The Boys

WHAT a waste!!! Their beautiful wedding-like-gowns ripped off after five seconds. But I must say, wouldn't it be awesome to wear one of those kinds of wedding gowns so that by the end of the day, you can just take the bottom off and have fun? =)

Continuous

Life's funny sometimes. Having done all that, going from here to there and yet, somehow, it can still feel pointless. Being through moments of happiness, laughter, and tears then being required to open up my hands and let go... There's nothing else to say but comply.

I realized I need something more than daily work to fill up my days... to set a better goal. Maybe it's because I got used to studying and it got a sense of security stuck to it, that I've been looking through some micro-programs belonging to graduate degree, without actually wanting to go through the whole essay/thesis deal. Well, I don't quite have any other responsibilities other than me... no small human beings to take care of or any sort and parents don't quite count. Because seriously, Asian parents just won't listen to advices you got to say, regardless of your medical background and even if you've caught them on the spot of a unhealthy symptom. So after letting some tears out, I've decided as far as I can, to shut up and let them choose what they want to do, even if it isn't the best for them.

Anyhoo... I just want to be a little more worthy... a little more knowledgeable... a little better for those who'd need... To possess a reason to exist... to win.

My Sea Tank

About two weeks ago, I've gifted myself some company.To my unexpected happiness, I got babies Molly to take care of among the three others fishes (because the Gourami and Tiger Barb died not too long after they got home)...

They bring such a relaxing atmosphere. I can just stare at them, watch them eat, poop, chase after one another. Yesterday, I brought home a Diamond Tetra. He's actually my favorite, clear and shiny with a tiny red dot over his eyelid. He makes it seems so sad yet cute. I'm so worried he'll follow the other two footsteps... as he's trying to acclimate himself to the new environment, he just doesn't notice the food above him. Plus, the adult Mollies are so aggressively hungry all the time. Seriously, he must survive. But although they are fishes, they don't seem to cope very well on their own, except for some specific species.

I also have this old red Betta Alfred that today, I've finally decided to put him in with everyone else. He's so weak and doesn't appear happy at all in his small tank. Poor guy, he got so scared when the others approached him that he flew away to hide. Thank god, others don't seem to be attacking Alfred at all. I hope his days will be better from now on, for the very few he has left.

Once Again Goodbye

I wonder how many times have I said Goodbye already. It must be the first time I'm so upset borderline sad to board my plane. I've been away from home further and longer than this.
It's as if I know that by the time I get back, things would be really different. It's the parting part that gets a little difficult.... to say goodbyes to certain things or somebody.

This trip is considered the transition and somehow it is just sad to leave what has been there behind, because it's time to. I already miss Montreal somehow and it's not funny. As I'm not a big picture person and my old Sony camera had been getting on my nerves, I'm abandoning it from now on, taking with me a tiny all black and sexy Canon. Maybe, will I then show the pictures to friends.

Don't they say that the hardest goodbyes are those left unsaid...

I know I will miss what I used to have...even if it was only thin air.

Unsure

of what I should say sometimes. Or what it takes for people to take the words seriously. For instance, what does it need for 'Goodbye' to be taken more into consideration than a simple 'Bye'...for once and for all.

It's my problem if people tell me they are in love and I believe them? Then, what does it truly have to do with me...?

Don't you think that timing gives off such a love/hate feeling about itself? It goes against one's all will but then, I must admit, sometimes it does such a good job for everyone's best interest.

Such a fragmented blog post, but wanted to mention how it sucks that the last memories may not be the best left behind among them all after all these years.

Eventually, the bird flies away from its comfort zone to become a better being.

And a world made of women is terribly far from being ideal.

Looking forward to all those positives upcoming changes in October! Wippee!! Especially after wonderful vacations in September... And more issues to solve! Beautiful life, it is.

Transit

Didn't August fly by with a blink of an eye? Even Summer as it is. About a month ago I was in the US!!! I usually despise September, but this time, I only yearned for September to come quickly. I love the cool weather, even if I'd often mutter that I'm cold. But being cold is more comfortable than being sweaty, as I can wrap myself in a warmth blanket, because then, even if being stripped off of all the clothes, I'd still sweat. Yurk.

I'm not quite a girl who enjoys juggling with different phases of life simultaneously. Transitions are great if it's done smoothly. Changes aren't always a bad thing if you get to learn to cope with them. I'd rather take thing slowly but do it well, than forcing changes to fit within a month due to various constraints. Aside from some family issues that are not meant to be discussed, yet take-up a huge part of the stress, the prices for flight tickets to Europe keep on increasing in a short span of one week. Instead of leaving earlier and with a comfy direct flight, I was left with stopping by a friend's place first, then to fly back to Montreal from another city. After all, it's probably not a bad idea, since unexpected events are booked right before my flight. Probably unintentionally through parents' words, I felt guilty for taking off in a middle of a crisis. But September is my month of vacation, I've been expecting it since April... and it was too late to back off, the tickets were booked. I also want it to cut off between what happened in August and what will come up in October.

"When you're traveling,
You are what you are
Right there && then.
People don't have your past
To hold against you.
No yesterdays on the road."

Among all the changes, there is this thing about no more back to school, making me feel so old. The truth is, I will miss school somehow. I enjoy cultivation on my free will. But since I recently learned that by the time I get back from my trip, I will move to the ICU, it's somehow a compensation for the lack of schooling. The intense training will start off. The co-chief gave me a huge binder filled with papers, warning me it will require lot of effort. Of course, I tried to reassure her it should be okay, since it's as if I'm following again one of my undergrad class. Holy cow, the last time I was obliged to work full time was three years ago. The good new is that I won't have to bring along my uniforms, all provided by the unit, hehe. I'm soooo expecting this!!!

Seriously, if I could choose, I'd erase one or two stuff on the to-do list. Sometimes, you stick around and do certain things over and over again because you set yourself comfortable into the situation...but when it doesn't matter much anymore...and when it becomes along the line of :

"No reason to stay is
A good reason to go."

Then...

ICU

Remember I said I applied to a few new positions within the CHUM and one of them is in labor room. I received a call from HR today, telling me I got the position in ICU at HDM. The one involving newborns is taken. I told the HR lady that I'm not too sure yet. It has been going quite okay on my floor currently, including the relationships with the staff and my boss. In about a month from now, I'll have an interview with the Switzerland nursing agency. The little bug with the ICU is that it functions like the McGill (English) system. The shifts happen to be 12 hours and I will be on rotation, which means I will be obliged to work nights. God knows I don't do night shifts well.

On the other hand, I'm very interested into the training ICU gives. Plus, I will have a schedule of 8/15 days. It's perfect. I guess might as well do it. But why do I feel like I'm betraying my boss. Geez.

On a complete different note, my best French friend is pregnant (also a nurse)!!!! She's been seeking advices and tips for the past couple of months (as if I was ever pregnant..ah hum) and finally, it worked! She did the home test on her birthday. Woah gosh, this baby will be a charm. It'll be funny if she carries twin, as it runs in her boyfriend's family. *wink* The best part is that the baby will probably a March baby dragon! Isn't it awesome, somebody to remind her of her Asian friend once she goes back home? The baby will also have dual nationalities. *LOVES IT* If I can ever choose or be lucky like her, I'd also rather not carry a big tummy during the hot summer, just to prevent worsening the feet swelling like a pig's.

USA in 2011

As far as my memory can go, I have not set foot into USA ever, even if I have family in that country. I've never been very fond of the Americans... But about a month ago, after being asked how come I've never been to NYC, I headed there for a weekend. To my surprise as I was about to get into the bus, who did I spot in the waiting line? The ex! Oh hello there, it has only been three years since we last met.

I did not enjoy much tourism as the focus, especially for my friend, was to shop. However, spending like three hours in the same store is too overwhelming for me. I get grumpy from thirst, hunger, and boredom. I'm quite disappointed at NYC's people's fashion (and obesity), probably because I was expecting more. God... how do you reach to that point as an average within the population is quite fascinating.

That being said, as my ex and I parted after the trip, we did say we must keep in touch. As far as I'm concerned, it's the type of promise I rarely managed to keep or is it because it just lose its meaning after a while?

Then, soon enough I will be heading to Atlantic city with a friend. I can't recall how we ended up with this plan as it doesn't even fall within my vacation. At first, he insisted on inviting others to tag along, but it happened just like I expected and nobody could make it except us. Well, initially my best friend was supposed to go to Atlantic city too, but it got canceled and again due to some timing issue, she may not come with us neither. He also insisted to book 2 different beds, even if I told him 'you know nothing will happen anyways, what are so scared of?'.

Now comes the annoying parts. I've no idea how he managed it but goes around telling his colleagues (who are my indirect colleagues), that we're going on a road trip together. Basically, my mornings started like this: "Why you didn't tell me that you are going on vacation with ____?" or "So are you ready for your honeymoon with _____". Oh, because I didn't mention this, but his colleagues have been pretending that we are an item for the last two years or so. Everyone is having so much fun!! (sarcasm) I even have a mother-in-law. Then, goes my very friend, "Helene, you know when you get back, if.... *got cut off*" "Yes, I will tell you if something happened." Nance says that if we end up being a real item, all she can say is, 'y'étais temps'. --.-- ' Not to mention at today's birthday party, he said to a stranger, "ah yes I'm going on a trip with this lady over there". (mais quasé ça lui fait à celle-là qu'elle sache ça? On s'en fou-tu?) Of course, we got granted the question of if we are dating, to which one of us always have to deny every single time. And I thought he hates exposure.

It actually seems very nice when he would be like "We'll do whatever you want to do or I want you to be there not to sleep but to enjoy, etc." I do have a bad habit of falling asleep all over the places. The bubble just terribly popped when he refused to pick me up at my house on the departing day and instead said that he'd ask his dad for a wiser option. Seriously? FYI, he's at WEST of the hwy40 and I'm more on the EAST side, but both are at the same level of the hwy40. He does remind me of my ex sometimes with the same immaturity, only my ex and I were sixteen at that time.

While others have given up on him, I still try without putting much effort. They say it's useless and that they don't understand why I do this. It is difficult for me to simply give up on friendship...

He's the kind of friend, when I sob all over the place or pout all day, to make me laugh without doing anything special. Colleagues have been telling each other to call him on the floor when I'm frustrated over work. However, I've been a bit low-spirited these days... unrelated to anything very actual and it's nothing that will stays for very long, but it still removes the happy-go-lucky atmosphere, I feel. You know...when you just don't want to talk and music/silence have been your best friends. Yes.

Edit//11.07.19

So I sms'ed him about how I will be working till midnight previously to the trip.
S: Ok. so you gonna sleep at the hospital?
Me: No, I work at HSCM not HDM. I never sleep there. (I'm not a resident why would I even sleep at the hospital? And it's not even my motherland hospital).
S: Oh okay, cuz HSCM is closer to my place.
Me: (freaking enraged) Where would you want me to sleep? So you want me to drag my luggage to HSCM and not shower before departure?

Of course, he did not replied back. Does he even think before he says something? And I thought guys were logic beings or the see-the-big-picture kinds. I just don't get it, he'd rather do all the way to whatever hospital I'd be, than do the extra 10 min on the hwy to reach my house? Plus, all of these ridiculous fights over lifts that we have. Because we have been arguing almost everyday since we booked the hotels, a coworker said, "you two are like a couple, except you don't have sex". Yep, I've thought about that too. It's like friends with benefits minus the physical benefits. Anyhoo, I'm on the verge of telling him 'fuck off, go on alone'. It's already like this without being on the trip yet. I also tend to wake up early and sleep kind of early when on vacations in order to maximize my days (especially when it's not safe to hang out in the cities alone at night). He says he's the complete opposite.

The texting happened while I was having dinner with my guy friend. He says how S is so socially awkward that he will end up leaving me behind. Way to go buddy, I doubt very much he's that low. LOL. Even that, it won't be the end of the world. Actually, I bet he'll say, once we get to MTL, I'm not driving you home (even with all the luggage). That could happen. Phew.

Torn Between Two

If only it could be about two equally awesome boys, wouldn't life be so great? But no, it has to be about two settings and friends.

I recently got contacted by Eurocare, an agency that recruits Quebec nurses for Lausanne, CH (Switzerland), without having sent my CV out anytime in 2011. It actually goes back to 2009, when I needed to get away. As time goes by, I've lost my interest in it. I do have a friend stuck there for an extra three years since she has subscribed for a special training worth 14K. If she backs off in the midst of it, she will have to repay back the tuition fees. Throughout those two years, few things got accomplished finally and I've redirected my interest towards Vancouver and even in Montreal itself.

My best friend has back off from the idea of doing her residency in Vancouver. She says we do not have any substantial reasons to work there beside wanting to escape from here. I agree, but to me that's an eligible reason. As to why I'd rather go West instead of Europe, it's because even if it's all in my head, Vancouver is closer to home (as there are about 2h of flight time difference). Also, Europe is a great place for vacations, but I can't picture myself establishing there even for just one year. As short as a year is, that one year will turn into the longest ever. Nonetheless, I have a nurse friend (who's ironically in conflict with my chipmunk buddy) who's very interested in Vancouver too.

The other option is to buy a small condo in Montreal as an investment. They are destroying buildings to built up an American-shopping-center-hospital-lookalike as well as condos for primarily the staff. As far as it goes, Economy is still pretty bad (USA related), so the interest remains low, it's quite an opportunity right now as it will certainly rise by 2013.

I can't do this much even in 3 years and oftentimes, I enjoy doing things slowly but well although I work fast. I want Vancouver, but I got scheduled for interviews for CH and for meeting the director of Ortho and Plastic surgery ('cuz that's my current specialty) . Gosh, what did I put myself into? What should I choose? I'd end up with flip the coin, face or tail? And let's not forget this detail, the parents are very against Vancouver, may give in for CH, but would rather pick Montreal. It's not even them who's moving around. Of course, as the daughter, I have to like what they are against the most.

Did I even mention my boss has become super buddy-buddy with my friend and I because we were slacking off work for over two weeks right in her face (teaching newbies get to order them around, just kidding)? Yep, so I emailed her today knowing she's flying off Thailand tomorrow for a recommendation letter for CH people. Isn't it just so odd asking your boss to help you move out of her unit via an email when you see her everyday at work? But that's not an issue, since she replied she promises to do it once she gets back.

Gosh, it has been so humid here in MTL for the past few days. I'm already super sweaty at 8h00 and just realized today, I do not like Summer! I enjoy the sun, like rainy days, but can't do the season, especially this year. I'd still walk around with a coat on sometimes. I miss my scarfs. Go figure. Summer time has gone by fast, but it won't slow down until November, because my plans only go that far for now. I want September.

Laser

Who the heck says that it is painless must have wreck nerves. Bought a coupon for the treatments months ago, but didn't start it until about a month ago. Therefore, I paid around 1/3 of the regular price. It's insane how people can pay over a thousand for this. It feels like somebody pinching then twisting the skin, OUCH. It especially hurts there. It doesn't last long though. I have friends who do laser on their arms and underarms. They claim to be in pain. I tried the underarms once and it feels uncomfortable but still bearable. It gets painful only on the last shot. All this to be hassle free once the sun comes out. It works very well with Asian since it's dark hair over light skin. It also makes everything less high maintenance, so I do recommend this technique.

Talking about hair... For the past seven years, I carried around virgin black hair then got struck by I-need-a-change moment, so spontaneously, I got my little cousin over to work on my head. The elder sister called me crazy to let a noob play with my hair. But hey, I'm that risky and it gave a beautiful result, even professionals were surprised. Colleagues say it makes me look more...lady-like. Yep. 'Cuz apparently black hair made me seemed too immature. Go figure.

OB-GYN

Somehow, I made myself believe that I'd love OB-GYN and it has been obsessing me as days go by since I've applied for new positions. Newborns, no matter what, will thrive for life. Regardless of them having congenital diseases or being unable to cry, they will still hang on and only know that they must survive. Unlike some adults who wouldn't care for themselves, newborns make it always worthy of our care. Also, being by mothers' side who share the same heartbeat with their baby for 30 weeks, having them all worried and curious yet overwhelmed by joy, makes it so magical. Those people will cry happy tears and bring back hope that I've lost somewhere on my current unit. It is a mutual move. That's how nursing works, we get back from our patient as much as we give.

I'm aware, it will be disastrous when I'd have to give birth to stillborn and have its family weep all over. Nevertheless, OB-GYN seems to always give its 100% in what it does. At the end of the day, happiness wins over than its counter party. It feels awesome when our job is all about protecting such a small life and its mother at all cost.

The best friend is having her training in OB-GYN right now and she's loving it. Always wondering what she should choose between OB-GYN and Peds, I've recommanded her OB-GYN, but maybe it's because I was never fond of peds. Anyways, who knows, maybe one day we will be working together for real... because as of now, she removed the idea of doing her residency in Vancouver. Hence, along with some other personal issues, I might be forced to delay my idealistic plans.

I may have mentioned this medical drama before. I've watched it and it is on the run again. The cases are made much more realistic than some American medical series. Plus, the male lead although being younger than the lead actress has such a sweet smile and caring personality in the drama. Must watch! Obstetric and Gynecology(viet dubbed). All right, I've been shamelessly trying to figure out how to download these episodes, but can't. Sniffle.

This is for the often forgotten fathers out there...Happy Belated Father Day. "Any guy can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a father."

La boss et compagnie

Yay pour l'augmentation d'échelons! Et ça s'arrête bien là. Les problèmes ont toujours été présents, seulement ils semblent prendre plus de place depuis que j'y suis plus souvent. J'ai bien atteint la limite de ma patience pour ce département.

L'autre jour, j'entend une préposée aux bénéficiaires hurlée dans le corridor 'Crissss' et je la dévisage avec 'mon dieu', s'en suit des répliques comme quoi je n'ai pas à lui dire 'mon dieu' si je ne connais pas le contexte duquelle la conversation se trouve. En fait, elle se plaignait comment le travail sur l'étage est lourd, mais quel manque de professionalisme, ce ne sont pas tous les patients autour d'elles qui souffrent de démence!!! Après, elle ose m'accuser? Ah, parce qu'il n'y a que seulement elle qui travaille bien sûr. Les préposés prennent deux pauses de 15 min et un dîner de 60 min, tandis que les infirmières commencent 15 min plus tôt, ne prennent pas de pause et coupent le dîner à 45 min. La même préposée a décidé à 15h30 (on termine à 16h) qu'elle en avait assez fait et que les gens de soir recoucheront les patients assis aux fauteuils (depuis plus d'une heure) plus tard. N'oublions pas que certains ont eux leurs hanches ouvertes la veille.

Dans tout ça, ma boss est au courant, mais ne semble pas agir fortement. Je ne peux pas lui en vouloir plus que cela, je suis certaine qu'elle est autant désespérée. Malheureusement, au lieu de renvoyer les parasites, les hôtes quittent d'écoeurentisme. Elle est incapable d'avoir plus de contrôle sur son personel, ce qui est désolant. Celle qui remplace Bailey temporairement n'aide pas à la cause.

J'ai relativement une bonne relation avec ma boss, sachant qu'elle me parle de sa vie privée, me demande des conseils sur les voyages, etc. Lorsque j'ai fini ma session d'école, elle m'a demandé si j'allais faire ma matrîse. Je lui ai répondu, 'T'es folle?" S'en est suivi des "Je sais que tu vas faire ta maîtrise. " "Non!" "Oui, tu vas faire ta maîtrise. J'ai plein de poste de cadres à t'offrir. Ça ne te tente pas? " "Non!" En bon Anglais, "Are you insane?! Seriously. Me?" D'ailleurs, le monde est tellement petit: sa mère est la directrice d'un programme à ITHQ, école dont mes deux cousines ont fréquenté.

La boss ne sera pas très contente quand elle saura que j'ai appliqué sur de nouveaux postes, qui sont ouverts à l'intérieur du CHUM, y compris la salle d'accouchement et en mère-enfant! Il y a des coupures de postes et ils ont voulu couper le mien et celui d'une autre. Ma boss s'est apparement battu pour les conserver, disant que je remplace Bailey de temps en temps. On m'a fait la remarque que je ne jubilais pas assez à l'idée de conserver mon poste, jusqu'à ce que la collègue comprenne que j'avais pas l'intention d'y rester éternellement. En fait, je ne suis pas nécessairement dans la position de perdante si jamais les choses s'étaient dérouler comme prévues par les cadres.

Bref, nous verrons bien, j'ai tout de même l'intention d'y rester jusqu'à la fin de mes vacances, car cela fait trop de changements à gérer en même temps. Savez-vous qu'infirmière est comme une mère. Il faut dire aux médecins (ouais, on dit aux médecins quoi prescrire...), à la pharmacie, à l'entretien ménager, aux préposées, aux patients, à la famille et même à ses propres collègues quoi faire. Juste pour ça, j'espère ne pas finir avec un copain dont je dois aussi lui dire ce qu'il faut faire!!!

Tumbler part 1

Stumbled and bookmarked one in particular, then collected a few. Not keen into possessing one, so re-posting some over blogger, with credits attached... Did I even make one full sentence here, minus this one?

Especially, like this one because I often did this before an important exam. While I haven't finished studying, I'd tell myself that I will wake up early to continue. Often times, I just kept my blanket on, for having stayed in bed studying too late few hours ago.














I either did, still do, or say these things.

R and N's wedding

My feet are dead; just came back from a friend's wedding. A very small and cozy almost all DIY wedding. It had six tables. We had fun regardless of barely no work from MC and relatively noob DJ. I wouldn't mention the food. Keep in mind that I am a picky person regarding weddings. Chateau de Vaudreuil was a great choice of setting. I've learned that the groom and bride decided to make a more intimate wedding and invite people who are close. The irony here is, indeed, she had promised me three years ago that she would invite me to her wedding, if that was to occur, however we did not keep in touch during those past three years. I'm flattered that she remembered.

When I agreed to attend, I expected to bump into a guy whom I've *kindly* or rather coldly shoo off three years ago. I'm so amazed at how we didn't change. I mean, it wouldn't have worked back then, it wouldn't now neither. Although a very gentleman, he still behaves like glue and doesn't get what repetitive no stands for. To insist once or twice is all right, but it had been ten times I said I don't want to dance now (due to the music sucks or the dance floor sucks), why did you still have to insist and grabbed the arm and pulled it, geez?

To make matters worse, he has to say:
- "You don't want to dance with me." (That wasn't a question but a statement, right? What's the point of mentioning it then if you know the answer."
- "Why you seem to be so scared of me whenever I approach you?" (Erh, because you make me feel uncomfortable?)
- "I've added you on facebook back then but you've never accepted the request." (Uh-huh, and do you get the reason why? Anyhoo, another request will land on me soon I suppose.)
- "Do you still live on _______" (How come you still remember all these?!)
- "Since the newlyweds have to fly off, they gave me the nuptial room for free. Why don't you all come up?" (It was nothing sexual, but no?)

Doesn't he know that certain obvious issues are sometimes best left unsaid? Thanks lord, another guy and my buddy were there so we were never really left together alone!!!! Can't he just be like a man and keep a certain distance, we're not really friends. T'es dans ma bulle, en bon Français! Doesn't he know girls like bad yet good boys, because they think they can change them? Well, that doesn't mean that it works for me but...

On a side note, my friend and I decided to hit real dance floor afterward as we were left with way too much extra energy. Now, either we got too old or at 2am, these males who have yet to find a partner are seriously in need to get laid, because it wasn't two minutes we set feet inside, I got my arm grabbed and pulled over then someone else just decided to put his hands around my waist as I was still walking, that freaked me out. Let's not mention other trivial moments. My friend ended up buying a bottle of water and wasted half of it pouring on those guys, so hilarious. (We were still in our wedding attire so no, we weren't dressed inappropriately.) As we headed to the exit door, I noticed four couples grounding each other against the counter, as in having sex through clothes literally, just get out, get a room, and get naked for god' sake! It has always been an eyesore for me even when I was younger.

Regardless, it was an awesome day. Photos will be up soon, regardless of this arrogant entry of mine. I have to mention that we went through many U turn and even got lost and even ended up in South Shore (Chateauguay) as we were heading West. Yep...

Stolen Car

We should be able to feed car with water instead of gasoline, but then the price of water will only rise. About two weeks ago, it cost me around 75$ to tank up my car (1/4 full), that's me feeling like I should split my share of using it along with the insurance fees. Four days ago, very early in the morning, Dad woke me up asking if I took the car. Obviously, I didn't since I was still in bed. That's how all the story happened. Good lord it was my day off. There, I went outside to look for the car, but the day earlier, when I came back home around 23h, the car was still there. Called the cops, the insurance company, and the Honda store.

What frustrates me the most is the insurance fees would probably rise. I mean, if the car was 5 years old and got stolen, of course I'd be happy to get a new one 'for free'. However, this car is barely over 1 year old and it has only 8 500 km!!!! Another annoying detail is that I'm convinced each glass on the car was engraved with YUL_serial numbers. The problem is... neither us or the store has the official paper, hence nobody knows what the numbers are. A year ago, I wasn't in a very stable state to buy a car and didn't know what were the required papers. Honda says if we got them engraved, we didn't do it there. I remember clearly we agreed to have them engraved because the seller said it was an obligation!!! Anyways, at the bottom line, the car is still MIA.

I was pretty much very relax when I had to deal with authorities. In between phone calls, I tried to catch up on my sleep but would get waken up everytime I fall back into my comfort. By 14h, when the cousin called to chat, I burst in anger and then grumpiness followed for the rest of the day. It wasn't their faults, but people chose that day to call in to talk. When telling my friend the story and saying how grumpy I got, he said he probably has never 'seen' me like this, but upon hearing my voice, he says I sound like usual. Yes, it is that burning fire inside when I don't get enough sleep : first mood killer on my check list.

By today, still no new of the car. We got another one at Discount and I hate it. It's as big as my Accord 2010, but the accelerator requires more strength to produce the same speed. I hate big car. Can't see, can't park, can't get out of a parking...excuses you would say. I know. Let's do this : tiny girl = tiny car? Sniffle. What's with a so big trunk, no need to manufacture them so big it's not like we plan to put in two corpses in there.

So to alleviate the mood and rewards myself for my courses, I spend. A lot. This is only a tiny tiny bit of it. Canadian Tire is a headache-ing store, but I've always wanted a hand mixer for making porridge and cake (very useful for baby's food). I had to drive to two stores before picking up one which wasn't my first choice, but got 40$ off so I guess that's it. I'm so eager to try them out. That would have to wait till the next off day.

Actually, I got this way before my birthday but couldn't wear them out due to the weather. The heels are at the perfect height. I love the beige nude color and peep toe: so sexy. It's so comfortable. Went out for a nice birthday dinner with the girls!

Nancy works for H&M and they had bikinis for 6$ that day and splurge on 3 (mind you, she got 6). I love the black and white the most. There are no pads and the top attaches with a zipper!!! Uh oh! We made a pact that once summer really hits, we must go to the beach at least once a month. Oh yeah... right. Nonetheless, they will be lovely when I'm on vacation!

Hiya, Stranger

I had planned to jump into a straight 8 days work, but got today off in the end. I am still wondering what I used to do for time to fly so fast, but today it's more than boo-ring. It's not really about needing someone to hang out with, but more like having something to bring my day to an useful level. Now, it feels like it has been wasted. So sorry, but watching movies all day, I can't no more. That being said, the girl used to enjoy doing nothing. When your days start early, you even have time to enjoy life with friends after work. On a day like today, when there is no school, no work, no chores, no date... I mean, I think I can very well work every single day without being as exhausted as before.

As soon as the heaviest weight came off from my shoulders last week, it seems like all the surrounded burdens are much more bearable. I had a happy April 2011 (still waiting impatiently for a grade), but overall, it is thanks to the loved ones. I'm not the type to focus on one single thing, hence work only wouldn't do for me. I'm eager to start this summer statistics class. Yes, that sounds like the highlight of my upcoming summer. I will miss school although I hate exams.

Homemade production, lovely. Watch it.

I suppose, not all relationships end and start this way.

Got lost on our way to an outing for my birthday, but nice view. I love staring at the stars, that are invisible to the eyes in the city. I wasn't driving, fell asleep in the car though. I ended up baking food without recipes on hands (no network), but friends loved it. Now, there are 3 sentences my ears burn whenever they hear it. Can't do. Oh, and let me give you a bit of a preview. We were five there: two couples and me. Each couples wanted to invite one of their male friend for a match-up?
A) Met 2 times, too obvious, annoying.
B) No idea how you look like and always hear about you. But why do you have to be frustrated because you couldn't make it?


1) 'Hey, you're so ready to get married.' Hello?! I'd be dating already if that was the case!!!
2) - Attending doc asks, 'Who's the boss today?' -Friend/colleague answers, 'The youngest here!'
Hun, you got to move on...it will soon be a year already that I do this and there's nothing marvelous to brag about, because I'm still authority-less over my colleagues. Yet, that is not the point. I like the sharing of power and knowledge, hehe.
3) -Patient asks, "Are you new here?" to which I now answer: "Well, you don't know who I am, but I know who you are from charts." Then, have the friends laughing at how annoyed I sound whenever that happens.

I guess, it's only an age contraction thing and that I'm looking for trouble where there is not. It just a bit pissed off when everyone thinks you're so young and have all that and on the other hand, you think time is catching up yet you're still empty handed. Why is that the grass looks greener on the other side?

Aging

It's days like today that I'd rather be a full time worker instead of being labeled as student. We've having this on-going project for two semesters and it is finally coming to an end. We want to strive for more volunteers services within our community in Parc-Extension for the elderly. I drew this while taking care of a cousin on emotional crisis over the phone. Can you see the A and E? They stand for 'Aging Well, Aging Equitably'. Quite proud of myself that it became the project logo. I should come back to those activities that lift up the mood, oh, how it has been so long since I picked up my carbon pencils and white papers. All right, I don't really want to be pessimist, but I doubt this project alone can increase the funds to add services into that community who barely has the will to learn French even after 40 years away from their country. Yes, I'm also so done my clinical Mondays at the CLSC, thank God, because I can't stand that population anymore. They speak to me in Indian randomly in the streets, they ask if we know Greek, and they believe that pills alone will do miracle. They refuse to learn the native language and say that their country is so much better. Then, why don't you just go back there? In hospital, patients are forced to abdicate by the protocols because well, they are hospitalized, right? But in daily life, I sincerely hope that everyone can take better care of themselves and not just rely... I can't help, but hate it to care for those who have the power to change, to be more healthy, who are given all resources possible, yet still refuse to make their lives a better place. Fatalistic much?

On a side note, still debating if I should buy some grads pics. They are F-Ugly and I don't quite have a use of them. The girl just wants her diploma.

Edit// 10.04.01

Hectic week, it's finally Friday. After spending around 12h/day everyday this week, we've finally put together the whole project. I'm amazed at those people who can spend so much time in front of a computer. It's freaking hurt the head and dry the eyes. I've never gotten so close to politics in my life before; this nursing class is seriously something. I've also gotten so exhausted that there was no more patience left and so angry, that I couldn't conceal it. Maturity certainly doesn't come with age, does it? We had to give a participation mark for each member and someone got a passing grade. Obviously, she wasn't content with it and demanded a change, but we had a hard time finding the criteria that could be used to pull up her mark . I almost got a perfect mark and do not think that I deserve it.

Protect What Is Precious

Have you noticed on March 19th, how big, close, and yellow the Moon was to Earth? It wasn't a moon illusion. It was the closest in the past 18 years. It was beautiful, but had this nostalgic feel on that clear dark sky.

A friend sms'ed me today saying how I haven't been very happy these past weeks.
Had a dinner with my best friend and cie this Saturday, she said, "Quelque chose ne va pas et ce n'est pas juste la fatigue. [Silence] Okay, tu ne veux pas en parler...?".

No, I don't want to, especially not today. You just naturally become careful. The more it goes, the more everyone proves me right. There are some matters that are only between two people and should stay like that. I can't help it, but up to this day, there are still some things I want to protect. It's true I haven't been the happiest, but there was no need to make an insignificant matter worse, even if you are my dear friends (let alone being mean to each other in an unsubtle way). And because of that, for you were by my side when I needed company, I can't be mad at you. But I'm not grateful for what just occurred, even if the intention wasn't evil.

3 steps to move on: CTRL+ALT+DEL. CTRL yourself. Look for ALTernative solution. DEL the situation that hurts you.

I know, nobody gives a shit and I should be indifferent, since people have other priorities. But, I care, so why hide it? In the end, those words are taken offline. Somehow apologetic and don't need to explain why, so here it goes. This is as real as it can get, even if it's scary. It's my only way to feel better. Today, even my preceptor was scared of me. I had this killer 'don't breath too hard or you're dead' glare and seriously, couldn't laugh at any joke anyone made, only forced smiles. I completely lost appetite today, after going through over 4 days of nausea, indigestion & Gravol, Maalox. Geez. It's not like C-diff and Gastro aren't running around the workplace.

For the record, I'm a little mad, but we're still going to hang out this week as scheduled. How can some stuff go so overboard without my consent is beyond my understanding, but I'm not holding anything against anyone. I wish I could be with Miji in Switzerland right now. A friend who knows well... I miss you. I'm aware of my bad tendency to want to fly off whenever I'm troubled. Then everytime I come back, I'd realized it had solved nothing. That's the beauty of it. =)

A Sense Of Belonging

My best friend and I are both wearing bangs around our fingers. Hers is really a graduation one and let's say mine is too.

We got entangled in the kind of routine that let's us speak to each other for hours, but barely once a month; the friendship seems fine now. She didn't meet the others since September. The other day, she said how fun it is to be able to complain (talking about her new 'job') to someone who understands and being the only one who laughs... she had remained behind her schedule to stay with me at the hospitals.

For over the past years, she would mention about how she wished she could marry and have kids, so much that I don't feel like saying, 'me too'. I wonder if it's because of our jobs, but we get sort of stuck in time, especially her. Hence, many people who are in the middle of their med school residency, sometimes already have a family. I envy them. I dare you say we're still young.

Along the way, I sort of ended up taking this path instead, but there are times I wished I could tie the knot and bear a child instead of figuring out where I would fly off to next. Yes, even at 22 years old, I want to have a family of my own and then enjoy life, not on my own but together. To have dear people who really belong to me and just me.

It's not about dating or being not single, because when I don't make it too hard, I still enjoy and struggle day by day by myself. Time goes by too fast to agonize over your day for too long anyways. I used to think that I'm a wife material, but somehow that idea isn't working anymore. I mean, I guess I never had it to begin with. It's quite a shocking thing I realized somehow recently due to some circumstances. I can't grasp the reasons behind it yet, it's just a deceiving feeling.

Pray and Flip The Coin

When faced with two choices, toss a coin.
It works not because
It settles the question for you,
But because the second
You throw the coin in the air,
You know exactly what you want...

Can you spot the spelling mistake? Unless there's really a country under that name...

Disasters always happen in the world, don't they? Japan vs. US: Karma?
Do you believe in Karma? Both of my arms are opened to embrace it. I'm waiting for it to hit me hard. I used to go to the temple for Têt but couldn't make it this year due to a snowstorm. I need to spare some time a Sunday I don't work...to redeem sins. I'm thankful to have a job that allow me to help people. It just seems easier to ease the guilt inside, when you can save the more unfortunate ones.

It is pretty easy to say, 'Do what you really want to (before the opportunities pass)', but is it because those people never had to take any responsibility afterward or because those people are like me and don't learn (or maybe the priorities are set wrongly)? Truthfully, the issues are rarely the before or the meanwhile. The more fierce the situations get, the trace left behind is...

It always seemed like you had forgotten how tedious it was to pick the pieces up after the mess is done and would repeat the process over and over again. After a little while, you'd think you sort of get used to it, so it seems to be a little easier, but it isn't. You can't be trained. When there is something to protect and require you to shield away from your own support, you do it. It isn't so bad to stand up on your own, because in the end, there's just you to pull yourself up and remove the stains. It's what's grown-up do. Nonetheless, I heard there would have been a lot to miss. Just... I wished that everytime, I didn't have to do it all by myself.

I'm honestly not angry or sad, I'm just a little upset. I'm almost thankful and am apologetic as usual. It's a little annoying, being me... let alone being with me. I know, haha. Thanks god, shopping exists, because I spend like a mad woman in those times.

March : Bored my ass off

After I spent a sleep deprived weekend, then fell asleep at 19h30 yesterday, I woke up at 9h00 today to this :

Somehow, it doesn't feel like the last snowstorm. I like snow, but a bit sick of it now (can't wear anything but pants and boots!!! Plus, it's very slippery outside and going up and down McGill campus is a sport). Despite this, I have to grab my ass and go to free working at CLSC. Now, the amazing thing is, my cardiologist cousin's wife is working here as family doctor, while he works at HDM, but I've never bumped into him once since the past 3 years. We just don't have that fate with some people sometimes.

Currently at the CLSC, Yen is bored so Yen is updating her blog while listening to some arythmias class. Yen has a craving for vanilla yogourt self mixed with berries and cereals. Shall Yen go do some groceries?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...
Or forgetful.

I took over the boss's job this weekend. Luckily for me it was quite relax behind the front desk and as someone said, "quand j'y pense, c'est calme juste quand c'est avec toi..." Is it because I don't look for trouble or maybe because I'm lazy and don't do anything, but I doubt it as my friend says, "t'es juste boonnnneee". Yeah, right. I lack experience, it's not like I don't know. That's what I told my nurse preceptor who put pressured on me to apply at the CLSC. She claims I'm capable and would recommend me. Geez, everyone (except them) knows that I can't picture myself working at the CLSC. But guess what? I waver so easily that I applied for the recruitment day after all, yet very well aware that I'm going to stay at HDM at least for my vacations in Sept.

Ah yeah, Sunday morning I came in late at work and suprisingly enough, my colleagues didn't really care as I still showed up. She even told me to take my time to get ready as she wasn't in a hurry. It has its perk when you have an ill free relationship with all your colleagues!!!! They cats fight in front of you and you just leave that behind for your own lunch break. LOL

OMG, a collegue just said to another one, "c'est pas dur faire du ménage à moins que tu baises pendant que tu fais le ménage." Eeeehhh...then i wanted to reply with something but kept it to myself. Wild people.

One atypical conversation with a patient who keeps moaning and saying 'oh yeah'... "You have the touch, eh? Got to be careful with you. "

Turns out, I was only doing wound care on his leg!!!

Winter to Summer : Don't Want An Ending

My cousin's French boyfriend came by and we had a macaroons craving. They're nice. Nancy and I tried to make some during a group New Year trip, but failed miserably. I never tried it again, while she did and after the 3rd attempt, it was finally a success. Speaking of the New Year Chalet, we spent time cooking and eating and ended up with leftovers. A friend brought back some and told me his mom and brothers loved what I made. Kekeke, always so content when the family loves it!

I started off winter with wanting to buy a black winter hat, but ever found one that was worth the fit/money. Also, always wanted to get the Olympics one, but never bothered looking and it was out of The Bay. Also, I couldn't bring myself to wear any McGill Nursing Apparel, so I opted for the gloves instead. They are so comfy and warm. That's mostly how my winter went by. How was yours?

My friend and I were monitoring the trip packages prices everyday for a whole month, just like watching stocks. Oh my god, I do not want to do this again, buying tickets 3-4 days before your departure is a very bad move. I did organize my own trip to France last year 3 weeks before departure and almost everything went smoothly but...

I hate having to wash my bikinis when being away. So I got myself these three new bikinis because I forgot to bring back my white bikini after my friend's wedding, the top of the pink one broke apart when I was wearing it back in Cuba and it is still not fixed. I've always wanted a classic black one, loving this one with its tiny details.

This trip reminds me how I hate being on an aircraft. Every forceful attempt of falling asleep was being cut off. My body hated it, should just have endured the 4 hours flight in the middle of the night without dozing off. But what do I have to complain? All we ever did was breakfast, burn, lunch, nap, burn/cooling in the sea, read/nap, snack, read/nap, dinner, reading, sleep.

Nancy got me addicted to Sam Tsui's covers. He sort of has a high pitched voice for a guy, so I find it doesn't fit some covers. It feels better with 'Don't want an ending'. Let's me guess, his Dad is Chinese and his mom is Americain... would you say it's because of his last name? I say it's because he looks more Asian and Dad's genes are often more prominent. Mixed blood kids are gorgeously beautiful, even more when the Mom is of Asian's descendant. *winks*

3 Bs Friday

Busy Friday
Birthday Friday
and Boys

Who said men are simple? (or maybe it's the overly complicated me) But oh gosh, let me tell you right now, boys are more annoying than girls.
I have a bunch of posts I wrote but haven't posted them because I want to add some pictures first. Hence, this is going to be from today and rewind.

There are days, my phone never rings. There are days like today, where the whole world decide to text message me about serious stuff they need me to attend to with them. My dear girls friends in trouble that I haven't talked to in the past months.

I'm boiling right now, I need to jot down random stuff, it will only make senses through all the other entries.

I had a birthday party today after school. Went all the way down to Bonaventure to buy an expensive cake for 10 people. It's all right, since it's probably the last time I can celebrate my friend's bday, since he will be going back to France this year. Figuring I'd be late, I rushed to the restaurant to find myself being first!

Then come this English speaking dude that I met at a Christmas party. Gosh, out of all the empty spots, he had to make me stand up saying he wants to sit there (beside). Fifteen minutes later, come the rest of the group. S had to decide to put his bad in the seat in front of me... and there come my friend who wanted that chair. No, S didn't want to. So, I spent the whole dinner being sorta cast away from my female friends. All right, don't tell me I'm having idea when the party boy winks at me saying how the conversation flows so well among us. Dude, I'm stuck and they talk, shall I ignore them?

Mind you, it's about boys of all ages. These friends always mention how doctors stick around, one said, "ah vous deux là". Damn, I hear that sentence way too often now. It lights up the atmosphere, I'd suppose they mean no harm, but S, telling me you were 'on personal business' when I asked what you were doing...you need to stop that, it's not even funny anymore.

Anyhoo, I hope that English dude understood how uneasy I was. We're not friends. I don't like that 'get to know you' phase when I don't have the will to. There goes Caro who insists, "S et toi vous agissez déjà comme un couple sans le savoir". Seriously? <--- not with an innocent tone

Currently, all I want is for next week to be over so that I can fly off with my unbooked ticket. I can't even find a way to stick all the friends' need into my schedule, how am I suppose to fit in a man? In the end, it's just probably because I don't want to.

Si tu veux

Charming didn't cheat on Cinderella.
The Beast didn't break Belle's heart.
Aladdin didn't dare to hurt Jasmine.
Shang didn't destroy Mulan's life.
Maybe your "Prince" is defective.

Alfred Angelo Disney collection

For my friend's wedding, we were supposed to wear Angelo's dress, but in the end...
Which one if your favorite among these?

Ariel's dress back is very unique (can be seen on Alfred Angelo Official website), but I wouldn't be patient enough for the dress's fish tail. I like Belle's the most.



This song keeps playing on the radio but impossible to free download it. And I thought it was an English translated to French... Got a thing for bilingual songs and don't you think it fits so well for pre-wedding background music?

Girls are burden

Right now, it's just a big melting pot. He says he can't lie in front of me. Yeah...that's if he's facing me, because he can't look into my eyes when he lies.

After work on the weekend, S, C, and I went to have a cup of coffee. S had a tough days being bombarded with questions as to why he and I aren't dating. That guy, he gets teased a lot, but it's only now, writing this, that I feel pity for him.

Eventually, he gave in to all the questions and answered with...

"I need a more conventional and pure girl." C was so flustered. She keeps insisting how boring his life would be if he hooks up with another conventional person. Though, I find myself being a boring but anyhow busy person. He also came up with "used to be bad timing" reason. Then, he added the 'ladder theory' issue. But the more he would speak to explain himself, the more he's digging his grave without being aware of it. He's stuck in my past. After he left, I was so mad. Mad that he can't let go of something that doesn't concern him at all. So mad that I sms'ed him, asking if he hates me that much because of it. To which he didn't answer.

I learned that although they are guys and should be easy, there are really certain issues you cannot tell them. They'd listen, but they are like time bombs. It bothers them more than we can think. They are more strict, more fragile than they look. When I finally confronted S after the Bday dinner, he says whenever he brings up the subject it is just to tease me about it, that it has no meaning behind it, that my reaction is very funny. I don't find myself funny at all. It isn't. He says he got over it. Dude, then sync your behaviour with your words or learn lie better if you want me to believe that's the truth. He finally said he doesn't hate me (uh-huh a week later).

Nancy is terribly annoyed by S and I. She says we just walk around the same issues without facing it and it isn't because I'm playing head in the sand. We just don't want to be a couple. I know we are making things difficult for each other, but there are no causation between feelings and results. There are always so many external factors. Maybe, it's because we know it's not gonna last and don't tell me about 'you won't know until you try'. 'We can know', Experience says. As for me, I have my own reasons why I kee indirectly turning him down, but... secrets!

Scar

I sneaked back to work today, on a recorded class day. Everyone was so surprised and asking what I was doing at HDM on a weekday. I was happy to see them too, thank you. ^^

The best moment was when S got teased by his coworkers because he hanged around. Obviously, I was there to add oil into the fire. It's so much fun when he's all embarrassed. They say he gets bossed around by me. This friend, who gets all nervous when he's interested into someone. Everytime, I warned him off by letting him hang on a cliff, until he discovers the truth by himself, and asked me why I didn't tell him everything from the very beginning. He says he would have stopped it right there. So here I go about how that's not the point, since he listens too much to what I say, he must learn to see things through on his own and make his own judgment (even if I'm *always* right (ah hem), it doesn't mean that's the best choice given the situation. Doesn't it feel like educating a child?

S has a tendency to go through all means to explain the so called misunderstandings regarding his 'flings', like I really bothered. Then, he says I don't listen, because I just go 'uh-huh' and looks elsewhere. 'Dude, I already know. Please, don't behave like you feel like you just cheated. ;) Body languages can't lie, so stop saying you weren't into it, yet were all so nervous about it. But I'm grateful that you acknowledged being able to be frank in front me, while admitting that you put up a show (lie) with others.'

Mind you, I get lot of these confessions, don't I? Amazing woman, am I? Or maybe just because I can guess and know too much too well. I am very mean to this person.

I don't know why through these conversations about someone else, S came out with how he needs to be more fierce so that girls would be more interested into him, otherwise they put him into the friends category. So I replied, "yeah like us" to which he answered that's what he had wanted anyways. In the end, I had to tell him upfront, it's because we have both conditioned ourselves to not being lovers.

If you were to ask me few years ago, I wouldn't understand how it exactly works, but today I can tell you, it is possible to condition yourself into not getting yourself involved into specific situations like that, regardless of your feelings. He told me, it's also because back then, the timing was wrong from my side. But I'm sorry, from the very start, to me we would always be friends with emotional benefits attached. Truthfully, I think the timing would always be wrong until I gather enough courage and dispose of my loyal attitude. And why do I bother explaining all this? Maybe because yesterday, Nancy asked me if it wasn't because of certain issues, maybe it would have worked out between us.

I learned through his coworker that he is changing specialty soon. Something he deserved a smack on the arm for omitting to tell me beforehand. He gave me the perfect reason not to remain on my surgical unit that I've been on for already four years, because another close French friend is going back to her country this summer as well. I got sad when I learned about it few months ago, until she reminds me that we might just be able to meet twice again in our whole lifetimes.

I've realized the more I distance myself in my personal life, the more I get emotionally attached to my patients. It gets painful when sympathy is involved. It hurts when those who were so well, yet I'd end up spending my whole shift trying to save them to just have them die by the end of the day. Although, it feels great to see the opposite situation happens, but when the mean age of your floor is 85 years old, that you admit some of 100 years old and more from time to time, it is hard to put up with surgeries. I need another drive at work that doesn't care about the future, but only the current moment. ER? ICU? Recovery room? I have two more years to wait in MTL. Indeed, I put up with my unit only for the staff-friends and the control-power I get because everyone knows who I am.

Don't the best friends make the best lovers?

I've turned back again several times already. I pretended not to know and laughed. Although I try to silently trick myself...