Aging

It's days like today that I'd rather be a full time worker instead of being labeled as student. We've having this on-going project for two semesters and it is finally coming to an end. We want to strive for more volunteers services within our community in Parc-Extension for the elderly. I drew this while taking care of a cousin on emotional crisis over the phone. Can you see the A and E? They stand for 'Aging Well, Aging Equitably'. Quite proud of myself that it became the project logo. I should come back to those activities that lift up the mood, oh, how it has been so long since I picked up my carbon pencils and white papers. All right, I don't really want to be pessimist, but I doubt this project alone can increase the funds to add services into that community who barely has the will to learn French even after 40 years away from their country. Yes, I'm also so done my clinical Mondays at the CLSC, thank God, because I can't stand that population anymore. They speak to me in Indian randomly in the streets, they ask if we know Greek, and they believe that pills alone will do miracle. They refuse to learn the native language and say that their country is so much better. Then, why don't you just go back there? In hospital, patients are forced to abdicate by the protocols because well, they are hospitalized, right? But in daily life, I sincerely hope that everyone can take better care of themselves and not just rely... I can't help, but hate it to care for those who have the power to change, to be more healthy, who are given all resources possible, yet still refuse to make their lives a better place. Fatalistic much?

On a side note, still debating if I should buy some grads pics. They are F-Ugly and I don't quite have a use of them. The girl just wants her diploma.

Edit// 10.04.01

Hectic week, it's finally Friday. After spending around 12h/day everyday this week, we've finally put together the whole project. I'm amazed at those people who can spend so much time in front of a computer. It's freaking hurt the head and dry the eyes. I've never gotten so close to politics in my life before; this nursing class is seriously something. I've also gotten so exhausted that there was no more patience left and so angry, that I couldn't conceal it. Maturity certainly doesn't come with age, does it? We had to give a participation mark for each member and someone got a passing grade. Obviously, she wasn't content with it and demanded a change, but we had a hard time finding the criteria that could be used to pull up her mark . I almost got a perfect mark and do not think that I deserve it.

Protect What Is Precious

Have you noticed on March 19th, how big, close, and yellow the Moon was to Earth? It wasn't a moon illusion. It was the closest in the past 18 years. It was beautiful, but had this nostalgic feel on that clear dark sky.

A friend sms'ed me today saying how I haven't been very happy these past weeks.
Had a dinner with my best friend and cie this Saturday, she said, "Quelque chose ne va pas et ce n'est pas juste la fatigue. [Silence] Okay, tu ne veux pas en parler...?".

No, I don't want to, especially not today. You just naturally become careful. The more it goes, the more everyone proves me right. There are some matters that are only between two people and should stay like that. I can't help it, but up to this day, there are still some things I want to protect. It's true I haven't been the happiest, but there was no need to make an insignificant matter worse, even if you are my dear friends (let alone being mean to each other in an unsubtle way). And because of that, for you were by my side when I needed company, I can't be mad at you. But I'm not grateful for what just occurred, even if the intention wasn't evil.

3 steps to move on: CTRL+ALT+DEL. CTRL yourself. Look for ALTernative solution. DEL the situation that hurts you.

I know, nobody gives a shit and I should be indifferent, since people have other priorities. But, I care, so why hide it? In the end, those words are taken offline. Somehow apologetic and don't need to explain why, so here it goes. This is as real as it can get, even if it's scary. It's my only way to feel better. Today, even my preceptor was scared of me. I had this killer 'don't breath too hard or you're dead' glare and seriously, couldn't laugh at any joke anyone made, only forced smiles. I completely lost appetite today, after going through over 4 days of nausea, indigestion & Gravol, Maalox. Geez. It's not like C-diff and Gastro aren't running around the workplace.

For the record, I'm a little mad, but we're still going to hang out this week as scheduled. How can some stuff go so overboard without my consent is beyond my understanding, but I'm not holding anything against anyone. I wish I could be with Miji in Switzerland right now. A friend who knows well... I miss you. I'm aware of my bad tendency to want to fly off whenever I'm troubled. Then everytime I come back, I'd realized it had solved nothing. That's the beauty of it. =)

A Sense Of Belonging

My best friend and I are both wearing bangs around our fingers. Hers is really a graduation one and let's say mine is too.

We got entangled in the kind of routine that let's us speak to each other for hours, but barely once a month; the friendship seems fine now. She didn't meet the others since September. The other day, she said how fun it is to be able to complain (talking about her new 'job') to someone who understands and being the only one who laughs... she had remained behind her schedule to stay with me at the hospitals.

For over the past years, she would mention about how she wished she could marry and have kids, so much that I don't feel like saying, 'me too'. I wonder if it's because of our jobs, but we get sort of stuck in time, especially her. Hence, many people who are in the middle of their med school residency, sometimes already have a family. I envy them. I dare you say we're still young.

Along the way, I sort of ended up taking this path instead, but there are times I wished I could tie the knot and bear a child instead of figuring out where I would fly off to next. Yes, even at 22 years old, I want to have a family of my own and then enjoy life, not on my own but together. To have dear people who really belong to me and just me.

It's not about dating or being not single, because when I don't make it too hard, I still enjoy and struggle day by day by myself. Time goes by too fast to agonize over your day for too long anyways. I used to think that I'm a wife material, but somehow that idea isn't working anymore. I mean, I guess I never had it to begin with. It's quite a shocking thing I realized somehow recently due to some circumstances. I can't grasp the reasons behind it yet, it's just a deceiving feeling.

Pray and Flip The Coin

When faced with two choices, toss a coin.
It works not because
It settles the question for you,
But because the second
You throw the coin in the air,
You know exactly what you want...

Can you spot the spelling mistake? Unless there's really a country under that name...

Disasters always happen in the world, don't they? Japan vs. US: Karma?
Do you believe in Karma? Both of my arms are opened to embrace it. I'm waiting for it to hit me hard. I used to go to the temple for Têt but couldn't make it this year due to a snowstorm. I need to spare some time a Sunday I don't work...to redeem sins. I'm thankful to have a job that allow me to help people. It just seems easier to ease the guilt inside, when you can save the more unfortunate ones.

It is pretty easy to say, 'Do what you really want to (before the opportunities pass)', but is it because those people never had to take any responsibility afterward or because those people are like me and don't learn (or maybe the priorities are set wrongly)? Truthfully, the issues are rarely the before or the meanwhile. The more fierce the situations get, the trace left behind is...

It always seemed like you had forgotten how tedious it was to pick the pieces up after the mess is done and would repeat the process over and over again. After a little while, you'd think you sort of get used to it, so it seems to be a little easier, but it isn't. You can't be trained. When there is something to protect and require you to shield away from your own support, you do it. It isn't so bad to stand up on your own, because in the end, there's just you to pull yourself up and remove the stains. It's what's grown-up do. Nonetheless, I heard there would have been a lot to miss. Just... I wished that everytime, I didn't have to do it all by myself.

I'm honestly not angry or sad, I'm just a little upset. I'm almost thankful and am apologetic as usual. It's a little annoying, being me... let alone being with me. I know, haha. Thanks god, shopping exists, because I spend like a mad woman in those times.

March : Bored my ass off

After I spent a sleep deprived weekend, then fell asleep at 19h30 yesterday, I woke up at 9h00 today to this :

Somehow, it doesn't feel like the last snowstorm. I like snow, but a bit sick of it now (can't wear anything but pants and boots!!! Plus, it's very slippery outside and going up and down McGill campus is a sport). Despite this, I have to grab my ass and go to free working at CLSC. Now, the amazing thing is, my cardiologist cousin's wife is working here as family doctor, while he works at HDM, but I've never bumped into him once since the past 3 years. We just don't have that fate with some people sometimes.

Currently at the CLSC, Yen is bored so Yen is updating her blog while listening to some arythmias class. Yen has a craving for vanilla yogourt self mixed with berries and cereals. Shall Yen go do some groceries?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...
Or forgetful.

I took over the boss's job this weekend. Luckily for me it was quite relax behind the front desk and as someone said, "quand j'y pense, c'est calme juste quand c'est avec toi..." Is it because I don't look for trouble or maybe because I'm lazy and don't do anything, but I doubt it as my friend says, "t'es juste boonnnneee". Yeah, right. I lack experience, it's not like I don't know. That's what I told my nurse preceptor who put pressured on me to apply at the CLSC. She claims I'm capable and would recommend me. Geez, everyone (except them) knows that I can't picture myself working at the CLSC. But guess what? I waver so easily that I applied for the recruitment day after all, yet very well aware that I'm going to stay at HDM at least for my vacations in Sept.

Ah yeah, Sunday morning I came in late at work and suprisingly enough, my colleagues didn't really care as I still showed up. She even told me to take my time to get ready as she wasn't in a hurry. It has its perk when you have an ill free relationship with all your colleagues!!!! They cats fight in front of you and you just leave that behind for your own lunch break. LOL

OMG, a collegue just said to another one, "c'est pas dur faire du ménage à moins que tu baises pendant que tu fais le ménage." Eeeehhh...then i wanted to reply with something but kept it to myself. Wild people.

One atypical conversation with a patient who keeps moaning and saying 'oh yeah'... "You have the touch, eh? Got to be careful with you. "

Turns out, I was only doing wound care on his leg!!!