Stagnation Point

It feels like I'm stuck at this point in time. But I want things to be different. Come on, how many times have I left, then came back, to witness everyone and everything being exactly where I had left off? (Ok, I know nothing happens magically neither and I might need to move more than I already did.) Although some may have chosen a different path, but in the end, all I can see is the same story. I mean, I'm not quite at a girl's age in life where things can just stagnate there. Youth doesn't last and no, it isn't my biological clock tickling.

Since coming back, I've been trying to figure out what is it that was taken away from me...what is it, that is missing. What is it that makes a person hangs on, that I lost?
Hope
I can't no longer hope that something is happening for the best or that it will get better, no it won't. When you've been told to not expect and when you've told yourself oh too many times not to hope, eventually, it hits you to let go of what makes you hang onto life, doesn't it? I used to say it's impossible not to expect, because that would mean losing hope and if you don't have hope, how can you live a life for tomorrow?

I burst into tears at work last week. I was so mad for being yelled the whole day, for mistakes that weren't in my control just because the person needed to vent. They've never witnessed such a black face on me and I was holding it in, until Steve stroked my arm, telling me not to cry. That's when I couldn't stop for the next 20 min. However, the day before, a person dear to me left. The patient came in for a regular fracture, but developed many complications. I especially love elderly patients who still have their whole mental status intact and have the will to progress even with all the history they have. Probably, because I can find in them what I no longer have.

I've always said that I don't cry when someone dies, because I can't feel anything. It's all a lie. I took care of her at the very beginning of her hospitalization and on her last day that she became unconscious. She didn't want to die, not alone. Well, she wasn't because we managed to call the family members over. Fifteen minutes before the end of my shift, they asked what would I do if this person was my mom. They wanted to shorten their mom's pain. But, from what I could she, she wasn't in pain. Nevertheless, I sent her away with that shot of Morphine and by taking her O2 mask off, she left us not too long after. You know what it feels like? It feels like I've killed someone, even if 'it was for the best'. But nothing happens for the best in my point of view anymore.

And why is it that when you think you don't, you do? How can people be so convinced a relationship won't work even before giving it a chance? Or... what to do when they have chosen to try, then regret it, saying 'how could I know?'.