My bucket is filled up with family's tribulations that I do not have enough space for my friends' recurrent ordeals. Two days ago, I chose to be honest with a close girl friend of mine: 'enough, I can't listen to your similar speech over and over again anymore. I can't take care of you while (you have a husband) my hands are already full.' I must admit, she is pitiful but overly obsessed with her health issues. While the doctors don't know what's going on with her, there is nothing else I can do more than what I've already did. It's been two months already, let's just wait, shall we?
My problem arises when everyone's issues aren't mine but they take so much place that I feel suffocated. Then do I care too much? Is that why I flip at how ridiculously others can behave so self-centered?
I don't know since when Isolation has came back neither what are the reasons, but I refuse to talk about me, especially when asked. Maybe because I believe the friends are already overwhelmed by their personal matters or maybe because I assume they don't care more than that. In the end, there is nothing better they can do to fix me. I'm a grown-up and got to take care of the problems myself. People rely on me... who do I rely on? Do I need somebody? No. I'm good by myself, if only people can give me some time and space. I'm a slow do-er.
All right, a respected figure in the family has deceased about a week ago. 'I am sorry I wasn't beside you when you died. I am sorry we weren't that close. I apologize for not expressing my love better than that... only I didn't feel it...that you loved us, your children nor that I loved you enough... I'm a human being who only bond with others who are physically close to me. At last, I'm sorry the person you chose to be by your bedside cares more about money than her lifetime partner.'
'I am not sorry to say... you were delivered of the pain...of forgetting about those who cared and loved you due to Alzheimer... who knows... maybe you forgot us because you heart thought you didn't need us. I'm not sorry my father chose to protect his mother instead, because I'd do the same. I'm upset your death brought animosity among your children. One day, I'll stand in front of you tomb and apologize for being a disrespectful grandchild. I wish you can finally find peace wherever you are. Sincerely, Yen.'
Honestly speaking, I despise all the coworkers who pour their personal business upon their colleagues' head without asking us beforehand if we'd agree to listen. Therefore, when they ask how I feel, I'd just be a little hypocrite and buy myself some peace. When acquaintances would ask ' how are you? ', I'd reply 'I'm fine'. because none of what was described before are MY problems. Plus, I believe that the best way to achieve bittersweet memories are with laughters. So why can't I let it go?
If I was to say, ''I'm not okay', what can you do?
I wasn't aware I was not that okay, until last night, when I woke up because tears were streaming down my cheeks, wetting the pillowcase. Nevertheless, I can't recall why I've cried. When I'm awake, as much as I do not want to talk about all the mess that is happening, I can't let it go. I can't cry. Everything is happening inside of me. I'm impatient. I find people helplessly selfish. I'm scared. I want to be hugged... being told it will be okay... I know... in a month of so, it'll be over. Dad will get his operation... we can all start over. If only the Brother can grow up more than that... but he still leave the empty toilet paper roll on the counter.
What about my close friends you say? Um... Right now, I'm not patient enough to be receptive to their problems. I am too impatient that it bores me out when I only have to imagine myself giving details about my week. I just want to be left alone. All of this has convinced me that taking a year off from the dear ones to concentrate on taking care of myself, living my life abroad, could be the best decision of my life. Definitively.
