Two Fs' thing

'Goodbye is only painful when you know you'll never say hello again.'

I may appear to be in deep thoughts, but actually, my mind is blank, because I'm just clueless.

Some may say that it's possible to stay neutral, just that it's hard to stand that way because people want you to take side. Some may see it as denial.

I don't want to stay neutral anymore. All along, my mom was just trying to protect her daughter. (I still think that for her to choose *that* moment to venge her anger isn't right.) What happened between my grandmother and her is none of my concern, but what history of my uncle is. That would be the only point I'll have to confront my aunt with. I guess, I'll have to get what she already knows and clarify with what she doesn't. By doing so, I take a risk of killing the fragile relationship I have with my aunt and I might be blamed by my dad and the rest of the family too, for causing more trouble.

It seems to be how the society is. If you stay neutral, you'll be condemned for not having an opinion, but if you make a choice, people who aren't satisfy with it, will blame you for the negative result.

It's not that I don't have an opinion. Only, the story belongs to the past and although it has never been resolved, I can't believe four years later, it will. Maybe I'm used of trying to satisfy most of people around me and just adapt myself to people's will... That the only picture I saw, was the big picture, neglecting my own mom's feelings.

I'm not really scared of confronting my aunt, what I'm scared of is that forgiveness doesn't have its place among my family members. I still believe that family should forgive... I don't like my uncle, but after four years, how can I still be bother by what he did? It's not like I'm traumatized by this for the rest of my life. My case seems to bring more problems to people around me than myself.

As a kid *and honestly, even when I was in high school*, grandmother would tell stories and as I listened attentively to them, I believe them, even though they were very far-fetched. Time goes by, I learned to believe some and forget about others.

Mom told me that in the letter, grandmother wrote that she wished I'll become a nobody. Am I really hurt by this? I'm upset by her immaturity. I know that the 'face' is extremely important for my grandmother. When she talked to her friend, who's daughter is studying med., she seemed to be embarrassed by me, who's in nursing. At that time, I barely noticed and didn't put much emphasis on it, only, mom reminded me about it.

It's all right that she doesn't love me as much as her other grandchildren. Love shouldn't be obtained by exchanging something, not between family members. And, I don't need her love to live. But, at least, I wish that she would know that even after all this, I care enough to forgive, because my mother won't. But then, she might not even know that I already have. Maybe I just don't care. It's all about, "Okay, I know now, so?]" [dot].

I just can't understand her immaturity. Aunt asked me to call her whenever I have time because she'll die soon. I don't want to be the first one calling. I don't want to be the one giving in, because she's at fault. If she really cared, she would have called, instead of going around, telling people that we don't care about her. (by the way, aunt, you don't know what being old really is, grandmom can have at least 15 years to go). Age is an excuse for her behavior. And, it shouldn't be.

I know that Dad wants to have news of her. I understand that after all, she's his mother...but what about mine? And like me, four years ago, Dad chose silence, for the big picture... and I used to resent him for that. Just a bit.

I take a lot of time before making my choice, but once I have, I don't want to turn back and regret. Whatever choice I make, I will either betray my mom or my dad. This is why I acted neutral as much as possible.

I'm wondering if that's how adults' world is built up. You turn against your own family and become a loner, but even when you're a loner, it's impossible to live without love, so you end up searching for it everywhere, being thirsty for acceptance. Isn't that how we live in society, wherever we are?

But, family doesn't consist of four people. And, in my definition of family, forgiveness exists; to care and respect each other shows your love.

Does it have to be like in the movies? That only when you lose someone, you'll know how he was precious to you? Is it that by then, we'll start to sincerely care? Or maybe, even after this, we'll still turn our back to each other. Can human beings be more selfless. Why are we all stuck with our own success? Have they ever tried doing something, just for the sake of it or someone, knowing that it's pointless, but still persevere?

Ah, maybe the problem is me. Maybe, I'm being at fault for being myself, for being naive. //Edit// The point is... there are some things I just don't want to hear, because I already know it. For instance, brother complained that parents didn't subscribe him in a back-up school, in case his entrance exam for Regina goes bad. I heard (from my room with my movie on) Dad says, "It's because you do better than your sister at school, you don't need a back-up high school." Might be a fact, but was it a must to *repeat* it? But then, seeing how Dad is relaxed, I've long understood...because I do remember the oh-so encouraging sentence he said as he drove me to school on the exam day. Just something similar to: "If you don't get in, you can't/won't be able to study anymore (not have a future)." //End//

Just a change of subject, the point is the same. Me, stuck in the middle.

In about one month and a half, it'll be two of my high school friends' birthday. One of my friend said that she only have one day free that she can spend with us. I, as always, understand that she's busy. I also know that she likes it better to spend time with her own friends. It's something that bother me a bit, just because it bother others. What I mean is, it's the same pattern every year. However, one of the birthday girl wrote to me, saying she'll take a day off work just because it's the other friend birthday. She said, would I like if it was my birthday and your friend shoots you one day to take or to leave. All right, it's upsetting...but what can I do? I... Why am I always taking matter lightly and end up with mess like this? I can't confront my friend who has her busy schedule taken by *other* friends and school and family... not that she isn't aware of what she's doing... and it's not like I'm not at any wrong here. I feel guilty myself and can't bring myself to confront her. They all go through by me so their complains would come to me... It does hurt to know that our position seems to be last, in the end, we're not even a priority anymore.

Ah, sac à patates.

See, in reality, there's nothing for me to stay here. I so don't feel attached to this place.

There isn't something like, ' I can't live without you.'

Nancy, Ly, and Kim knows I want to work abroad. One supported the idea. One absolutely doesn't want me to leave her. One obviously doesn't want me to go, but would still say 'all right...'.

Let me learn. When I come back, I would know how much I miss what I have here. By then, I'd know how precious people are here to me. =)

Ah, it's already 2AM and I just came back home about one hour and a half ago. It already smells like Winter so cold but I like it. Made me think all about this.