26.12.10

Des Vaches, de la merde et une naïve

[This belongs to 2010 Christmas times, after jotting down a few words, I didn't quite want to post it. But this weekend, which is not my regular schedule, I got back to work after a week away from the city, makes me want to say, how patients can be despicable at times.]

Je n'aime pas. Sérieusement, je n'aime pas les mauvais mots. J'aime encore moins quand on m'insulte pour ce que je n'ai pas eu le contrôle dessus. Je n'aime pas perdre patience devant mes patients, donc malgré leur comportement, au malheur de mes collègues, je sourie et continue à leur parler doucement, jusqu'à ce ma patience est à bout et que je n'ai pas le choix de jouer à l'hypocrite. On me dit d'être direct avec ces personnes et de leur expliquer que ce qu'elles disent c'est impoli. Excusez-moi, mais ces personnes ont plus du double de mon âge et tu n'es pas assez mature pour te rendre compte que tu ne démontres aucune gratitude envers les personnes qui prennent soins de toi en les insultant et bien je ne sais plus quoi dire.

Mon aventure de neuf jours commence avec mon retour au sein de ma famille à Hôtel-Dieu. Je suis contente de les revoir et il semble de même pour elles avec plein de calins! J'ai souhaité pour aucun décès cette année et mon voeux s'est réalisé. Par contre, j'ai reçu d'autres surprises.

Donc la veille de Noël, à 9h du matin, dans une chambre double, j'ai deux patientes ayant congé dont une confuse qui s'est mise nue et l'autre, une ancienne infirmière qui pleure parce qu'elle ne peut pas descendre de son lit pour se laver. Je suis occupée avec la priorité et j'entend cette dernière dire, "t'es une petite nouvelle, tu n'y connais rien." Je lui répond à travers le rideau, "Madame, ça fait trois ans que je travaille ici, je suis juste partie en congé d'étude." Vous savez très bien que les infirmières sont les plus difficiles à soigner (pire que les médecins), allez chercher pourquoi. Un peu plus tard, lorsqu'elle apprend qu'elle doit rentrer à la maison avec sa sonde urinaire et que le rendez-vous n'est pas pris tel que son médecin lui a promis la veille, elle me jette en hûrlant et tremblant, "vous êtes toutes des vaches, mais que des incompétentes, je reprend ma boîte de chocolat (pcq elle allait nous la donner) et je ne partirai pas sans mon rendez-vous" et j'en passe. Je suis arrivée au boulot tranquille et voilà, elle a réussi à m'énerver en 5 min. Elle sait pertinemment que je n'étais pas là la veille et que je n'y peux rien si les médecins promettent des choses et que ce n'est pas fait. Tout le personnel sait que c'est férié pour les 4 prochains jours et donc impossible d'établir un rendez-vous.

Cela n'est pas tout, vu que je viens de réapparaître dans le décor, mes amies ont passé la journée à se plaindre de l'unité, comme quoi tous les patients sont des princes et des princesses et qu'il faut négocier pour les moindre soins.

Je suis en 'safe mode', en conservation d'énergie pour la semaine, c'est donc à peine si je lis mes courriels, mais quelle différence dans l'atmosphère d'un hôpital à un autre. J'avais le goût de crier "mais fermez-vous la gueule et travaillez, merde." C'est à peine si tu as commencé ta journée, qu'elles se plaignent déjà! Eh ben oui, c'est ce que je suis en train de faire, mais on a épuisé ma patience aujourd'hui.

J'avais beau être zen, mais tout le monde était sur les nerfs. Il me semblait que Noël, c'est supposé être la paix.

Il y a une jeune patiente que mes collègues ont eu à tour de rôle pour 1 journée chaque étant donné qu'elles n'étaient pas capables de la supporter. J'en ai pris soins pour 3 jours et aujourd'hui, lors de son congé qu'on a passé la fin de semaine à négocier vu qu'elle ne voulait pas rentrer chez elle, elle m'a sorti, "fuck, mais merde, je ne vais pas faire mon pansement toute seule. Je reste ici.". Si vous avez suivi, c'est férié, donc le CLSC pour les soins à domicile n'est pas disponible jusqu'à mardi. Cette dame dans sa quarantaine a refusé de marcher jusqu'à quatre jours après son opération au sein!!! Et habituellement, on se lève le lendemain de l'opération, hein les amis? Apparement, sa porte de chambre était entre-ouverte et elle a crié "close this fucking door". Sa famille est toujours à son chevet, mais personne ne peut prendre s'occuper d'elle rendue à la maison? Cela me prenait 10 min pour lui convaincre de prendre le même médicament qu'elle prend depuis des jours pour soulager sa douleur. Mais bordel!

Et pour en finir, pendant que j'écris tout cela, il y a la cousine qui veut emprunter mes manettes Wii demain, mais qui a oublié de les prendre tantôt. Elle veut que je les met dans un taxi rendu au boulot jusqu'à son travail et qu'elle va les payer après avec des billets de taxi. Dire qu'elle m'avait chicanée parce que j'ai utilisé un de ces billets pour rentrer quand j'étais trop épuisée. De plus, je dois l'appeler quand ce sera fait à son poste de travail, parce qu'elle ne reçoit pas les sms?! Demain, je fais mon manager nurse donc déjà je dois arriver plus tôt et attendre le taxi pour des manettes ou sinon elle passera chez moi les prendre à 5h du matin. Ben oui toi..., je n'ai pas de boîte à lettres, que c'est compliqué pour des manettes et ma mère qui de s'en mêler pour empirer le tout. Après, cousine dit que je suis de mauvaise foi. On se demande pourquoi. Fine, je vais le faire. Tant mieux s'elles arrivent à destination.

Ces histoires ont peut-être l'air bien immatures et dans la vraie vie, elles sont encore plus ridicules. Je n'ai pas l'air de connaître ça moi, des journées simples et normales. Toujours prise dans la zone grise, comme le dit Norman.


Ce foutu piercing continue encore d'enfler quand je saute une journée de nettoyage.

21.12.10

2010 December Wrap-Up

I've spent most of December nights sleeping around 4h so now that's it 3h, I can't fall asleep. Might as well go on with my last 2010 blog entry before stepping into my 9 consecutive days of work *if* I don't get canceled at the very last min as usual

Introducing 10 little bit weird yet very Yen-ish facts:

1) If you remember in my November blog entries, I posted pics of my red fish and of my new piercing. That fish, it laid on the gravel for at least 2 weeks after I changed its water, so I thought it was near death. It could barely swim up for food, yet after another water change, it's back alive to his old behaviour. I guess I have magical hands to agonize those poor fishes' lives.

2) That piercing, it was healing pretty much fine, but two months later, one day after I got out of the shower, it flew off by itself...And there was no way I could put it back. Regardless of the swelling I had to pierce through it until I can go back to the store. But hey, how did I do it? How can it takes so much time before getting infected.

3) My Switzerland friend (M) came to visit and left. I'm amazed at how we are readily adapted to those who come and go. I got used to my daily life without her and realized that I don't miss her as much as I would have thought. It was nice having her over though. Our friend (L) teared up from frustration the other day, when she told me that M got her Switzerland residency since the very first day, yet omitted to tell us that M planned to stay overseas for at least three years. Honestly, when I learned of it, I did feel a bit betrayed, but only because M always turns to me first. M doesn't have to explicitly express herself and I would still know, which completely flips L over. So, I told L that this is M's life and it really doesn't concern us and by the time M gets back here, we might not be here anymore. I got over my issue within 24h, but L is still so flustered.

4) I always feel a little bad when I get introduced by my girl friends as their best friends, because I just have one (C). C's hard life at HDM is over. She always mentions about how I abandoned her there over the semester (sorry T_T). I was working at HSCM and on my way (late) to the cafeteria, I bumped into her!!! So here goes back to summer 2010 when I was doing my bossy job at HDM, there was the only ortho resident on the floor. I told C he has some charm to him...oh well, she ended up in surgeries with him and came out telling me: he isn't that cute you know... (all right, whatever). As unlucky as I am, he's also the resident she followed that day at HSCM. We ended up having dinner in their on-call rooms (the bedsheets were all in place, ah-hum). That being said, I believe whoever you are supposed to meet, you will meet them regardless. C and I don't speak much during school times, but we've been through thick and thin and that will remain.

5) First time I...
- went clubbing on a Sunday.
- went clubbing downtown with my car (because my cousin's decided to run out of batteries).
- drove in heels.
- had 0% of alcohol in her blood the entire night.
- got waist hugged by a let's say a minor (17 y.o?) and had to yank his hands off by myself because my usual bodyguards girl friends weren't there. All right, the cousin eventually did the job. I usually could pretend they are not around starring, but without alcohol, it is a little bit difficult.

6) I spent my days laying on my bed, sleeping until past noon, skipping on lunch, and watching movies, because I got canceled at work. And I feel good about it. Wrong, I'm back to the gym. A little bit of endorphins won't do bad and to also lose the extra 10 pounds gained over team meetings and projects. Wow, I think the last time I stepped into a gym was 2 years ago.

7) We had a family dinner for grandma's bday. No more divorce in the family as far as it goes. This is the way I've pictured marriages: stick together, solves issues, and be loyal. I despise relationship that are given up too easily. Both aunts came hugging me... I missed them too, but it doesn't feel like when I was twelve anymore. Yen has grown up, hasn't she? My aun't son is 1.75m. I remember how ten years ago, I held him by the hand in Oka's park running around in his diaper. And the baby girl grows up to look so much like me, it's freaky. ^^

8) I changed shampoo again. All right, I do think that we need to change shampoo once in a while to prevent hair from getting used to the same formula, but I have a habit of changing shampoo after an important event happens. Now, this one is amazing. Most of my curls were cut off so the hair was straight for the past three months. Since I started using this shampoo, my curls are back! Yes, I love my hair, isn't it obvious?

9) I spent more time with my elder friend and her family than with any other friend this semester to the point where she says I have this bad tendency to be mother-like at a too young age. Her kids call me Uncle Helen or Co Yen, go figure.

10) I'm so eager for this lousy year to end (as some friends may agree with me) so I'm ready to say goodbye now! Hey there, I'm trying to see the glass half full here. The girl still had a good time, don't worry.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all, see you in 2011!

27.11.10

For a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime?

I was having a random talk with a friend and his potential crush again. So yes, I heard things about these girls that he wants to know about but I don't really want to tell much. I said I don't really care about them, but don't want to bash them because I don't personally know them. Yet, he agrees that I was right about certain issues with a previous potential crush--previous meaning it totally didn't work out, right... I think he didn't even bother to try.

Then he popped out, "you care about me?"

Geez, this is so NOT a question to ask, seriously. At least, not now or ever for the matter. Ok...it felt like a question along those lines of do you like me. I mean, he knows, I care for those who are my friends. End of the story. Or...it might be because I was the very first friend who ever cared...
That's it. Yen isn't doing any more caring. (OH and WTH is wrong with my males friends calling me Yen? It sounds ugly. I'm not money.
>.< It takes me an extra 2 secs to recognize myself because they don't pronounce it the right way, since they are not Vietnamese.)
Anyhoo...found this somewhere...

People come into your life for
a Reason
a Season
or a Lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part
or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.

14.11.10

Jeremy N.


" We're all entitled to our own choices, judgments and opinions. We're the one in control of our destiny, and it's up to us to choose how we want to achieve our goals, how to reach for the concrete or the abstract we've always wanted to accomplish.

There are many ways to do it. Of course, many of us tend to get lost and stray away from our real objectives. But it's not over yet. If you truly believe that all roads lead to Rome, then don't give up - even if it will take longer. You chose the wrong path, then deal with it. Absorb the consequences and move on.

Or, when you're stuck at a crossroad like myself... take the time to re-think things through, analyze, decide, and don't look back. Looking back and regretting is what's gonna make our lives miserable.

Be strong. " Jeremy N.

I stumbled on a 365 days project on FB. He's an awesome photographer/artist, who also does engagement/wedding pictures.

p.s. I'm nowhere acquainted to this person, but take your time to go through his albums, you'll appreciate it with humor!

365 days part 1 : http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2112550&id=48301595

365 days part 2: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2122952&id=48301595

Photography

11.11.10

Is Down The Hole

with bronchitis. At the very beginning of the week, I thought I contracted another cold, but I went down with fever yesterday, with greenish gelatin like yurkie thing coming out of my throat. I cough like a dog barks. Urgh, no way I'm spending 3 hours waiting for asthma pumps (i'm not a regular asthmatic) and antibiotic (I hate these)...so...I'm just going to get one of my nurse friend to get a pump...LOL Stress is kicking in and destroying my immune system. No flu vaccine for me this year, it's a no-no.

This whole financial and work issues are just unbearable. At first, this upcoming weekend, I was supposed to work at HDM instead of my friend who wanted to have off. Our boss said it was fine. Eventually, someone else called and say that I can't due the fact that I'm on complete leave for studies (but at that time, my boss said I can work when I want nonetheless). So fine. Then on my private agency website, they suddenly posted that they needed a nurse for the weekend. I called in and they confirm my spot. Yay. I'm almost as sick as I was three years ago when I was also down with flu in November, but it made me happy to work. Today, on a very sunny day, I didn't go to class. Since I started my semester, it has been raining every single Thursdays. I know because it's technically the only class I attend during the week. I go to school every other day for awful team meetings and projects. Today, my agency called to tell me an intern nurse took the spot so I don't have to work. Can they do that after they had confirm my schedule?

Both systems of HDM and HSCM piss me off. The money CHUM was supposed to grant me is not coming in this year, because they haven't sign the agreement with the syndicate. But we signed a contract! I hate to say this, but I'd rather pay back what I owe and jump to the ICU of MUHC. I'm very aware that their full time is at least 48h/week and 12h a day. But I don't want to stay where I'm not needed and toyed around. When they needed me, they drained my energy out. When they are overloaded, I'm tossed on the side. I mean, when you're tagged to fill empty holes, you're stuck with it.

I'm aware I'm to blame because I didn't plan well enough ahead that something like this can happen : no income. But it's due to the fact that my plans Bs have always always worked out up until now. Of course, I can't feel more like a 3rd year University student as it is, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. The whole family financial issues are so stressful, I want to help. Dad said to focus on my studies (it's barely the only aspect I have control over now), but it isn't how things work. Anyhow, I'm learning an awesome lesson and got to stuck it up and plan for a change. I wish for 2010 to end so soon. Every new year, I wish for a better year, but why does it always seem to be just worse. I can't help it but to be pessimistic.

p.s. Try this just for fun

Have you ever wanted to go to Japan? Have you figured how to do so?

Now...

1. Go on Google Maps
2. Enter Japan as departure
3. Enter USA as arrival
4. Read number 27
5. Laugh or do whatever you want. But who figured that out? Google humor

5.11.10

Middle-aged

Remember this older friend I mentioned in a previous post? She's now part of my daily life. MSN is going bonkers on me. Even if when I'm online, my friends say I'm off. Anyways, so messages are not sent. T doesn't have MSN and didn't have me in her tops friends so we couldn't sms each other. I ended up on Gtalk, pretty awesome thing, the messages are sent directly to my phone (now, I get what that apps was for.) About two weekends ago, she invited me over for dinner, stating that she has her husband's friend who's coming over too, but can't tell him I'd be there because he stresses upon any female's presence. Throughout the dinner, it was hardcore English conversations. I thought it would be difficult to adapt, since I'm an intruder among them but it was fine. Apparently, her husband has a really good laugh and time. At midnight, she suddenly asked if I have a boyfriend because he would be worried by now. I made such an awkward face.

T has been sharing many of her friends' relationships stories. It's all about failed marriages and relationships. Her friends (males and females) are depressed that they have to be single at this age and without a child. She says if she has to choose, she'd rather choose children, because at least they stay beside you. I suppose it's hard to go through when you've given your youth to your man, then once you reach middle age, your life falls apart. Then, T goes about how she can introduce her friends to me. You know how Asian people are difficult for others to guess age. I supposed she's in her early thirties or mid, until I asked her. That's when I learned she's almost double my age. T says to her husband "she's a baby (me), we can be her parents!" Age wise, I'm right in between her youngest kid and her. That's also when she goes all protective, saying I can join their dinners parties, but no way would she let her male friends near me.

Seriously, even if I say from time to time that I don't to be alone, but I'm pretty fine the way it is. So I could careless. I feel so helpless when people date for a long time, decide to marry and divorce a year later. I mean, what's the point? Couldn't you realize earlier that the relationship would not work out? All her stories freak me out. They're such a harsh reality check. Who wants to get married then divorce at 40 years old? At least, I don't want that. The worst for women is to be childless at 40. No matter how unrealistic it may be, I still want a marriage that would last a lifetime. We deserve to strive for the best and have the best of what the world has to offer.

3.11.10

Jeopardy

Being quite a while, isn't it? I went into one of my infamous disappearing session.
Out of it, of course I got to catch up on social life. Or more likely, friends get to catch up with their lives to me. Within two days, I listened to two very similar stories. As a matter of fact, my two girls friends are currently in a relationship, with a third male party being also very interested in dating them. Overall, they are confused and they just talked, talked, and talked. Even if it was already past 2am, I managed to put all these words into something they call logical thinking. I astonished them and myself. Amazing me!

I said...

The imagination of how it would be with this someone else is very tempting. There is this impulsion of leaving the relationship the girls have been striving for so long, to explore elsewhere, because that new territory is interestingly unknown. As far as I know, we are curious beings. I suggested them not to give up what they have now to go towards uncertainty, no matter how strong the impulsive and unwell feelings are. I'm very aware that in the end, they will regret it. Also, the significant other might have forgiven once, but he can't do it twice.

The difference between my girls and I, is that no matter how much I whine and go insane following the choices I made and no matter how I feel afterward; time later, I don't regret them. Because even if it was just a moment of honesty, it was still honesty; of knowing what you want. Or maybe, because at one point, I had nothing else to lose.
But they do. They are insecure and dwells in hesitation, which would only lead to feeling of remorse. Beside, they might not have the capacity to detach themselves to view the reality from a distant point of view, hence not being able to convince themselves of their own reality. It might sounds sad, but to some people it's an efficient way to protect themselves.


My red betta pretending to sit on his ass...He's being very lethargic these days. I suppose he hates the cold.

20.10.10

Mom's walking on my tail

This is what happened in the last 20 min. I stayed home to study my drugs the whole day because I can't stand paying for lunch at school anymore. She came down to my room 3 times within 15 min.

1) Metro (grocery store) has this point card thing...so Mom comes down with the bill asking me to change the postal address because apparently, the wrong one was entered. Holy cow, can't whoever just do it right in the first place? Mom says my brother can't do it because there are too many stuff on Metro website, so he can't find the link. WTF?
"Mom, you have a son for nothing." I often repeat this to her. Seriously, I'm pretty sure if the house was to burn he would stand there and watch it turns to ash.

2) Mom comes back down asking me if we should accept a Chinese student exchange so that my brother can go to China for two weeks. She says all expenses are covered by the school, we just have to spend 2K. Huh?
-"Mom, we don't have money." (For those who know our financial situation)
-"But it's an opportunity for your brother. He has never take the plane before."
-"So? I didn't take the plane before 19 y.o. He's 14. Mom, do you know what exchange student is?"

Anyways, so after explaining it to her, I said I don't care. I don't care about these metro points or if you want a Chinese here or spend a 2K you don't have...All I care about is my deadlines. The assignments are piling and I'm in the middle of keeping track on my studies. Oh, and my share of bills I got to pay but probably can't because I'm not scheduled for work for the upcoming two weeks...hence no paycheck. I'm so waiting for the two paychecks coming in tonight!!! As long as I split that money wisely, the bills should be fine. It's a first thing in the last three years I'm out of work, I guess?

3) Mom came back down to say, "Why did you took 'leave' from HDM and now HSCM doesn't make you work...?"

Well...you see, I was at work too often for a student who's overloaded with school? At that time, both were asking for two many hours. But what do you want, life likes to trick us.

On a side note, I recently befriended with a Vietnamese nursing student who's married to a Caucasian husband and they have 3 SO beautiful kids. They live in Old Montreal and drive a cube (rectangle) car. I hate cube car. It's funny to hear her rant about the projects and tell me to hold my hunger and my need to empty my bladder. Yes, if you haven't noticed I have a thing with older buddies, many are '86...Tiger years. I barely have younger friends, even if they are just 1 year younger, they often annoy the hell out of me (screw it, generalizing rules). Well, she wants to pay my mom to make a Bun Bo Hue pot. OMG! That line, is the link within this entry. Yep. Ok, I probably have some fuses burned. The girl is going back to her drugs...

18.10.10

Schooling

and randomness....

So, what is it really?
With the program I'm following at the university for the third year, honestly, I rarely spent the whole week down the campus. But this past week was really something: undergoing one year community health nursing project. It's awful when you have type A personality in the group. I really wonder how these two girls do it. How can they spend 9 hours editing the already supposed to be finish product (they were just supposed to do/fix the reference pages with APA rules!!!)? Honestly speaking, this is a teamwork project. It means you are not supposed to seek the approval only of your other Type A colleague. What are we? All right, one is just too lost beyond everything (no-no...this person isn't me), but there are still three vedged colleagues who do their jobs and would like to have their opinions heard.

Anyways, so on a Sunday morning, I went to pick up a friend and drove down to the campus (found free parking immediately) for...drugs-studying! The school PC was a nice change from my mini netbook. It was almost 21h when I got home and we haven't had dinner. It is only until I open my blog that I've completed what I wanted/needed to do. It feels so good to be so focus and accomplished. It's a time like this that you are okay on your own and don't need anyone or anything else. I like.

//Edit 10.10.18

I feel happy. It will be a happy week. Yes, even if I have dinner at 22h again. I had my CLSC midterm evaluation today. It's nice to have a preceptor who has a similar vision as the student for once. She gives me so much autonomy: I meet half of the patients on my own. It's almost freaky because I'm still a student (and getting used to it again) even if I'm already a registered nurse. So out of curiosity (confirmation), I asked her if she allowed as much independence to her previous students, she denied, explaining that one of them couldn't even open a sterile dressings kits without contaminating it.

Well, guess what I came home to? Getting off the bus, I see Videotron truck ready to take off. Worse, they saw me heading in. Damn, I totally forgot that they were supposed to come in today to switch the modem to a speedier one. SO...I gotta learn to stop leaving my bras hanging around my room. Yup. Not.

See that white cable? See my other neat cables? Well, that white cable is so rigid I can barely bend it. What to do?
See the black thing with white letters written on? Well, that's the new modem. How come technology is supposed to be all about new and tiny...when Videotron modems keep getting bigger and bigger? Yes, they are behind the bars. PC's up, got to use the space!

10.10.10

What About You?

There are times my reality is being pushed away as far as possible until life deadlines force me to face it. I call it reality because it was already a known issue, hence far from being a surprise. And it was not purposely put on hold, only no one made a decision or that temporary decision made was never appropriate to begin with.

If I go on, I think I can very well go insane. (Try to imagine me pulling on my hair and yelling) There are always playback of actual facts, they don't stop coming, from the world of genuine reality hunting my own everyday life reality, which are two distinct things. They remind me of what I'm already aware of and they keep confirming what I've doubt of, but may have being told differently at one point. These pictures are of how it should be, the way rules and regulations have designed it to be, but also how all the nonfactual ideals we are supposed to conform to.

There is this much damage done. Everyone would rather keep it on a thin line, instead of putting it clear and cut, because we were too cowards and would rather take the temporary easy way out. Although, it took me too long, it'll be done. Life's a bitch, people leave behind tasks they don't want to dirty their hands with. The truth is, someone has to back off for the other one to live a better life, no? Similar to when a friend leaves you to pursue his dream. Just because it hurts the pride of being so foolish. Because in the end, when I look back, all I can ask myself is...what about me?

But before turning my back, at least let me say : Xin Lỗi

6.10.10

I'll Back Off So You Can Live A Better Life

On repeat~

Liking those who can carries sexy-ness without wearing revealing clothes! =)



Random: Until around 17 years old, I used to sleep with a fluffy animal...but because it kept falling on the floor, I had no choice but put it among it peers in my walk-in. However, I guess I developed of hugging in my sleep.

3.10.10

Boo-ring

Argh...Everyday is getting more and more redundant, just plain boring. Can't something new and exciting happens? Yes, as in fall from the sky-like person (preferably male?) to play with me (only when I got spare time?) Oh well, that's pretty much too much to ask right now anyway.

Got friends who will soon leave for a road trip to Washington for four days. I really want to come along, but the following day, I got an exam and I'd have to check into my CLSC. Also, my cousin says there is really nothing much to do there. Just another boring trip, I suppose? Hence, the exam would have to come first even if I'd still probably be able to study there.

I have another friend who wants to go to NYC within this month too, but for shopping, is that what I really want to do? Nah... And unfortunately, there are always other 'mature' but boring responsibilities that need to come first.

Ummm...figured out that I want my next trip to be Hawaii!!!! Ok, in my dreams, I know.

Days are getting darker earlier. Everyone complains of being tired. The depressing month is coming: November. Am I ready to welcome it? But I like winter.

Slept over at my cousin's and apparently, my lil cousin and I were taking turns hugging each other during our sleep... I also enjoyed over a dozen of fresh oysters that I opened on my own and even better, I'm good at it, even opening those my cousins can't.

...Sadly, I'm hungry now. Feed me!!! =(
(I gained 8lbs...where the hell did it go?!?!)

p.s. I remember writing an entry called 'One Year later' a year ago (duh), but so now...what? Do I have an answer?

20.9.10

Doctors Suck

They don't listen to what nurses have to say. ( I also think we complain too much and don't work enough too.)
Sorry I need to vent and no offense to my soon to be doctors friends. So..some case studies:

At HDM:

- They freaking can't make a decision even when they're on the edge: internal medecine and ortho surgeon. How far do we need to rush you and make you understand that it is impossible for me to keep her on the floor with my other 8 patients (because we were missing a nurse). i.e Does the patient need to be move to the ICU or not?
- The patient's tongue and lips are so swollen and distended, we wouldn't even be able to put a tube inside in airway...and you say it isn't THAT swollen? I'm sorry but who was here the morning and saw her normal state?
- I tell the MD and show him the wounds are full of infection (enough to make me puke), I asked for I/V antibiotics and he replied that they will heal on their own. WTF? 'BTW, you freak me out a bit when you put your face within 30 min of mine... and even if you are a nice person, I would never ever be operated by you.'
- The patient's entire belly was big enough as if she's pregnant with twins (probably can't see her legs), I lightly applied pressure on it and she yelled. She had bowel movements so it wasn't constipation. The surgical incision is abnormally leaking...what do you think it is? And I get the answer from internal medecine that her belly is still soft and not distended. Seriously?
- The legs of a cardiac patients are so swollen. I suggested anti-embolism socks to the family (plus the patient wore them at home). Internal medecine says it wouldn't help much for thrombus cause so he won't prescribe them. I don't freaking need your prescription, it won't cause any harm anyways just to reduce the elephant legs and help his veins a bit.

At CLSC:
-Wound is leaking pus from an old cardio-thoracic surgery. Two specialists (cardio and surgery) say it isn't within their care and won't talk to each other so we have to send messages to both...but their office are right next to each other. Bravo. Now, there is a 6cm tunnel wound in his chest...

Conclusion:
We need doctors who can make quick decision. You either save the person or you don't. I know there are details besides, but come on are you that scared to take responsibilities for your acts? Also, saying that it's your colleague responsibility and not yours would never help your patient. Why would they rather lose so much time on sending the chart back and forward instead of just deciding on a treatment? Isn't it both money and time loss and it isn't for the patient's benefit at all.

It just pisses me off when people (even worse when they have the power and the authority) can't make a choice.

18.9.10

Off The Hook Or Not

September 16th 2010, it is the end of my treatment, hopefully. The appointment with my doc is next week, so let's hope he doesn't feel like putting me back to it. Last week, with all the sudden sneezing, I thought I was allergic to cats, but actually, it was the beginning of a cold. I was lucky enough to have to run under the rain without umbrella twice within a week!!! Funny how I always get sick at around the same month twice a year... Anyways, so dry cough, then brain congestion with nose blockage, the regular cycle...I didn't want to do much beside sleeping.

Friday, I was in class, then as I reflex-swallowed, it didn't feel quite like saliva or anything normal yet not unknown to me. I rushed to the bathroom and it wouldn't stop. I usually coagulated within a minute, but just by the time I needed to switch toilet paper, red droplets were falling down in the water. I stood there for at least 20 min...It sucks when your brain automatically tells you, "dudette, try to eat more, you need vitamine K". Beside not having to take these pills regularly, just for the nosebleed and dry skin, I'm so happy to be off the hook.

Damn hell, I'm jinxed. I always get pre-code blue at lunch time. It took the doctors two fucking hours to decide to move the patient to ICU. Come on, it was obvious we wouldn't keep on the floor. When I was going for my rounds, something felt weird about her, as she couldn't speak like in the morning and her mouth hurt. The tongue was terribly swollen. And if I had gone to lunch earlier, I'm pretty sure no one would have notice it. Not that others suck or I'm too good, but with all the stories I hear and know of, it's sad that some people just don't have 'it'.

I decided to reinstall Windows XP after a day like this. At first, I called around for friends because I was looking for the cd, but actually, it was right in my netbook! I was so fed-up and pissed. Google didn't do its job anymore and Blogger started to be redirected elsewhere...Plus, my anti-virus was going crazy popping out all the time. It wasn't so bad, you just learn to do it by yourself.

12.9.10

NM's wedding

NM stands for New Moon in my eyes... as in a new beginning...walking even further together down the path of happiness that they chose. As I'm typing this down, the couple had left for Mexico. Isn't it great since the cold weather has hit the city, but I like it that way with a clear blue sky.

Friday evening was nice, I'm not a big fan of buffet food even less for its price (25$), but the food was fine. Spent some time in the hot water then tried the lake but I sort of chickened out.

Saturday was the day. I got a little experience from previous weddings but this is my first occidental wedding. Costs me near 500$ for this wedding, no joke... It was raining and cold...and just...I figured out, people can be more lost than I am or maybe I'm just too much of a control-freak. At least, there was no fashion disaster like asian women can achieve. The official ceremony didn't start until the 15h...

Sunday, I didn't bother, I came down to breakfast in PJs...


Linda is cleaning her shoe?

I'm sooo hungry.

Their weekend was mostly spent like this.

But no matter how bad it goes, couple always make up.

Damn hell, my eyes were burning!!!! And geez, I look so pregnant in here (and many other pics).


Cheers!

Car Accident Reflex

Cinderella's sister

Something not unsual is happening around 1 min... Does it make any sense for the driver to unbelt himself and protect the passenger (regardless of him harboring any romantic feeling towards her...in this case, the answer is negative...) instead of having the reflex to turn the wheel to protect his himself?

Oh well...only if fairytales were true...although they aren't always completely false...dreaming can be a great part of life.

21.8.10

Les Petits Plaisirs de la vie

All right, so it's just to say that I don't only write dark and gloomy words, but also have my little peaceful moments. You know how it is just easier to complain when things go wrong, but don't really feel like sharing when you're doing fine.

Geez, I feel like a walking fruits salad with Coconut shampoo, Avocado shower gel and Mango body cream, but it feels so good after a long day...

The other day, because I couldn't breath in my room anymore, I spent the whole afternoon on my balcony, going over through some papers.

I brought home 3 branches of Papyrus plant from France (Lyon to Normandie to Montreal). When putting them into the water, you have to do so upside down for the root to grow...just different from others. I like how it feels when I go outside and see new sprouts from underneath.


The tallest one is funny, it grew alone then somehow stopped to wait for others that come from weaker branches to grow up too. And I think there's a tiny one trying to seek life right now. Papyrus doesn't mind too much water, nor although very thin looking, they don't break under the strong rain and wind we've been through these days.


Guess what I've spotted right through that hole?


Une marmotte!!!! It got scared when I got closer trying to catch a better picture, so it ran into its little house, then peaked out his head, trying to see if this big meanie person, who disrupted his meal time. went away. It came out twice... just to eat in my grass.



Then, I heard weird noise, guess what I've seen? I also got a visit from a black cat with white paws. It's not the first time I've seen it running around the neighborhood alone neither.

12.8.10

Stagnation Point

It feels like I'm stuck at this point in time. But I want things to be different. Come on, how many times have I left, then came back, to witness everyone and everything being exactly where I had left off? (Ok, I know nothing happens magically neither and I might need to move more than I already did.) Although some may have chosen a different path, but in the end, all I can see is the same story. I mean, I'm not quite at a girl's age in life where things can just stagnate there. Youth doesn't last and no, it isn't my biological clock tickling.

Since coming back, I've been trying to figure out what is it that was taken away from me...what is it, that is missing. What is it that makes a person hangs on, that I lost?
Hope
I can't no longer hope that something is happening for the best or that it will get better, no it won't. When you've been told to not expect and when you've told yourself oh too many times not to hope, eventually, it hits you to let go of what makes you hang onto life, doesn't it? I used to say it's impossible not to expect, because that would mean losing hope and if you don't have hope, how can you live a life for tomorrow?

I burst into tears at work last week. I was so mad for being yelled the whole day, for mistakes that weren't in my control just because the person needed to vent. They've never witnessed such a black face on me and I was holding it in, until Steve stroked my arm, telling me not to cry. That's when I couldn't stop for the next 20 min. However, the day before, a person dear to me left. The patient came in for a regular fracture, but developed many complications. I especially love elderly patients who still have their whole mental status intact and have the will to progress even with all the history they have. Probably, because I can find in them what I no longer have.

I've always said that I don't cry when someone dies, because I can't feel anything. It's all a lie. I took care of her at the very beginning of her hospitalization and on her last day that she became unconscious. She didn't want to die, not alone. Well, she wasn't because we managed to call the family members over. Fifteen minutes before the end of my shift, they asked what would I do if this person was my mom. They wanted to shorten their mom's pain. But, from what I could she, she wasn't in pain. Nevertheless, I sent her away with that shot of Morphine and by taking her O2 mask off, she left us not too long after. You know what it feels like? It feels like I've killed someone, even if 'it was for the best'. But nothing happens for the best in my point of view anymore.

And why is it that when you think you don't, you do? How can people be so convinced a relationship won't work even before giving it a chance? Or... what to do when they have chosen to try, then regret it, saying 'how could I know?'.

25.7.10

3 Little Words

No it isn't what you thought, ha!
They are just three big stories I stumble on the internet, that could have been told within one sentence...yet,

“Love is when you feel something changing between the both of you. When you both become more comfortable with each other, and you know that it’s not infatuation anymore. When it’s past the lying to make each other feel good, and more then the high level of comfortableness. When you feel something between the both of you changing, changing into something greater…that’s love.”

"Long-distance relationships have an urgency that couples in short-distance relationships can only dream of. Every second together counts. Every shared meal is savored; every kiss must be good enough to last weeks, maybe even months. Have you really lived, after all, if you haven’t searched for your beloved’s face at an airport gate, cursing the flight delay because you have only a weekend before you must part again? We should all be so lucky to seal in our memories the image of our lover on our doorstep, suitcase in hand, clothes wrinkled from a long trip, skin emanating a scent that we’ve forgotten but suddenly comes rushing back, bringing with it the recollection of the last time, which was too long ago and too brief, and ended with a tearful goodbye on this same doorstep.

“You have to wait for the someone who sees you, and I mean really, truly sees you. Sees all your quirks and your flaws and the cracks in your facade and still loves you and gives you records and maybe goes to the park with you on Sundays to sit on the swings. Listen — this person will find you, but you have to wait. That’s the important distinction there. They will find you. So live your life, and be happy, and stop looking all the time.”

24.7.10

How can you move on when you're standing still?

So what happens when what you say and do don't match?
Nothing.
Because, (I know this seems like big time irony) but I still strongly mean and believe in what I said, even if the way the situations unfolded is different.

And do I care? No.
Okay fine, maybe I do.
But sometimes, it doesn't matter until someone else does too.

Also, there is a possibility that answers only appear much later; answers that are already known of, because choices were already made. It's only a matter of sticking to them instead of finding excuses to bypass them.

In the meantime, finding inner peace is the best alternative to reduce my heart beat. At rest, it goes from 60 t0 100 beats/min. When it's near 100/min, I can feel the uncomfortable feeling building up in my chest and it's very unhealthy for a young person to have such a fast heart beat. I think my prolonged indigestion issue also comes from this. I used to spend a year doing yoga, but stopped for the past two years. It'd seriously benefit me to start again. Oddly enough, I feel much happier when I can't feel my heart wanting to explode out of my chest.

Tell me what happened, the more it goes, the more I hate noises, shopping, restaurants, hanging out, etc. Witnessing my friends' shopping sprees scare the shit of me. Now, it has become so hard to conceive how many clothes they can buy, knowing their wardrobe is fuller than mine! I just love being home and alone. I miss mom, who's going to be back tomorrow. Ok, I think I won't miss her as much once she has landed.

11.7.10

Code Blue On Ambition

It's my first time witnessing and participating in a whole process of a code blue. So now that I'm in my bed writing this entry, let's rewind to six hours ago.

A daughter came to me in panic, saying that her father is having tremors (nobody on the unit gets what tremors. French of Quebec. Ya.)
"Is he known for Parkinson?"
"No"
"Is he diabetic?"
"No, he was eating fine in the chair until he began shaking all over." I turned my head towards the common room and indeed, he was having intense tremors. It almost appeared like epilepsy. By the way, he was not my patient and I didn't know his case. His incompetent nurse (C) left to lunch and when I called her, she didn't bother explaining his case, hence as I was going through the chart, I asked others to take the blood pressure and glucose test. Impossible to get an BP and the glucose was a little high for a non diabetic person, but that shouldn't be it. He also couldn't say if he has chest pain, but was known for cardiac fibrillation and has a history of heart attack.

After putting back to bed, his O2 blood level and PB were low with a high cardiac rhythm. The ortho surgeon (the patient official doctor) was there so I grabbed her over, but she said there was nothing she could do so we called for pre-code. The team from ICU came down with the
equipment and started checking up his chart. All this while, the patient was still conscious. The patient coded during chest X-rays and I experienced my first ever cardiac massages. Sweaty thing.

Then, his nurse (C) came back and I expelled her from the room, telling her I'd take of her patient and she takes over mine. Dude, this person doesn't even know what to do anyways. First and foremost, she wasn't there from the very beginning. Now, even with artificial ventilation, he turned grey not too long after his cardiac arrest and then, I knew he was gone. The family was insisting for reanimation so that's what we did for over an hour, but in vain. Since then, all I can think of is this. It was so sudden. He was post-op of 8 days already, where did the complications come from and how come no one noticed that before? He didn't have fever, so it couldn't be infection. And since when tremors equal fibrillation?

However, even if I'm not competent enough for this kind of situation, I loved the experience. I think I'd enjoy it to work in the ICU. We were about five people taking turns for the cardiac massages and when it was my turn, I had to tiptoe. Someone yelled out for a little chair as they got the bed even higher, making it even harder for the little me. The team seems awesome! My assistant nurse thanked us (F. + S. + me) for taking over the code blue. As I was trying to lower my own blood pressure, she says, "S. et toi vous êtes bonnes, mais mon petit doigt me dit que dès que tu auras fini tes études, tu vas t'en aller (du département). Tandis que S., même si elle s'en va, elle va revenir. Restez encore au moins deux ans, ne laissez pas tomber Isabelle si tôt." Hey, there will always be good and bad nurses, with us there or not, the unit will continue to function. Plus, it's the boss's mistake for keeping incompetent employees.

Anyways, are my wings so spread out that everyone knows I'd want to try something different? Or is it because I fly pretty well on my own that this isn't enough to satisfy my ambition? Is it written on my face or something? Well, let me tell you a secret, now matter how big a woman's ambition is, at the end of the day, all she'd wish for is a shoulder to rest on, regardless of her age.

Honestly, I do like my life right now. I know I can be a case of envy, but I've also paid a price for this. The me three years ago and the me three years later are so much different. I've gained self-confidence and lot of life experience, yet I'm not sure if I like the me of today. Now, I can't help but wonder if there's a hidden motive behind a person's acts, which I don't appreciate to do. I've come to understand that a woman's most powerful weapon isn't tears but acting pitifully innocent (behaving like she's clueless). On the other hand, she has mastered the rules of manipulation with the target believing that he has the control over the situation. Thank god, this is too hardcore for me.

Cheers!

9.7.10

Confession Goes Wrong

Let's make this short and sweet...
Do people who confess expect to be forgiven?
If your boyfriend confesses that he cheated on you, would you forgive him? Well, I've always thought I would if I can justify the why behind the what and adding time, I believed it's possible.
Now, I really doubt myself. You know, it's the kind of confessions that make you want to fall asleep sooner, but when you wake up in the morning, you just want to go back to sleep. There are some confessions that are plain difficult to digest. Mainly due to the fact that you've been too forgiven time after time, thinking that attitude can change for better, but no, it was pure manipulation to reach a specific goal from the very beginning. That being said, everyone has warned you. But you trusted yourself too much, believed in the other party too much... Well, this is not gonna last for long. I came back from France not to be the same person who left Montreal. I have a serious assignment to complete in August and won't let anyone or anything get in the way. Sad to say, but through all this, I've learned that being selfish is a mean to self-protection and preservation.

6.6.10

Day 3: Paris


because she welcomed me wholeheartedly and that I cooked for her the time I was there, and because I visited ' Le Musée du Louvre, le Jardin des Tuilleries et le Cimetiere du Père Lachaise' within a day or more accurately, after leaving the appartment around 15h, because I was still jet-lagging... and because everything closes at 19h...

not enough reasons to say thank you.

5.6.10

Day X: In Paris

It's already 3 am here, but I can't fall asleep. I actually need to talk, but can't 'cuz there is no one to listen. I can already anticipate how I will turn into a crazy freak and cry over the phone with my mom. (I cried upon hearing my mom's voice on the following day after landing in VN, so right now, I'm holding it pretty well.) This post will show how ironic I can be. Also, I won't be able to use internet much (annoying keyboard) and I apologize for all the mistakes to be found. The battery is dying in 25 min, I can't go through proof-reading. 

Before being where I am, I wished to leave so bad that every day at work, I was waiting for it to end so the D day will come faster. A week before boarding, I was filled with stress just at the idea of being away.

Now that I'm nearing the period (9 days-11 days) that I will spend alone and that would turn me into a little schizo person, I am actually scared, almost enough to admit that I regret my decision. I'm thinking, I need to stop doing this all the time. Impulse. Or the need to be away, to explore what's out there... to be different. The consequences I'd have to assume might be too much to handle.

On the hand, this experience would certainly teach me a lot and hopefully, let it be worth it. Anyways, so right now, I'm hungry instead of sleepy. My body feels very much like 21h00 instead of 3h00. Chatting with Chi puts me more at ease even if there is nothing she can do. While she will be leaving for Europe in 2 weeks, I'm helping her out with little details. It's funny how more than once, we'd be in the same country at the same time without meeting each other.  Once I get back (or when I can), I'll start this 365 days project, beginning with my trip in France. 

As much as I can I'll use the time alone to reflect on what happened, what I have, and what to do next.

Above all, I miss you. 

Day 2: Paris

because I visited the most cliché attraction ever, but loved this the most:


because Sacré-Coeur - Montmartre gave me this view of Paris:



Obviously, the feeling was not as awesome as when I was right there.

Oh, and I brought a shooter glass there. The only one over all the cities I visited.

4.6.10

Day 1: Paris






because I took the RER (a train that goes out of Paris to its surroundings) for the first time from the CDG airport to Chatelet, where my cousin's friend was picking me up.

There, I started my jet-lagging week from sleeping at 5h and waking up after 11h (while in MTL, I got a sleeping routine of 23h to 6h) to missing my plane to Nice.

Let's not forget...here I go dragging around my mini-luggage and backpack around for 3 weeks.

3.6.10

France 2010

All right so I was debating whether to do this in French or English, but let's stick with English.

I believe it takes a little of courage, will, love, hate, organization, and lot of money to go through this trip.

I've always wanted to try traveling on my own, even if I've never lived by myself. (Ok, parents weren't quite aware of this detail. Obviously.)

On June 3rd, I flew after 23h towards CDG airport, Paris. I visited 8 cities in France and met many people around the world. I spent over ten days alone. It was less scary than what my friends warmed me of, but at night in the hotel room on my own with thunderstorms outside...I wished I would be with my friend soon.

Overall, I learned a lot, seen a lot, smelled, and tasted a lot a bit of everything... I always feel as if I grew a bit after each relatively long trip. And this is the amazing gift of life. A month later, I'm back happy. I missed home.

All right, so let's start this day per day post. However, I doubt I took pics everyday I spent there...more exactly, I doubt I can remember where I went when.

13.5.10

Crazy Princess Syndrome

About a month ago, I found these that are not quite considered fine lingerie but almost. I'm so fed up of cheap undies 5 for 30 bucks with the lace part ripping off after 3 washes. I also can't tolerate thongs since they would get stuck in between my ass (okay, while i get used to these...I'm still pulling on them haha), but it seems they are needed for certain skirts and dresses.



My favorites are the green (perfect green color) bra and yellow undies (more comfy than the pale pink 'cuz it's less low rise). They are all amazingly soft, stretchy, and comfy. The white bra is the bikini version so no padding. It's love. Okay well, they cost more than I used to pay for underwear, but let's say they are an investment and it's like having a collection. Can't get more yet, since I've to save up for my trip.

Poor friends, many are worried at the idea that I'm heading there on my own. My best friend keeps reminding me that I'm insane. Well, I've always wanted to try traveling on my own. It's a way to prove that I'm no longer 18 y.o. yet only 22 y.o. ;) Flying away with others can be a hassle sometimes. Oh and Chi, have you ever found something that I chose to do which you consider sane? hehe

And it's a little sad when timing sucks. I'd be flying off before Miji, who's moving to Switzerland. She won't be there anymore once I get back.

(was this an awkward entry due to the pics? =P Just to prove how crazy I am HAHAHA!!!) To those who watched Millenium 3, who noticed the oxygen nasal cannula on Lisbeth was upside down? And in M2, that the I/V drip was not working?!?!?!?

29.4.10

Fucking Assholes

1) Fed up of human beings and our selfishness. They can't compromise. I got their back. I save their ass while they use me as back-up. Then, when I'm asking for little compromise, it is just way too much to ask...it's too... out of their powers. Okay, and at the end of the day, I feel like an ass for being used and for letting myself being used. But at least, let's all make this worthwhile...ah no, well too bad, not today.

2) Fed up of human beings who can't assume their actions and feelings, even if they say they would.

3) I seriously need vacation. But hey, we got 5 new CEPI (nurses without license) and 6 externs (students) this summer...oh ho, who would spend her full summer teaching those newbies probably older than her? AND the whole unit is being reconstructed. Awesome noise.

4) I officially hate human beings.

5) I really need to have a good rest...cuz i'm cursing under my breath. Not funny. Just too much to handle.

p.s. (just an example among many) I can't even buy my plane tickets yet cuz my boss might need me to fill in for others for being a teacher and assistant-chief cuz others are either incompetent, sick, switched shifts, or on vacation. How about me in all this? Oh and I suck too much to let them down and not call in sick saying I'm six hours away and can't get to work for a whole week. Yeah...

22.4.10

April 14th 2010 - Save Yourself

I'll remember this day for a long time...

That day, I've decided to start my treatment that so many people are against of. Myself, I do not think that I absolutely need it, but if that's what it takes to finally put an end to it, I'm willing to take the risk. Little did I know...

Two days later, I've had my first nose bleed. It was expected among other sides effects, but I did not think they'd come so soon. I figured, maybe the dosage is too high for my metabolism so I took the initiative to take it every other day (without advising the doc, but the pharmacist is okay with it...whatever, nurses are known to be the hardest to treat, since we don't follow instructions). My eyes are also drier than usual, that being said, I normally already lack natural tears. Honestly, it feels as if I'm undergoing a cancer treatment course with all the side effects. I also have to take appointment with the doc every month to make sure I'm not under depression... ok, that just sounds very psychotic! But, I'd be okay.

Also, on that day, my parents whom are under an asian panic attack (that I do not want to elaborate), decided to transfer the car under my name. Instead of keeping the SUV (cousin, I decided to get a new car for the same price. Finally, it is our car and no more rent! I lost 4 evenings at Honda, time I could have used to study because of this issue. Parents are not doing so well, but keep it to themselves...I had to play the little mediator and share both point of views so that they can understand what's going on better. Isn't it amazing how communication sucks between human beings?


L'immatriculation est à mon nom...4 lettres 2 chiffres : 04 (j'ai même pas demandé)

I was not born to save people. I don't favor saving people who don't save themselves. On the top of everything, I want to save myself first. Right now, I'm exhausted. There is this much I can take. Yes I have undergone four years of psychology and sometimes. Some things can be more obvious to my eyes than to others, but it does not mean I'd want to tell, because it does not guarantee you'll listen or because I no longer care enough. Instead, if you'd rather choose to live in denial, fine by me.

Coming up to me for help, people do that easily. Regardless of when was the last time we talked and regardless of if we are friends, suddenly, I've become so in demand because of this girl I know you like, yet you can't admit it...all right. But at least, be decent enough to admit that you need me as a third-wheel when I directly ask you if that's the case. Yo, do I still seem so innocent to people's eyes?

Well hey...no, I can't feel her as my friend...even when she asks me to listen to her and give advices. Yeah, she sounded pitiful, but I'm not very sympathetic, I don't give my pity easily to anyone...so once you have it, it becomes very dangerous for me. Anyways, listening to her was like listening to a patient (but free)...why? 'Cuz I don't personally care.

I chose to become like this, because there is this much I can take and do. I'm saturated and can't no longer save anyone, barely myself.

Oh and I think I hate April. It's my month of trouble.
Always been always will,
truly yours.

10.3.10

Dresses Over Heels

Last week was spring break for high school students and we had the genius idea to look for bridesmaids dresses on St-Hubert street at the same time. I chose not to attend my 16 years old prom with my friends so I didn't have to go through this hassle. As much as I like shopping, I'm scared of crowds (crazy women) and get extremely critical with dresses. At a wedding or prom, I'm always amazed at how disastrous some girls look due to their choices (whatever with 'taste cannot be judged' idea). On prom pictures, often, I can't find a dress that I like: girls either look too tacky or too princessy. Most dresses are enormous with shiny things all over of different sizes: O.M.G. They actually do get bought!!! Girls, don't you know you are supposed to wear the dress, not the opposite?

At first, the bride and Linda (2 bridesmaids were missing that day) told me they prefer satin. All right, satin looks better on picture but it exposes all the flaws if you don't have a fit body. Satin also appears more sophisticated if the dresses are long compared to short. Well, I'd rather settle for chiffon dresses like below. They are more comfortable and I don't need to be as self-conscious while wearing it. Months ago, the bride said we can choose whatever dress we like. Colors and style did not have to match. Are you serious?

Another Greek Gods's like dress, I love the back.

This kind of front/tissue help for little boobs girls.

While shopping for my cousin's first house at Carrefour Laval, I stumbled on this dress but in red for 1/3 of its original price. It didn't catch my attention at first, as I was eyeing a pink satin long dress with a similar style. I only tried the red for fun, but cousin and sale assistants all agreed the red one fits me much better. There goes my first BCBG dress bought on sale, but the bride does not like it, as she says not everyone can pull it off. I won't wear it for prom neither as I think it's a little too much. I'll get get one of a dress I already have in my closet. It's just prom after all...


All Alfred Angelo's dresses

I like this one. I like Greek Gods' like dresses, however not everyone enjoys asymmetrical dresses and I did not see it in the store.

This dress was first seen by the bride. Initially, I didn't like it for the design underneath the boobs area, but once trying it on, this very simple dress was extremely flattering and cute, even with its bright blue color. I don't like the straps, so I would just cut them off. Being a shortie, the dress also falls below my knees. Immediately, I told the bride, I'd prefer it right above knees because dresses or coats that fall below knees make women shorter. And guess what? On Alfred Angelo's website, the model indeed wears it above knees! Yipee...no reason for me to fall head over heels at the wedding, or not?

The color was a little problem. Royal blue pops too much in pictures. The bride and us likes teal better, but it was not available in store to try on. Out of curiosity, I asked the sale associate if royal blue is the color for this year. Upon confirmation, I told her, "so teal was popular last year..." Then, she says, it is still popular this year with royal blue making a step in. I amaze myself sometimes...what would I have become if I chose a profession with colors instead of cares? Well, the more I look at the royal blue dress, the more I love it. In store, they sell this dress for 240$ CAN + tax. That made us go into another store and we found another cute no-name blue dress with larger straps (Linda and I don't mind strapless, but the two others bridesmaids prefer with straps) and an attachable bow at the waist area. We were ready to buy it since it was 150$ CAN + tax but in the end, they didn't have all our sizes so we left empty-handed. I'm so happy that the bride found a website that sells this Alfred Angelo teal dress for 100$ US!

Now, onto the shoes part. This zipper BCBG shoes are so ideal. (BTW groom & cie will be wearing silver ties.) But the price does not make sense as they cost 2-3 x the dress's price.



Instead, I stumble on these Brown's shoes (same price as the dress). I tried them on in store. They will kill me with the 9.5 cm heels. Size 8 was too big. The ankle part was also too loose, it was not adjustable, damn it. The only store that has in Quebec is in St-Bruno South-Shore. Seriously, you want me to get there? Right...Let's see if I can find a better pair until prom before ordering them. Hence, it would be a waste just to wear them once...but even without trying, I'm pretty sure the ankle part won't fit boohoo...




Ouff... Good Lord, long post with huge pictures! I'm so excited hehehe... Hopefully it would be like having some vacation days. I'll have my own hotel room on my own! It's like traveling alone (me want me want)...Linda will go with her boyfriend while all the other grooms dudes are at least 10 years older than us and already taken!!!!

If you are still reading this post, high five to you for having the courage reading through dresses and heels. Good Night!

Edit//10.0319 I brought two friends to the store with me and they ultimately agree that those heels are so much cuter in real life and... I fit perfectly in size 7! So yeah...just ruined myself today.

Creep Me Not

I just got home from a hockey(falling asleep)-and-talk evening with Chi's and my other 3 friends. A detail came out, which wasn't the point of the gathering, but ironically interesting enough to share. To talk about today, I need to take some steps back in time at different periods of my life.

Ten years ago, it was our first year in high school. Not too long after befriending with Jade, she told me at first, I was so scary that she didn't dare to talk to me. We met in the cooking classes. Two years ago, at work I met my really good friend, whom I talk to everyday since. She said at the beginning, I gave her a very serious face expression, making her felt so pressured not to make any mistake. About a year ago or two ago, Chi invited me to eat and study with her med school friends. One of them (P) is like an older brother to her.

Well, today, she told me that P said, "your friend is very out there, believing in herself (really?), being extrovert, while you're very in.... And you two are best friends?" We met no more than five hours (3h were used to study). I was surprise P got that first impression from me, because people are more likely to label me as introvert. Today, I still consider myself to be one, unless you get to know me better. I'm also stunned because I'm usually the one being step on, while Chi is better at protecting herself.

Also, I told her that we are friends since 7 years old, but we have never ever being alike. Anyone can ask us, I doubt we have an answer as to why we are best friends. At some point, I thought there was just time and friendship holding us together, because we had too many reasons and excuses to separate. She thinks very carefully before each step and would never go against her moral sense, while I can throw all that away just to do what I really want to do at that moment. (And let's not mention the consequences those choices can carry...)

Back to today, the main subject is Jade's new boyfriend (K). Chi asked all of us if we have ever being attracted to K. After denying, I shared that he told me on two occasions that I'm aggressive. Jade and Momo added that K told them I scare him. All right, he doesn't have to explicit announce it, I knew long ago. Let's say I'm too wild (I'm considered too well-behaved by my coworkers) for his platonic personality, boring must I say.

While we were at it, Chi also asked about our interest in T (cake guy). Nancy's funny reply was "he's not tall enough." I told them, there was some interest but I lost it, so Chi wanted to know why. Well, when a guy is interested in you, he would do what he can to spare time to be with you. As for me, when he said, "I want a cake or I want a coffee" or whatever excuse at whatever time of the day and then, I would suggest, "all right then, let's meet..." the only reply I'd get is "yeah, maybe, one day." The girls were surprised I took many initiatives (Jade says she'd have given up on the first try) and said "you're courageous, props to you." Maybe with time, I learned I have to run for opportunities and that relationships don't fall from the sky. Surely, it is easier for a girl to accept a guy who likes her than to 'go for it'. But I've never really enjoyed being loved more than loving. Nevertheless, you also need to know when to let go and this was that much I can do. T is not worth more. Also know that, you don't need someone to be happy.

Overall, the ironic part is, by adding all these situations, I guess I obviously scare people out on my first impressions. But you know what? I think I might like it. Maybe it's a way to protect myself, it creates a distance I need with some and not with others. Just as when I get together with my coworkers-friends, our conversations and jokes can terribly go X-rated and absolutely ridiculously funny, while it can be terribly zen with my old friends. And sometimes, it makes me wonder if first impressions are really always wrong or... do they hold some reliable truth?


And on a side note, it took me about a year to knit my own scarf, but it was finally done before winter! So soft I love it, but clumsy as I am, a tiny drop of coffee had stained it...