Vì em mệt lắm...

"Have you ever smiled because of me?"

Since yesterday, I've at least slept for 14 hours and wept for 2 hours straight. My body is exhausted and so is my mind...Fortunately, it feels somewhat better after. As I watched several parts of different series, I heard sound of my tears on the desk. Did I know that little, just like before, it's once again easy to cry. Because I'm getting back slowly...it has become like before. Series are just excuse...only motives. They are as useful as mirrors.

I've been very irritable since the past two weeks. The bad mood of mine has started to build up since I debuted my training this semester...as it goes higher, my patience would drift way.

I'm actually tired to take care of people. Doesn't matter if it's of people I'm close with or my patients; doesn't matter if it's out of love or out of duty...I'm tired.

My mood has gotten worse this weekend and at the moment, I'm trying to seclude myself from the world as much as possible...so that it won't affect people around me too much. I can't hide from my work and I can't even less not care for people I love.

It has always been something that I've done...to care I mean.

However, a friend is right when she says that there's limit...that's it's way too much to ask when friend's boyfriend come to seek advice or help from me. I was awared that it's too much. Indirectly or not, I've explained the circumstances...but in the end, I still worried and cared. Maybe not how they expected me to, but with my own ways.

I don't have any trouble to cut ties when I'm out of work from my patients' lives. It's harder to do so with friends. Once again, that friend of mine is right, when she says I shouldn't impose myself so much in the world's problems...because it would never end. I...I know my courage can bring me to push far. But indifference can overwhelm me too. I can get enough to push...that when the person who doesn't even bother, then it'd be a too bad instead of...

I'm probably the kind of person who give many opportunities.
But because I'm tired, things have to stop right there. When the train has passed, it won't come back again.

Sometimes it's a problem due to balance. The give and take theory.
I don't want to have to ask to keep things like how it was.
I don't want to ask for someone to take initiative.
My courage'd go to drain if I have to step forwards...too much.

But something won't change though, not yet.
And that's what nobody can see but feel.

Often, I wish time'd go faster.
Just so that I can grow older.
Be wise enough to live independantly from parents
Just so that I won't have to:
- Answer questions like when where what who every time I'm out of house.
- Do what I actually don't have the right to do legally. (see the irony?)
- Do what I want to when I'd want to.
- Fall without having parents thinking they'd catch me underneath.
- Hear advices that I don't listen to.
- Get a little friend (bigger and friendlier than my fishy--> it's still lovely)
- Do a bit of socializing with them.
- Put on a scary/mad face when I see them.

Aren't birds very free?
Isn't being carefree a great feeling?

Isn't it funny how we always feel that life's unfair to us..but seems to be only us?
Like...why is it okay for others to say no, but when I do so...I'd get blasted at?
why is it okay for others to ask for a service, but when I do so...I'd get a 'I-don't-feel-like-doing-it'?

But then, it's completely useless to complain...because some people'd say, it was your choice to do it even though you wasn't very willing to.

Right, I did it out of choice...out of care...out of love.

It isn't altruism...because I'm actually expecting something in return.
It doesn't have to be completely equal...but some basics manners sometimes can be enough...just a 'please and thank you', which is respect. People know what it is, since they made use of it before. What's hard is to keep the manner right? But if I can...you can to.

I do see that people are pissed of and exhausted to. That can lead to having less patience and bad mood...but it doesn't excuse them from being irrespectful and uncaring.

Sometimes, I won't say anything...and just keep it down. Not because It's not worth it...but because I feel, I actually don't have any right...when I wished I had though. But, it's not up to me to give it to myself. So...I've to refrain myself from doing or saying some things. (it's soon 1am...so bed time)