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Reality, is it what we see? Is it what we hear? What are facts? What's the real truth? Is it what people tell us? Or is it what we choose to believe?

" You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel."

I don't really know what it is. Sometimes, there's this you feel. Then, there's this something you know just because it's what other people have been telling you all along. In the end, you take it for granted that it's the truth.

And it's not because Truth hurts that it's what it seems to be.

"I know why people laugh.. they laugh because it hurts so much.. and it's the only thing that will make it stop hurting."

And I don't know since when did I start laughing because it hurts so great.

I'm somewhat lifeless. It's very exhausting being in ER at MGH and although I had four days, the week hasn't been as busy as others for me. It's official, I hate training. And I hate studying. So, even though I plan to study for my trainings, I never do. Not as if it'd really change something eh? The deal is, let me see it or explain it to me, then I can do it.

I spent the second day in ER at triage which helped a lot. It reminds you how you're supposed to evaluate your patients. Funny how I've already started to mix up words while not understanding information they're exchanging while giving reports. Doctors and residents are nice there, sometimes more helpful than nurses. Anyways, workers are lovely, minus nurses.

But I don't really know what I'm doing. There's this girl in my group that cried the first day, telling us the teacher is too harsh on her, yet she's sort of too anxious and can't answer teacher's questions. It's way too difficult to separate your personal life away from work. People who manage to do it, either they're really workaholic or basically, they have nothing else beside work to lean on...

That's not right. The truth is, I'm clueless. I don't know if my choices were right. I don't know what I'm doing nor what where I'm going. I know, it's pathetic to complain like this when my path has been drawn. As in, although I haven't always had the best scores, I've never failed a course. It has always been 'okay', never the best, never the worst. I haven't had to take a course just because time is going by and I should be studying something. At the moment, I haven't gotten a reply from McGill, but I got admitted in UdeS. Ha, Ly thought I'd be another friend going away from her to study, then she got reassured when I told her I'd still be close by. The truth is, I've wanted to go away to study if possible. Some events happen and you just run out of money.

Ah, due to the training at MGH, I went away from home for four days. How I wished to go back home...it feels great to be home. Then, the next day, my " je m'ennuie " state got back at me. It's like a ghost chasing me around. My aunt who lost her husband can't stay at home alone. She needs someone to be at home with her and her younger daughter isn't enough.

I don't feel lonely at home alone. Most of the time, there're people at home. Then why, don't I feel anything when my family is there? How come I lost this attachement link with them? Since when did I start being unpatient with their words? Since when whatever they say is so annoying? How come I have a little brother, yet it feels like he's non-existant? I've lost the family bond. And it's probably my fault. They haven't changed. They've stayed who they are. I've become the ugly person that I am. But they don't know. The moment you start hiding stuff from your loved ones, the relationship'd drift apart. "To have your own life" is only an excuse. Life is full of excuses. Is it become the whole big family took turn to break apart so now faith is gone?

Would I start to lose faith in everything that breaks apart? Does it stay permanent? Because recently, I've learned that friendship does break too. I know, people have told me stories about their closest friend leaving them. It's a different story when you experience it. Can't believe things just because you've heard. I've always believed that real friends stay for a lifetime. And it's not true.

" Over the course of the average lifetime you meet a lot of people. Some of them stick with you through thick and thin. Some weave their way through your life and disappear forever. But once in awhile someone comes along who earns a permanent place in your heart. "

That's when you say, although the person isn't here anymore, nobody can ever take his place.

Every part of me just tears up one by one. It's like witnessing your loved ones leaving you one by one. As if, you got into an accident and the doctor says he has to amputate a part of you body. It hurts, because you know it'd never be yours again. I don't need people telling me "that's life." Holy cow, just say "that's life" to everything, then you won't have to do anything.

" You live and you breathe and then you die. In between, if you're lucky, you fall in love. Some loves stay forever, others are lost in only a day. But it's still there, underneath all the hurt and pride and years. If it's true love, it's never forgotten. So when someone says they're in love, don't tell them they can't be. Don't say they're too young, or it's too soon. Love knows no age or length of time. Love is a feeling, deep in your heart, that squeezes you tight and you never want to let it go. "

I'm probably used to be the one leaving people...not otherwise. It's always most painful for the one who's left behind. Maybe that's why we say that suicide is selfish. But when you don't want to go, yet you know you have to, because everyone is telling you that's what best to do, and yourself know that it is what has to be done, it hurts just as much. But whenever we have to do something unwillingly, it hurts. It's a fact, isn't it?

Although the truth hurts, but sometimes it is needed to bring people back to reality. After hitting the same wall several times, you'd think you'd wake up, but no. You were awake all this time. What's there else to do?

And what can you do when your love and care was put upon someone you shouldn't have to? It isn't like money put into bank, you can't take it back. Gone. Gone with the wind...Is that a reason for someone to feel lifeless?
If you don't feel attachement to your family anymore...
If you don't want to be attached to your friends anymore...
And if you don't have any love for yourself anymore...
What do you do?
Isn't it like dragging a corpse around day after day, just because you know you're still alive?

Or maybe, is it time for me to learn that being alive is already a gift...and that I should cherish life and not ask for more? But I'm already taking care of ill people. Don't I already know that? Do I need a concret situation to understand it? As in...being on the edge of losing that gift? Common people don't need that to understand that life is precious. Maybe they think they do, but just like me, in reality, they don't know its price. And I can tell that we actually don't know its value simply by the fact that we don't know how to cherish what we have at the moment. I think, it's something we'll never ever learn correctly. Because the art of taking for granted is too easy.

You keep hurting them because you know they're still around. In the end, it's okay to lie, it's okay to be mean, everything is okay...because you know they'd forgive you. Family does this. That's why we take family members for granted. But hey, it is not okay. I know I'm easy. I know I seem to be able to take a lot. I know I can do as if nothing happened time after time. But because of this, I can break without notice...and once I do, it'd be too late, I'd just go. This goes for anything...ironic is, it works the best with closest ones. Why? Because they think they know you so well...they think that they have you in their hands. They think that they can control you...so they don't put on any guard. And that's when you'd bite.

"Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget."