No matter what the setting is, as long as I perceive the stressor as strong enough, I'll usually enter the same fight or flight response.
I've been told I'm a very psychosomatic person. I agree. Rare would I be able to hide how I truly feel as it shows up on my face and or entire body. Sympathetic system would kick in, as it suppresses the parasympathetic system. In common words, my digestive system would start to overwork (more trips to the loo) as it stops functioning (as ironic as it may sounds, yes) and give place to the the emergency response system. And by the way, it also affects sexual functions.
My extremities (hands and feet) get incredibly frozen, my heartbeat increases... I just don't feel well to think and work properly. I've been told I also turn greenish...
All of these would eventually go away but in the mean time, it is seriously not fun. Truth is... even having a patient going code blue doesn't do this to me. Because help is there, you are never alone.
But into facing personal issues... in the last two weeks... oftentimes, the accepting and moving on parts have to be done by no one else, but me. Let's say I haven't missed that 24h whatever coping mechanism it is.
Ugly.
Don't we all hate being lied to?
And what is with people who would rather choose to flight than fight even when you're being confronted to it?
Heard to flee is a female's usual response to stress. I don't like.
A friend got an air gun for her bday. Me want one too! Wouldn't it another great anti-stress?
19.5.12
Groping
in broad daylight, that happened to me today by an unknown passer-by man. In my city, as I was strolling my friend's kid on the street.
I felt a full hand on one of my butt, then the man just turned around said 'excuse me' and literally ran off. Well, I'm so not sorry, but he wasn't sorry because it wasn't a light accident stroke. We weren't crowded. I was so stunned, I just let out an 'euh?' and he was already a street away, really. Wished I could have yelled and run after him, but I had a kid with me. I'm so mad at myself for doing absolutely NOTHING! DAMN IT!
Although it was all summery outside, but I had a loose top on and a skirt below knee so seriously, no skin/cleavage showing. WTF? What I'm even more mad about is that it happened in my very own city. It doesn't happen when I'm alone across the seas. Geez, what's going on?
On top of this, I've been so short on patience lately. I'm very eager for my vacations because my body and mind need it. I've been doing overtime to fill in empty slots plus it pays well. On the last day of my cardiac surgery post-op orientation, my patient coded blue straight flat there in my face. She was supposed to be removed from the respirator in the upcoming hours, but she went into an heart attack regadless of the surgery and sustained an abdominal hemorrhage. Although it wasn't my first code blue, but it was the first time that it is my patient. It does make a difference. They opened her chest in the room. Everything went very Grey's Anatomy-ish with a resident sitting in the bed doing cardiac massage while they transferred her to the OR. And me... being stuck there wondering what I've missed, what I've done or not haven't done correctly.
Since then, the cardiac surgeries post-op that I have just bleed out that I even get teased of having a bad karma.
I felt a full hand on one of my butt, then the man just turned around said 'excuse me' and literally ran off. Well, I'm so not sorry, but he wasn't sorry because it wasn't a light accident stroke. We weren't crowded. I was so stunned, I just let out an 'euh?' and he was already a street away, really. Wished I could have yelled and run after him, but I had a kid with me. I'm so mad at myself for doing absolutely NOTHING! DAMN IT!
Although it was all summery outside, but I had a loose top on and a skirt below knee so seriously, no skin/cleavage showing. WTF? What I'm even more mad about is that it happened in my very own city. It doesn't happen when I'm alone across the seas. Geez, what's going on?
On top of this, I've been so short on patience lately. I'm very eager for my vacations because my body and mind need it. I've been doing overtime to fill in empty slots plus it pays well. On the last day of my cardiac surgery post-op orientation, my patient coded blue straight flat there in my face. She was supposed to be removed from the respirator in the upcoming hours, but she went into an heart attack regadless of the surgery and sustained an abdominal hemorrhage. Although it wasn't my first code blue, but it was the first time that it is my patient. It does make a difference. They opened her chest in the room. Everything went very Grey's Anatomy-ish with a resident sitting in the bed doing cardiac massage while they transferred her to the OR. And me... being stuck there wondering what I've missed, what I've done or not haven't done correctly.
Since then, the cardiac surgeries post-op that I have just bleed out that I even get teased of having a bad karma.
11.3.12
Words I Want To Say
What do you do when an unexpected yet apprehended situation happens?
Or more accurately, a scenario you're familiar with, a history you conscientiously knew it may hold a chance to repeat itself, but yet sincerely hoped it wouldn't occur, and now wished it didn't.
Sometimes, it takes time and requires you to a step back to realize it's not as easy or as simple to bear than you thought. While still under a certain shock, everybody would think, it should be all right, it's far from being an unknown moment. It seems okay, until your body tells you physically that it isn't okay.
Being unable to fall asleep...
When finally fallen on the pillow ; wake-up almost every hour in complete perspiration...
As if... Unknown to you... you went through a sort of nightmare. It was one of my worst night.
That I partially brought it upon myself.
Those words I want to say, but teach me... how to speak.
Since then, I've been feeling just bland... Winter is slowly leaving the city for Spring that I've been anticipating so much, but to me... the chillness came back cooler than ever... As if continuously being passed as a mere nobody; I've came to allow it to be this way, haven't I? I want to ask, why is it that how I feel even merely taken into consideration? Simply because I don't matter enough to be cared for more than this...
What I've come to reckon is that after all, this is not what I wanted; wholeheartedly for everybody. And I do feel apologetic, call me stupid if you'd like, but yes, for it has taken away whatever pretty pieces there were left. That's the consequence of being greedy, isn't it?
I managed to get 6 continuous days off, oh how I wished I can hop on the airplane to Paris (even checked tickets out together). Arf, vacations where are you?
Or more accurately, a scenario you're familiar with, a history you conscientiously knew it may hold a chance to repeat itself, but yet sincerely hoped it wouldn't occur, and now wished it didn't.
Sometimes, it takes time and requires you to a step back to realize it's not as easy or as simple to bear than you thought. While still under a certain shock, everybody would think, it should be all right, it's far from being an unknown moment. It seems okay, until your body tells you physically that it isn't okay.
Being unable to fall asleep...
When finally fallen on the pillow ; wake-up almost every hour in complete perspiration...
As if... Unknown to you... you went through a sort of nightmare. It was one of my worst night.
That I partially brought it upon myself.
Those words I want to say, but teach me... how to speak.
Since then, I've been feeling just bland... Winter is slowly leaving the city for Spring that I've been anticipating so much, but to me... the chillness came back cooler than ever... As if continuously being passed as a mere nobody; I've came to allow it to be this way, haven't I? I want to ask, why is it that how I feel even merely taken into consideration? Simply because I don't matter enough to be cared for more than this...
What I've come to reckon is that after all, this is not what I wanted; wholeheartedly for everybody. And I do feel apologetic, call me stupid if you'd like, but yes, for it has taken away whatever pretty pieces there were left. That's the consequence of being greedy, isn't it?
I managed to get 6 continuous days off, oh how I wished I can hop on the airplane to Paris (even checked tickets out together). Arf, vacations where are you?
26.1.12
To My Horror
After a 12h shift, I should just hit my face on my pillow as another 12h continues tomorrow. But this sooo outrageous!
The other day after I came back from work along 1am, there were memories cards spilled all over my desk. After looking through, there was one missing and so I immediately rushed up to take it back from my then asleep brother. I can't believe he did this and he dared to say he didn't use the memory card yet! Eventually, it woke up my mom too who wondered why i caused so much commotion because the poor baby has school. Seriously, they are from the same bloodline it is so obvious (she had went through my personal belonging too). I tell her that he has no manners to be looking through others' people stuff without permission (he takes the Wii away like that until I caught him, then he'd ask). I told her that they need to behave like parents for once, because parents aren't just about feeding, providing a roof, and bookworm education, but also social intelligence and it starts within the 'family'. FYI, this is why building you own family is better, you get to set your own rules. Geez, it isn't because he's the baby boy that he's allowed to do whatever he wants, he isn't eight anymore but freaking sixteen!!! I threaten her to change the door handle of my bedroom and put a lock on it.
Few days later, as in today, it isn't done yet. The issue is the router/modem are in my bedroom and if they require a reboot, they won't have access to it. I was so flustered that I almost forced that consequence upon them to wait till I come back or just give the key to my dad.... the only one I can still still trust in this house until one day or maybe not. Yup, that's what growing up does to you. Disillusioned.
However, today as I came home, I noticed he used my printer, although he owns one. I kind of lean more towards photographic memory so I know somebody came into my room when my stuff are under a different angle and my brother never put the stuff back exactly in its place. I'll definitively put a lock on once I get a day off. Maybe because I've graduated, maybe because I own part of the house, but I can't tolerate this anymore. I mean, he doesn't freaking knock on the door although I'm in there (and actually pants less...yes, it happens like after a shower). I'm already cranky enough with the job, super duper short-tempered on the road, can I get some space at home? There's a reason why I moved the PC to my parents' bedroom. I want to be ALONE even when I'm not physically in my bedroom.
Somehow, my mom and brother come up with the excuse that I'm never home so he can't never ask. WTF? Does it give you an excuse to 'borrow' private stuff like a memory card without asking? And hey, he doesn't even ask when I'm home. Told mom, I always knock on his door and NEVER go through his stuff when he isn't home! Even with a mortgage on hand, I want to get away. The best excuse to stay would be studies. I need to find something to study about so that I can give myself an excuse to remain in this unpleasant spot. 'Kay, I'm so wired up right now that it's just pulling my sleep shorter; shouldn't have type down this.
He annoys me so much I can't even be a hypocrite and pretend to get along with. And I thought there was unspoken social rules among people. The day he'd have a girlfriend that would whipped him (typical Viet boy), I'd like her. Otherwise, I already know, we won't like each other.
The other day after I came back from work along 1am, there were memories cards spilled all over my desk. After looking through, there was one missing and so I immediately rushed up to take it back from my then asleep brother. I can't believe he did this and he dared to say he didn't use the memory card yet! Eventually, it woke up my mom too who wondered why i caused so much commotion because the poor baby has school. Seriously, they are from the same bloodline it is so obvious (she had went through my personal belonging too). I tell her that he has no manners to be looking through others' people stuff without permission (he takes the Wii away like that until I caught him, then he'd ask). I told her that they need to behave like parents for once, because parents aren't just about feeding, providing a roof, and bookworm education, but also social intelligence and it starts within the 'family'. FYI, this is why building you own family is better, you get to set your own rules. Geez, it isn't because he's the baby boy that he's allowed to do whatever he wants, he isn't eight anymore but freaking sixteen!!! I threaten her to change the door handle of my bedroom and put a lock on it.
Few days later, as in today, it isn't done yet. The issue is the router/modem are in my bedroom and if they require a reboot, they won't have access to it. I was so flustered that I almost forced that consequence upon them to wait till I come back or just give the key to my dad.... the only one I can still still trust in this house until one day or maybe not. Yup, that's what growing up does to you. Disillusioned.
However, today as I came home, I noticed he used my printer, although he owns one. I kind of lean more towards photographic memory so I know somebody came into my room when my stuff are under a different angle and my brother never put the stuff back exactly in its place. I'll definitively put a lock on once I get a day off. Maybe because I've graduated, maybe because I own part of the house, but I can't tolerate this anymore. I mean, he doesn't freaking knock on the door although I'm in there (and actually pants less...yes, it happens like after a shower). I'm already cranky enough with the job, super duper short-tempered on the road, can I get some space at home? There's a reason why I moved the PC to my parents' bedroom. I want to be ALONE even when I'm not physically in my bedroom.
Somehow, my mom and brother come up with the excuse that I'm never home so he can't never ask. WTF? Does it give you an excuse to 'borrow' private stuff like a memory card without asking? And hey, he doesn't even ask when I'm home. Told mom, I always knock on his door and NEVER go through his stuff when he isn't home! Even with a mortgage on hand, I want to get away. The best excuse to stay would be studies. I need to find something to study about so that I can give myself an excuse to remain in this unpleasant spot. 'Kay, I'm so wired up right now that it's just pulling my sleep shorter; shouldn't have type down this.
He annoys me so much I can't even be a hypocrite and pretend to get along with. And I thought there was unspoken social rules among people. The day he'd have a girlfriend that would whipped him (typical Viet boy), I'd like her. Otherwise, I already know, we won't like each other.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)