I get yelled at? All I did was asking a question. Take for instance, I wanted to get a post-op out of her bed (plus it was a medical order) but they refused to: 2 men, 2 women, adding me and another nurse assistant, and still no. No matter how much I can go to make people lives easier, some still think it's too difficult.

Sometimes, I wonder who am I fighting for? And why am I doing this? It's not just about the job...but anything. Everything. I noticed my patience going downhill. I don't tolerate attitude as much as I used to. Ouh. Major improvement, eh? Right.

It's true that there comes a point where, all you owe your friend is the truth and when that does come out, oh how does it feel better for everyone. I'm not saying that war is at bay, but I'm glad. I'm getting 'I'm at job and bored' calls from my friend again. There are some people you can bear to lose. Some it doesn't matter much, but still think about them from time to time. Some you wish they were still beside you. Some you wish you had not known. Some you don't even know if the both of you are still friends. And some you want to keep for as long as it's possible.

A little question for you...once in your life, was there someone who had this ability to make you feel like trash? And somehow, it isn't just a feeling. Maybe, you really aren't worth much. (It's the kind of thing that happens to kids with those parents who break their self-esteem by talking them down, but that wasn't my point.) It's about people who have more control in their life than kids.

Anyways, i'm finally sleepy. Better not fight it otherwise I'll not sleep before the sun rises. Which doesn't really happen...