I sneaked back to work today, on a recorded class day. Everyone was so surprised and asking what I was doing at HDM on a weekday. I was happy to see them too, thank you. ^^
The best moment was when S got teased by his coworkers because he hanged around. Obviously, I was there to add oil into the fire. It's so much fun when he's all embarrassed. They say he gets bossed around by me. This friend, who gets all nervous when he's interested into someone. Everytime, I warned him off by letting him hang on a cliff, until he discovers the truth by himself, and asked me why I didn't tell him everything from the very beginning. He says he would have stopped it right there. So here I go about how that's not the point, since he listens too much to what I say, he must learn to see things through on his own and make his own judgment (even if I'm *always* right (ah hem), it doesn't mean that's the best choice given the situation. Doesn't it feel like educating a child?
S has a tendency to go through all means to explain the so called misunderstandings regarding his 'flings', like I really bothered. Then, he says I don't listen, because I just go 'uh-huh' and looks elsewhere. 'Dude, I already know. Please, don't behave like you feel like you just cheated. ;) Body languages can't lie, so stop saying you weren't into it, yet were all so nervous about it. But I'm grateful that you acknowledged being able to be frank in front me, while admitting that you put up a show (lie) with others.'
Mind you, I get lot of these confessions, don't I? Amazing woman, am I? Or maybe just because I can guess and know too much too well. I am very mean to this person.
I don't know why through these conversations about someone else, S came out with how he needs to be more fierce so that girls would be more interested into him, otherwise they put him into the friends category. So I replied, "yeah like us" to which he answered that's what he had wanted anyways. In the end, I had to tell him upfront, it's because we have both conditioned ourselves to not being lovers.
If you were to ask me few years ago, I wouldn't understand how it exactly works, but today I can tell you, it is possible to condition yourself into not getting yourself involved into specific situations like that, regardless of your feelings. He told me, it's also because back then, the timing was wrong from my side. But I'm sorry, from the very start, to me we would always be friends with emotional benefits attached. Truthfully, I think the timing would always be wrong until I gather enough courage and dispose of my loyal attitude. And why do I bother explaining all this? Maybe because yesterday, Nancy asked me if it wasn't because of certain issues, maybe it would have worked out between us.
I learned through his coworker that he is changing specialty soon. Something he deserved a smack on the arm for omitting to tell me beforehand. He gave me the perfect reason not to remain on my surgical unit that I've been on for already four years, because another close French friend is going back to her country this summer as well. I got sad when I learned about it few months ago, until she reminds me that we might just be able to meet twice again in our whole lifetimes.
I've realized the more I distance myself in my personal life, the more I get emotionally attached to my patients. It gets painful when sympathy is involved. It hurts when those who were so well, yet I'd end up spending my whole shift trying to save them to just have them die by the end of the day. Although, it feels great to see the opposite situation happens, but when the mean age of your floor is 85 years old, that you admit some of 100 years old and more from time to time, it is hard to put up with surgeries. I need another drive at work that doesn't care about the future, but only the current moment. ER? ICU? Recovery room? I have two more years to wait in MTL. Indeed, I put up with my unit only for the staff-friends and the control-power I get because everyone knows who I am.
Don't the best friends make the best lovers?
I've turned back again several times already. I pretended not to know and laughed. Although I try to silently trick myself...
I started off winter with wanting to buy a black winter hat, but ever found one that was worth the fit/money. Also, always wanted to get the Olympics one, but never bothered looking and it was out of The Bay. Also, I couldn't bring myself to wear any McGill Nursing Apparel, so I opted for the gloves instead. They are so comfy and warm. That's mostly how my winter went by. How was yours?
My friend and I were monitoring the trip packages prices everyday for a whole month, just like watching stocks. Oh my god, I do not want to do this again, buying tickets 3-4 days before your departure is a very bad move. I did organize my own trip to France last year 3 weeks before departure and almost everything went smoothly but... 
