Pocket Full of Sunshine

As I am starring at the screen, words are being typed down one by one and the next I know, the page goes blank again and again, words are being erased, for I cannot choose what to share. I am so perplex by how so many events can happen within such a short period of time. Then, I would wish it was not me, that everything could be simpler. I used to enjoy writing a lot, black ink on white paper, for I suppose it is my favorite way to express, but since a few weeks ago, that somehow got interrupted.

I hate how as time passes, as you grow older, you don't learn how pretty this world is. Instead, you are being reminded that you cannot trust anyone but yourself; something I still cannot grasp. I just cannot do it that way. Some people are just too close, you would have never thought betrayal can happen, but it did... long, long ago, or it was just me, who does not know when to beware, if I ever do so. This is how hatred and resentment started to build up. Incredibly disrespectful insults, endless critics, going berserk, tears rushing down, hyperventilation, exhaustion at nights, I wonder, what harm have I done to deserve these? After all, even if I was not the one shooting the arrows towards myself, I am the one holding the bow that they are resting on. Just let me be, let me assume. Regardless of the situation, it does not give any reason for privacy invasion. These do not excuse the labels you used nor give ways to what occurred.

As a result, should I just fight back or fly away? Some may not agree, but I chose to stay. Oftentimes, I amaze people with the tolerance I can display. Just like an elastic, the more you stretch it, the more it is going hurt you when it decides to bounce back on you. The day it can fight back, it would have grown stronger.

On days that I would suddenly feel at lost and sad, I would sometimes ponder about work exchange in Swiss. I would imagine a better routine, away from what I don't get here. If it is not because I am under few contracts here, I would have probably signed it. Just one year, it should be enough. However, it is not going to happen, that is reality. In the end, things can get simpler, but who can guarantee it will be better? Issues are still right here.

Those people who had hurt you, they can very well hurt you just the same once again. Because we don't learn and even if we regret, we don't change. But sometimes, some actions make some situations change... therefore, they make people wish they understood how great it used to be. Once trust ties between certain people or certain relationships are broken, they cannot be sewed back. But whatever the choice I make, there is no miracle, no such thing as happiness guarantee...and nobody said it is easy.

Conclusion, I choose to not explain my ruthless behavior, certainly not toward the multiple personalities disorder of yours. Ironically, I don't feel better by responding like this. But, the bird is crushed. It is too late, some words in some situations cannot be taken back.

(lol...The title got chosen for its song lyrics representation of this specific post only.)